Chapter 16

     Expectations

      

       I woke up screaming, much like I did most nights, but this time I had a feeling more was going on.  Remy had felt too real, the events in the nightmare touched me in a realistic way that I couldn't shake off.   It didn't take me long to realize I was going to throw up, and I crossed my fingers the whole slow walk to the bathroom that I would make it.  I retched up most of what I had tentatively put in my stomach the night before.  Madlen had insisted on giving me some soup and crackers before I went to bed, and I was far too thankful for her welcoming me in to protest.  Now it was coming back up in much the same condition it went in.

       I heard the door tear open, West stalking through to where I was sitting, slouched against side of the wall near the toilet.  I wiped the back of my mouth on the end of the long nightgown his mother had provided for me, and I cringed when I realized what I had done.  It was the nicest piece of clothing I had ever put on, the soft fabric clung to me like a second skin, it was a deep emerald green color that set off my pale skin and light blonde hair to a dramatic effect.  I knew I probably looked even paler now, I could still feel my hands shaking as the flashback of the dream hit me again.

       "I'm fine, just a nightmare," I explained, closing my eyes and resting my head against the tile wall behind me.  I heard Dante rumbled sleepily through the door next, opening my eyes to find wild yet unfocused eyes scanning the room for danger.

       "You scared the s**t out of me," Dante said as he rubbed his head, ruffling his longer hair.

       "Me too," West said.  I noticed he looked much more awake than his brother, either he never went to bed or he woke up in a more efficient manner than Dante.

       "Go back to bed, I've put you through enough tonight.  Get some rest," I said, feeling both jazzed and exhausted all at the same time.  "Please, I just need some time to get myself together," I said when West looked like he wasn't going anywhere.  I was so confused with him here, the back and forth nature of our fragile relationship was setting me more on edge than it was comforting me.  There was a closeness I could feel we both yearned for, while at the same time we did our best to keep one another at a distance. 

       "Come on West," Dante said, pulling him forcibly towards the door.  West gave me one last look, a desperate sort of expression on his face as he rounded the corner and left the bathroom.  I promptly laid down, resting my cheek against the cool floor and spreading out on my stomach to get as much of the tile to make contact with my bare arms.  My skin was hot, and the floor was such a wonderful contrast that it made me sigh with pleasure. 

       "What are you doing?" I heard Dante ask, startling me as I lifted my head to look at him.

       "I used to do this at the group home.  They didn't have air conditioning, but at night the cool air would bring down the temperature of the tile in the bathroom.  I had...issues sometimes with the other kids and I usually slept in the bathroom when things got bad.  It clears my head," I explained, laying my head back down.  I felt movement to my side and saw Dante lean back against the tub, knees tucked high to avoid my frame splayed on the ground.  I turned to look in the doorway, expecting to see West again.

       "I just came to check on you.  I put West to bed, he's been up drinking downstairs all night," Dante informed me, a dark expression covering his face.

       "I'm sorry I put him in the middle of all this, I didn't mean for it to happen," I said, another inadequate apology crossing my lips.

       "I doubt you could have stopped it, besides, what your father did to you tonight was far from your fault."

       "I should have sent them away when they came to the airport, I knew it was a risk leaving the country," I admitted, knowing it was my own selfishness that got them into this whole mess.

       "Those three would have found you either way, when I suggested they should visit you out there they moved too quickly for it not to have been planned all along," he said affectionately.  I turned my head so I could face him, his bare feel a mere few inches from my shoulder.  I should have moved, but it felt too good to sit here like this.

       "I can't shield them from this anymore Dante, I can't shield everyone," I said, feeling the tiredness seep into my voice.  He kept looking down on me, not giving me some two bit speech that I was dreading he was going to do.  He just let me have the moment, and I couldn't have been more grateful.

       "Why was he at Raquel's tonight?" I asked, breaking the silence after some time.  I hadn't intended on actually asking him the question, it just kind of came out after bouncing around so long inside my head.  I heard Dante sigh, a long moment suspended before he answered.

       "She had a party, I think, I don't think it was big.  As to why he went, I have no idea," he told me.  He opened his mouth, closed it once more, and then turned his eyes from mine.  I knew that look, it was one of someone who was holding something back.

       "I can handle it," I told him as I saw another heavy sigh escape him. 

       "They are engaged, when I told you they were promised I left that part out.  I'm not sure why, but I never told you.  And by the look on your face now I can tell West didn't either," Dante said, noticing the look of horror on my face.  My life just got better and better sometimes.

       "There is a story there, so go on with it," I said when he looked hesitant to talk again.

       "He got Raquel pregnant over the summer," Dante said, shaking his head.  "She lost the baby, miscarriage, but before that West proposed to her.  He wanted to do the right thing, he's good guy Brienne, that's why he did it.  Afterwards it was tough for everyone, our whole family was torn up about it all.  We all felt relief, and then guilt that we felt relief, and then the guilt led way to a whole host of other emotions that were hard to deal with.  West went through a depression, which part was harder for him to cope with I can only imagine.  Especially with Raquel's behavior lately, my best guess is he feels trapped and torn about what he feels for her now."  He dropped his own head back, letting it rest on the tub edge.  I wanted to say something to ease his pain, but the only thing I could say brought with it more trouble than comfort.

       "Do you want to hear something soothing and conciliatory, or do you want to hear something truly awful?" I asked him.  He snapped his head up, a puzzled expression in his eyes. 

       "Can I have both?" he asked, smiling a tiny fraction.  I breathed in, trying to gather myself to tell him everything.

       "Time heals everything, sometimes it takes too long but it never fails to work eventually.  Combine that with the wisdom that comes from that kind of pain, and everything will work out.  West is too strong to do something rash, and he is too honorable not to do the right thing," I said, feeling sure about everything I said.  He smiled a bit bigger, but a hesitant gleam in his eye said he was bracing for the rest.

       "The bad news is, I think West might be my mate," I said, letting the tears well up a little as I said it.  I realized in that moment I really did think it was possible, if not probable that he was.  And he was going to be married to someone else.

       "That is bad for you, if you are correct," he said, mirroring my own sadness. 

       "No it's bad for West," I said plainly, knowing I could handle the pain and misery if he chose someone else.  They were my constant company.  "No it's tragic for West, because if he's mine, then he never could have gotten Raquel pregnant.  His magic would not have recognized her, and he would be unable to have a child with anyone but his mate."  Dante shot to his feet, all the blood draining from his face.  He staggered back, a testament to just how rattled the last summer had made him.

       I jumped to my own, and I pushed him to sit on the edge of the tub, gently pressing his head down.  "You are going to hit the deck if you aren't careful," I explained as he fought my grip, shrugging off so hard I stumbled back a little.

       "You can't just say stuff like that to people Brienne, its one thing to go along with your fantastical stories of legends that shouldn't exist.  It's another thing all together for you to go around accusing people of very serious things Brienne, you don't know what we went through this summer, what West went through.  You come into our lives like some damn tornado, ripping things up and throwing things around so nothing looks the same.  What am I supposed to do now?  Damn," he said, sitting back down and putting his head in his hands.  I nodded my head, trying not to be hurt by what he was saying, the shock of what I had insinuated was anger displaced at me.  I found it still hurt, and had an irrational thought that my father was right.  Love was the most dangerous emotion of all.

       ***

    

       I woke up again, just before first light.  The clock was reading a time that was ungodly and I peeled my face off the kitchen table as I stood up to stretch a bit.  While my bones ached, my leg felt significantly better, but it was my head that had suffered the most after last night.

         After talking with Dante, he stalked out of the bathroom and left me alone to think about what I had done.  I shouldn't have mentioned it to him, it wasn't really helpful to the situation on top of everything else.  I always wanted to know the whole truth about things, but I was beginning to understand that it wasn't the same case for everyone.  Obviously West didn't feel the same way, knowing about his engagement would have been something important to mention to someone.  I went downstairs after pacing the bathroom some more, finding the half empty bottle of Jack on the table from West.  It called to me, the brief respite from my reality was a welcome friend at the moment.  I drank it down with the fervor of a starving man, waiting as the warmth lit me up and left me cold at the same time.  It was nothing compared to the feelings of West's magic in my body, there would never be a compare to that.  I searched and found a few beers in the fridge, needing to bury myself deeper in something else, when I thought about the fact that I wouldn't feel it again.  It would never be like that for me again, I was destined to be in this alone, fighting through what I could with only myself to rely on.  At some point, when the room was blissfully spinning instead of my head, I succumbed to the blackness and joined nightmares to which I wouldn't remember come morning.

       "Brienne?" I heard Seth say as he stumbled into the kitchen, making his way dazedly to the coffeemaker.

       "I'll take a cup," I said with my mouth watering.  Coffee was just what I needed in the moment, then I could move on to do what I needed to.

       "You finish up after West?" he asked, gesturing to the graveyard of bottles that lined the table.  I shrugged, not sure if it was considered acceptable here to drink.  I figured I earned it, and since Seth ignored it also, I figured he thought so too.  I sat back down, resting my hands in my hair trying to figure out how best to fix it.  I settled for another erratic bun, I didn't have time for another shower just yet.

       "Cream?" he asked me, as he got some pastries out of the fridge.  They were joined by a huge fruit bowl which he offered to me, and I took a banana from the pile to settle back into my chair. 

       "Black," I said and getting impatient for it to come.  I needed something to replace all the warmth I lost last night.  Coffee reminded me of the mornings I got to myself at home.  Remy always slept in later than I did, and I make a cup for myself as I sat on the tiny porch of the trailer to greet the dawn.  No matter what the season, I did it, and a sudden homesickness that was both unexpected and wrong shot through me.  At least there people seemed to understand me, here I felt like a foreigner.

       Seth sat next to me, handing me my own cup of coffee and settling in with a plate full of chocolate croissants.  We ate and sipped in companionable silence until he decided to break into my thoughts.

       "I want to get your advice before approaching the governance with what you told me last night.  Is there anything else you wanted to add, or anything you want me to keep private?" he asked, reaching for some grapes as he spoke.  I shook my head, feeling grateful he would check with me first.  I wasn't in much of state last night to censor myself.

       "I have nothing to hide, and nothing to add," I said a bit defensively, feeling like I was done sharing with people for a while.  I was always the one punished for it.  Seth gave me a parental type look, but didn't push me.  "Thank you for helping me last night, it's not enough to say it but if there is anything I can do for you just let me know."  I dropped my head a little, hoping it came off as sincere.  Last night really broke something in me, I could feel the pieces not quite fitting together inside me.

       "I remember you from your hearing," Seth said softly, and I rose my head to meet his eyes.  "Your eye looks better," he said smiling encouragingly at me.

       "Three grafts," I said absently touching my brow and tracing the wrinkly skin.

       "Well, it's amazing you held him off as long as you did.  You are a very strong young woman," he said, sipping more of his coffee and dancing around the tough topics.  I didn't think I had it in me to go there right now, or for a good long while.  Just as he was about to talk Dante came into the kitchen, looking almost as rough as I did.

       "Good morning Dante, you're up early," Seth said to his son, getting nothing in return other than a terse shake of his head. He avoided looking at me altogether, ignoring me like I wasn't even there, and the tension was about as palpable as the smell of coffee in the room.  Seth looked from him to me, obviously confused at what was going on.

       "What are you going to do this week?" Dante finally asked, honing in on me and pinning me to the chair with his glare.

       "I assume she's going to school," Seth interrupted, trying to pull the responsible voice out.

       "She's suspended through next week," he said pointedly.  Man, what I said to him really set Dante off, he was still stuck there.  I could tell by the look in his eye that my accusations were still haunting him.  Seth was still looking from face to face, like he could figure out what was going on if he stared long enough.

       "I pissed Marion off, I go back next Monday," I said honestly.

       "I have the list for you," Dante said as I finished, slapping down the paper on the table in front of me.  It had a list of five apartment names on it, with address and numbers also listed.  It was what I wanted to find when I came down here last night, but thinking about it further I knew it wasn't a good idea.  If Remy comes for me again, I can't put the whole building in danger like that.  "Dante," Seth said disapprovingly.  He looked very angry at his behavior but I cut in, not wanting to be the cause for another fight.

       "Thanks, if it's okay with you can I have my bike shipped here?  You can tell West when it comes in and he can tell me at school.  It's still at the airport," I said to Seth, trying to ignore Dante completely. 

       "Of course," he said, still looking very confused.  I stood up, dusting myself off and looking around for what to do next.  "Madlen sent some clothes down with me for you.  I put them on the couch in the living room, along with the bag Dante said you left here.  Feel free to use what you want," he added, unease marking his tone when he realized what was on the paper in front of me.

       "Apartments?  For you?" Madlen asked, coming up from behind me to look at the paper.  I turned around, almost startled at the fact that I didn't hear her come up on me.

       "Yeah," I answered, going for the simplest answer in the hopes they wouldn't ask more questions.

       "Where were you staying before?" she asked, a motherly tone and look on her face.  It was almost too much for my system to intake.  All the years I prayed for a mother, and she looked like the epitome of my daydreams.

       "I was crashing at JP's, um Professor White's place," I said quietly.

       "He kicked her out too," Dante said bitterly, but looking remorseful in the next instant.  He would come out of his anger soon, and if he chose to believe me, I hoped Raquel knew what she was in for.

       "Dante!" Seth and Madlen said in tandem.  Dante had the grace to look embarrassed but still refused to meet my eyes.

       "It's okay he's right," I said trying to keep it together.  "I also gamble, I used to hustle money from humans to survive after I got released from the group home.  I got my housemate killed because of it, that's what brought me to JP.  I don't floss, or pay my taxes, mainly because I've never had a job, and I'm honest to the point that people don't like me.  I say the wrong things more than I say what's appropriate, and I've had to kill more people than everyone in this room combined.  I'm a Moreau, but I'm f*****g trying Dante.  So you can drag all my skeletons out, line them up, and get a good look at them for all I care I'm done," I said turning on my heel only to run smack into West.

       "What the hell is going on here?  Why are you talking to her like that" he asked, looking at Dante with a menacing frown.  Mave and Logan exchanged some uneasy glances as they walked past us to sit at the table, chowing down instantly.

       "Nothing's going on West, I'm just going to change and get a move on.  I have things to do," I said quiet and cryptically, trying to side step him.  Our close proximity was making me nervous, the feeling of his magic calling to my own was intense.

       "You have things to do?" West asked like I just told him I was running for president.

       "I have to find an apartment, plus I'm sure you have things to do today as well," I spoke, trying to reason with him as he looked down on me with a jaw as hard a granite.  On cue, the doorbell rang and a few tense seconds later I saw Raquel enter the kitchen.

       "Hey, I was just worried about everyone so I thought I would bring over some breakfast to make sure you ate," she said, pushing past me to give West's parents some hugs.  I stood stock still, the events of the night before playing in my head and refusing to leave.  I could easily pick her mind and find out, but I remembered West accusing me of manipulating people by force.  She fixed the boxes of doughnuts on the table and then walked to where West was standing, wrapping her arms around his middle.

       "You ready babe?" she asked him, and it was then I noticed he was fully dressed.  They must have talked at some point either last night or this morning about plans for today.  "Mom and Daddy are waiting, we don't want to be late for our brunch," she said sweetly turning towards me.  "My parents decided to throw a last second party for us to celebrate the engagement," she informed me like I wanted to know.  I turned my face, unsure I could school my face into an expression that didn't show all the pain I felt at watching them together.  It was like my brain was catching up with my magic, letting me know that my mate was with someone else, choosing someone else.  It was a visceral reaction, every bit as devastating as real hit.

       "I'll see you at school Brienne," Raquel said to me then corrected herself.  "I mean, see you next week at school.  I forgot about your suspension," she finished as she kissed West's cheek and then walked towards the front door, and dragging West behind her.

       I turned to look at everyone else, they were all either avoiding my eyes or looking to me with a pitying expression.  I walked over to where Seth and Madlen were standing, trying to muster all the right manners.  "Thank you so much for your hospitality, I appreciate you keeping me in your home."  I left the room, grabbing the list Dante had left and walking to where the pile of clothes were in the living room.  I grabbed them and made my way towards the bathroom, hardly even taking a second to think about what had happened to me over the last few days.  I folded up the paper and put it into the pocket of my jeans, grabbing the one bag that I had left here with the rest of my money and school stuff in.  I placed the nightgown with the rest of the stuff Madlen had sent down with me and gathered myself for the long walk to the nearest hotel.