Chapter 20

     Lunch

      

       I woke up the next morning, somehow waking without the sense I had a nightmare before.  There was no sweating, no covers wrapped around my legs, and I felt rested.  Maybe parts of me were finally accepting my fate, at least when it came to West.  I wouldn't be putting myself in that position anymore, I had to start moving on.  I rolled over and groaned, it was still unmercifully early, but I knew that West was back and the dread of running into him was warring with my need for coffee.  I heard him and Raquel come in, they were almost screaming at one another, and I had to wrap the pillow around my head so that I wouldn't hear what they were saying.  I couldn't bear any more of them, but I wouldn't be able to bear today with caffeine.

        I got up, sleepily stretching as I made way towards the closet.  I rummaged through my bag on the ground, having packed up all my clothes in a depression fueled haze the night before.  If they were going to kick me out I wanted to get out fast before I did something stupid like cry.  I found an oversize sweatshirt, one of JP's that still smelled like him, and threw on a pair of leggings.  I could go to JP again, I felt like there was something missing without him.  I think it was the old reflex I had, when things got to be too much for me I went to him.  Maybe I still needed, even after all this time.

       Making it nearly to the kitchen, I noticed the house was silent and still, and the muted power I felt let me know everyone was still sleeping.  The clock in the kitchen said it was only 4:45, and I settled into my normal routine of making coffee.  I stood mesmerized as I watched the coffee start to drop into the glass pot, slowly filling the room with a scent that to me was as comforting as any touch.  I heard someone sit down at the table, the legs of the chair scraped nosily on hard wood floor in the kitchen here.  I was met with the face of Dante, looking for all the world like someone who hadn't slept in a long time.  We stared at each other, like we could understand what each other was thinking just by looking.  I heard the beep of the coffee machine, letting me know it was ready.

       I snapped my fingers, placing a cup in front of Dante, and one in the seat across from him.  "Cream or sugar?" I asked, getting out some sugar for my own coffee.  I had felt a distinct chill ever since I left West at the cabin, a lack of something deep in my bones.

       "Black," he managed to say, through gritted teeth.  I placed the sugar on the table, curled up into the chair with my knees near my chest.  I pulled the sweatshirt sleeves up and started working on my coffee.

       "You okay?" I asked him, hoping he would open up if something was bothering him.  He shook his head, not offering me anything more than that.  We drank down the rest of the coffee over the next hour, sitting at the table in silence.  It was what I needed, and I suspected it was also exactly what he needed as well.  I could feel our shared misery floating around, weaving around and settling into the air around us.  With every minute we survived in it, we got stronger, my father used to say to me.  Overcoming negative emotions was an important skill, he told me once, but it was key not to fight them or press them back.  You had to take them in, and impose your will on them to beat it.  It was sound advice, though the process was excruitiating.  I heard someone coming down the hall, and I knew it was Seth.  He was always the first one up after me, and usually the first one to reach me in the kitchen as I made coffee.

       "Morning," he said, bending and placing a kiss to my head as he sat next to his son at the table.  I put a coffee in his hands, and the usual smile decorated his face as he took a long sip. 

       "When did you get in?" he asked Dante, and I started preparing some breakfast while they spoke.  I didn't dare go upstairs, in case West and Raquel were up, so I was forced to stay here.

       "Late last night, about the same time West did," he said, head still hung over his cup.  Seth nodded, putting his arm around the back of Dante's chair.

       "You two want eggs?  I'm making a frittata," I said cracking the first of six eggs into the mixing bowl.  They both nodded, and I noticed the dark look Seth had when he looked on to his son.  Whatever was going on with Dante wasn't going well, he looked like it was taking a toll on him.  I got out the bacon, chives, and started slicing some potatoes.  It was the only recipe that I remembered my father teaching me, mainly because it only required mixing the ingredients.  Madlen came in, and I mentally doubled the recipe, reaching down and getting another skillet out so I could make enough for everyone.  It kept my shaking hands busy, and for a moment I could feel useful, like I was a part of something with this family.  Madlen came over and pulled my hair back from the side of my face, kissing my cheek and sitting next to my spot at the table.  I kept the tears out of my eyes best I could, knowing they were being nice to me because they were about to ask me to leave.  I put a coffee in front of her as well.

       "Thanks doll," she said to me over her shoulder as I continued making breakfast.  The eggs I planned on making quickly turned into two frittatas, a side of French toast, and cut fruit.  The small child in my mind was convinced if I showed them I could cook, if I cooked them something so good, then they couldn't let me leave.  I wouldn't be surprised if they could taste my desperation, of the complete desire to stay here with them.  My hands started really shaking, the crumbling of the facade I had created here was scaring the living hell out of me.  They had the kind of family I always hoped for, dreamed for, and it was all going to be ripped away from me.  I was pulling the skillets out of the oven when I burned my arm on the side of the oven, making it to the table before sprinting over to the sink.  The tears were rolling down my face as those at the table started digging in.

       "It's wonderful Brienne, these frittatas are incredible," Seth said with a full mouth from behind me.  I had my hands on each side of the sink, knuckles white against the dark marble countertops like discarded chicken bones in comparison. 

       "Did you burn yourself badly?" I heard Madlen say, the chair scraping against the floor as she got up.  I ran a hand under my eyes and tried to take a deep breath to steady myself.  "What's wrong?" she asked, holding out my arm and looking at the burn.  It was small, insignificant and I ran my magic down to make it disappear within a few seconds.

       "I'm fine," I said, trying to will the tears into submission.  They were still threatening to spill over, and at the look Madlen gave me I knew they wouldn't stay contained.  Seth came up next, standing next to his wife and leaning down to inspect my arm as well.

       "What's going on Brienne?  Did something happen?" he asked, looking concerned towards where I standing, staring at my feet.

       "Just tell me what I need to do.  I know you’re going to ask me to leave, just tell me when and I'll be gone." I couldn't stand here one more second like I was some bizarre part of the family.  It was the cruelest form of kindness, of being close to something you cannot and will never be a part of.

       "Why would we tell you to leave?" Madlen asked, looking dumbfounded.

       "That's what lunch is for, to tell me to leave."  They kept staring at me like I was crazy.

       "Who told you that, I just asked West to come back for lunch so we could discuss something.  It certainly isn't to ask you to go Brienne.  When we told you we wanted you to stay with us we meant it, not for a week, or a month, but until you are ready to move on."  Madlen said it with equal sadness, but something was rattled in me that was beyond fixing.  I couldn't go down this road again, it left me too shredded, too vulnerable. 

       "Especially after that frittata," Seth said, playfully ruffling my hair and walking back to the table.  Madlen gave my hand a squeeze and then left to go and sit back at the table.  When I collected myself and turned, I noticed Dante was looking at me with an unknown expression.  It almost looked like an apology, for what I didn't know, and after thinking about it I doubted I was right.  It was probably that usual pitying look people gave me.  I sat down tentatively, enjoying a moment of piece as I loaded up my plate.  I skipped dinner last night, choosing to wallow in my room like a love-struck fool, which I vowed this morning never to do again, so I was starved.  I had just cleaned my plate when West and Raquel came in, neither one looking like it was their morning.  West had bags under his eyes, and it looked like Raquel had been crying recently?  They each set out to get plates, and set about eating in silence.  When Raquel complimented Madlen on the food she corrected her with a smile that looked proud.

       "Brienne made breakfast actually, but I agree.  It's delicious," she said, winking at me and getting up to start clearing some plates.  With her presence gone, I could see West clearly, though he wouldn't know since he wasn't looking anywhere but his empty plate.  When I noticed he didn't have coffee I placed on in front of him, smiling when our eyes met.  I could feel Raquel boring daggers at me, but as soon as Madlen came over it was gone, in its place was a pleasant smile.  Though it didn't touch her eyes. 

       "I don't know what you have planned for today West, but I want you here for lunch at noon, no later," Madlen said, and I noticed she was gazing on her son and Raquel with a strange expression. 

       "Just get it out now mom, we are all here now," West said.  His voice came out strange, tired and almost desolate sounding.

       "I asked for it to be a family meeting West."  Seth spoke this time, a firm but still gentle voice.  He looked quickly from Raquel to his son, a clear indication of what he was meaning.  I saw her mouth set in a line, a furious look on her face that she quickly hid under a polite smile.

       "Of course, I'll see you later West.  Remember we have that meeting with my father tomorrow evening," she said softly, kissing him briefly before getting up from the table.  I heard her make her way upstairs, and the rest of us sat silent until it was clear she was out of the house.  I didn't know what that meant, but something in the way everyone was carrying themselves had me thinking it was more serious than a normal family meeting.

       "When did you get in?" West asked Dante, leaning back in his chair so it was balanced on the back two legs. 

       "When you and Rocky did, maybe five minutes before," his brother answered in clipped words.  With the full light of the morning streaming into the kitchen I noticed Dante looked far worse for wear than I noticed originally. 

       "You look like you haven't slept in weeks brother, your assignment tough?"  West asked it casually, but the way Dante took it was anything but. 

       "You and Rocky were making too much noise for me to go to bed.  I'm surprised everyone didn't hear her moaning your damn name.  You'd think you would have learned," he said with an obvious attitude.  If I wasn't already sitting, my legs would have given out.  As it was I could feel the blood drain from my face, in battle with my utter embarrassment that wanted me to blush.  It made me lightheaded, and bit nauseous.  Every thought of making progress, of getting somewhere with West vanished in an instant.  West kept his eyes trained on the table in front of him, not denying or accepting what his brother was saying.  In fact, no one was looking at me at all, Madlen and Seth were locked in a stare down with West's downcast head.  Dante looked about as sick as I felt, but he was busy knotting his fists on the table.

       "West, after everything?" Madlen asked with a tortured voice.  He finally looked up, glancing at me with wild looking eyes.  He shoved his brother in his chair, holding the neck of his shirt in his hands and looking like he was going to murder him on the spot.

       "I told her," Dante admitted, panting with anger himself.  "Someone had to," he explained when West jumped up looking horrified.  I wanted to sink into the ground, be swallowed up before I had to sit here and discuss this with them.

       "You sure as hell didn't have to Dante." 

       "I couldn't let her look at you, like she does, and not say anything.  I can’t believe you care so little about her not to fill her in.  She took it fine, and I bet she didn't even treat you any different, did she?" he asked, standing before Seth pulled him forcefully back down.  West looked at me now, suddenly remembering to be angry with me as well.

       "You never thought to share this with me?"  West was yelling, and I rose to meet him. 

       "Oh you're going to get angry now?  It was your decision not to share, but since you have nowhere else to direct it, go on  I can take it West.  Go ahead, let it out.  You want to tell me your angry, mad as hell at me right?  Go ahead!" I said, giving it right back to him.  He was so contained, so controlled, and so very tired of keeping it in.  I felt for him, and I knew I was the one person that could give him what he needed.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Seth stand, but Madlen held her hand out and he sat down again. 

       West still looked unsure, but on the edge of snapping.  "You want to tell me I've come in and messed everything up.  Just say it West!"  It was a harsh sounding yell, and I could feel my eyes welling with tears, more for what he was going through than what I was about to lose.  "Why are you so scared to go there?"

       "I can't go there!  I can't look at you and go back there," he said, rushed words that made him look surprised that they surfaced.

       "Of course you can, because it's okay to be angry West.  What you went through was hard, impossible, and it gives you the right to feel what you want.  No one can take that from you West."  If I had to drag it out of him I would.

       "You do," he whispered, hissing the words out between clenched teeth.  "You make it so damn hard to remember what the right thing is anymore, everything I was supposed to do, supposed to feel just vanishes when I am around you.  Then you come tearing in and wreck it all, challenging me at every turn, you have ruined me."  I could almost feel the anger rolling off him, palpable waves of darkness that snaked around the table.

       "I wrecked something that was half way tumbling down West, what else do you want to blame on me?  Keep shoveling it my way West, I can shoulder it with you."  His fists were balled up, a strange crackling noise was coming from his hands.  I had to control the urge to attack, I knew his magic wouldn't let him hurt me, or at least I was hoping.

       "There are times I wish I never laid eyes on you," he said, none of the fight left his eyes but his hands unclenched.  "There are times when all I want to do is block everything you ever said out of my head for good.  I want to erase every horrible memory, vanquish every lesson you tried to teach me.  Every time I look into Rocky's eyes, I see yours.  I want to ignore it, forget it, go on with the life I had planned."

       "But you can't, no matter how many times you try to sleep with her."  It was simple, the words I was leading him to, but the term mate dried up in my mouth.  I flashed a look at Dante, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. 

       "I can't," he parroted back, anguish in his eyes.

       "You don't really want to."  He didn't repeat my words, West just shook his head and closed his eyes.

       "You don't want to because..." I trailed off in question, just waiting for it.  "West look at me," I said, pleading with my voice, my eyes, my body to get him to understand our connection.  "West, you want to dish it out to me, you want to call me out like that, you can look at me in the eyes."  When he snapped his eyes up they looked like the coming of a storm, dark and grey and blue in equal measure.