Why

It's about everything that a mother has put her child through

 

Why do I bother?

Why do I even care?

Everyone says I should stop

That I should just move on

But I just can not seem to say no to you

They say I should hate you

But I can not

Although I am starting too

 

You treat me like s**t

You use me, abuse me, exploit me

Yet I still come back

You blame me for everything

You treat everybody else better than me

You always voice your disappointment in me

Not once have I heard you compliment me

Unless it was because of “good sportsmanship” or good grades

 

But you never try to help

Only leaving me here alone to rot

You wanna know why I am the way I am?

The reason is…………YOU!!!!!!

 

I lost my childhood to you

When I was naught but six

Never had a chance to truly live

Because I spent so much time being forced to take care of you

 

You never truly cared

Never made an effort to visit whenever possible

You never really tried to get to know me

Nor to understand

You were never a comfort

You are always to wrapped up in YOUR needs to even notice mine

 

I would bet more than anything

Including life itself

That if you discovered you were pregnant earlier,

You would have gotten an abortion

After all, you did not want any kids

Neither were you supposed to be able

 

 

 

 

But even after all this

I still come back

Not like I have a choice

Tell me why I should bother

Why I should even come willingly?

‘Cause I sure the hell do not see a reason

 

You manipulated me

You were never there, not once

Yet I still came around

Why should I?

When it is oh so obvious that you do not care

You hurt me time & time again

& there is no sign of change

Only getting worse

I know you are ill & I understand

But that is not a reason to exploit others to do your will

By using that fact

 

You always try to get me to hate

You tell me all these stupid lies

& stuff that I should not know about

 

You call me selfish,

You call me cold,

You call me cruel,

& you call me ruthless.

Among other things,

I know it is true,

But you do not have to rub it in.

 

Yet I am still standing there beside you

Helping you & being your guide

But why should I continue to do so?

After everything you do & say.

 

You always pull me into the middle,

To get me to choose sides.

When will you learn how much it pains me?

 

Just before you broke it off with Doug,

You had been cheating

After you broke it off you got the reputation as the local drunk,

the local w***e,

The local s**t,

For being oh so “easy”.

Did we really mean so little to you?

Did you ever think of the consequences?

Now you move from boyfriend to boyfriend

Then miraculously you are better

Is that really fair?

They do not know you are sick

You go to great lengths to hide it

& you are so good at it too.

 

You introduce me to their kids

Or their friends kids

In time I befriend them

Then you break up with him without my knowing

& I never get a chance to say my final farewells

 

And then you’re back to being sick,

And back to ordering me around using that excuse

Which is most of the time

Why do you exploit me & not others?

Why do you always blame me?

Then turn around & get mad at me

‘Cause it is always my fault

 

You have never listened to me

Not once

Only pushed me away

How can you be so cruel to your own child?

There is so much I wanna say

But there is never enough time

It is slowly tearing me a part

Eating away slowly at my already broken heart

How could you do this to me?

 

Stop pulling me along

You have never looked after me

It was always the other way around

You may or may not realize the hell you put me through

That comment gave you away

I know you realize how you treat me

But then you turn around & it is like you are oblivious to how you treat me

You always try to rid yourself of me

Always trying to guilt trip me

I think you have finally realized the hold you had on me

Is finally slipping away

 

Well y’know what?

I think it is time I pull away & cut these ties

This was over before it truly began

You are no mother of mine

Every bad verbal exchange

Every word screamed

Nothing said will erase the trauma caused

Or the childhood lost

I was forced to grow up way too fast

Apologies can not turn back the clock

There is not much left to say

But I can not ever call you mother

‘Cause you never were one or at least not to me

I think it is time I stop coming back to you

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

Since I am nothing but a tool to you,

Meant to be used, abused, & discarded when my uses run out

I am sick of it

It is about time that I should cut all these ties with you

 

Time to say my final good-byes

So long moth---er Ang

To the mother I could never have

The relationship we never got to experience

One of the only wishes I do have

Is that I could have been lucky enough to meet the woman my dad fell in love with

But I had no such luck

 

I finally realized

That no matter what I do or how hard I try

It will never be good enough for you

I know now that I will never

Receive the love I want from you

 

I am sorry for everything

That I could not be who you wanted

Not the perfect child who you wished so desperately for me to be

I know it is my fault

& I deserve what I got

 

I just can not seem to understand you

Your words over the phone

Scream how much you miss me

But when I am around you

Your actions scream how much you do not want me there

 

I realize now

That you do not care or love me

& I know you never will

I am trying so hard to let go

That is why I am walking away from you now

Because I am only human

& I can not take all this s**t any more

I am done with your mind games

I know I am not as strong as people make me out to be

I have had enough

I am so tired of the tears

Sick of the pressure

Sick of the abuse

SO SICK OF IT ALL!!!!

I need closure

 

 

It has to end NOW!!!!!

This is the only way I know how

So I guess this is it

Good-bye,

So long, & farewell

& now I am finally free of you.

Author's Note

It's more of a rant than a poem. I wrote it after a meeting with my psychologist when she looked at me and said "_________, your mother doesn't love you." Which I already knew, but it till hurt.

Reviews

[StunnedByGrace]

This is a powerful poem of you heart; so real are your heart cries. It touches my heart - your honesty, your brokenness, your humility and yet your strength to go on and your vulnerability to share your pain, sensitivity and passion with others.
You might like my recent post of "The Refugee." May the Love of Jesus heal your wounds - He understands pain and rejection. My prayer goes out to you.

[Wonderful Letdown]

Thank-you, Jesus has healed so much of the wounds that I carry. Much of my writing that you come across on my profile right now is from before I knew of Him and His love. Most of my writing today is about Him or is filled with hope. I decided when I first joined this website to put all my writing up, starting with the darkest chapters of my life before progressing to how I am today. The worst parts of my life, I have been called to share with others. To show that "No, you aren't alone in this. That there IS hope and things WILL get better."

It makes me happy to know that my writing does have such a strong impact, personally, I'm always insecure about that. Whether my writing has the emotional impact that I want my reader to pick up on. Thank-you for letting me know that this DOES hold the impact I was trying to go for.

[StunnedByGrace]

Bless you. Keep writing.