Bingo

22

 

A pair

of adult swans

lurking to break my arms

and peck me to death,

tearing off flesh

like strips of crispy duck;

take-away revenge

for the entire pond.

Wings flapping wind

awash with failure,

blowing me apart,

squawking

career career career -

a concept that appears

more senseless each repetition

- while my head hangs

over the bank,

forcing me to face my own reflection,

which mouths things like

responsibility -

and I try to pull the plug

so I can watch mortality

whirl away down the drain

but my limbs dangle uselessly,

mangled by two swans hungry

for high-speed destruction.

They take satisfaction

in throwing me closer to the days

of painful deterioration.

Passers-by shake their heads

at this premature dread,

saying wait until you meet

the two dinosaurs who greet you

towards the end

of the conveyor-belt queue

to a derelict heaven,

grinding life into the ground with feet

oblivious to futile screams

and dreams not yet seized;

 

77.

 

Author's Note

Let me know what you think. Cheers.
Also:
1) did it get too rhymey?
2) did I stretch the animal analogies too far?

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

not too rhymey, i like rhyme, plus you do it smooth dude

a bit but who am i to say, i am inlove with elasticity but the dino caught me off guard, i was still trying to figure out the swans but it was cool at the same time cos then I just let go and went with.

the image of mortality swirling down the drain was particularly vivid

overall my feel on this is "nice, it feels fresh!"

it feels experimental and charged. must be the hydration;)

[PianoandPage]

rhymey? i actually had not noticed so... no.

stretch?! absolutely. first reading i had absolutely no idea what you were talking about. 2nd read i came away with.... how people tear each other apart in the workplace? is that it or am i missing it completely?

[Treasaigh (The Solitar..]

Wow! Boy I've never known swans to do that, lol. Ouch;) Very creative concept. Lovely flow and rhyme. Great imagery!

[mick weller]

`take-away revenge

for the entire pond.` - maybe the humour of this is out of sync with the seriousness of the piece?

`squawking

career career career `- this worked 1st time - but then I thought, sounds more like a parrot!
maybe adding: `in my head and beyond` would bridge a gap...

you're having a larff with the title and trying to make light of a sombre mood
and any rhyme is incidental to me - def. not too much so...
I think the way you bounce the seriousness of your thoughts off your surroundings works well overall...
quite a sad `weighty` write... the `lotto` of life...
this comes over like a shrug... in that `what's next`... though the piece, for me ends on a bright note... and you have the last laugh, yeah?
cheers,
thanks for sharing this!
I'm sure that capital `H` means something here...