The Seventh Note

The Seventh Note

A Poem by GunMetal
"

Just a story.

"
She can hear the dischord in the rainfall,
I can see it on her skin,
as she sings to the ever changing time signature of the storm.

She rests on the seventh note
breathes the lightning in the air
and smiles like an electric legato
before continuing the song.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind
her muse is playing the piano.

She stops and looks at me.
She asks, “Why the sad face?”
I smile at this:
The look of love must look sad on me.

The thought passes but I keep smiling,
mezzo-piano,
for her sake
so that she’ll keep singing.
I cherish these serene moments.
How rare they are.

But when her father comes home
the cadence breaks and she stops.
He’s the kind of person whose whole body seems to scowl.
My fingers trill clumsily.
The dead notes under my breath…
The look of hate must look like embarrassment on me.

She smiles again.
I don’t want to leave her alone
but I know it’s best if I do.
For my sake.

I’d rather not go home yet
so I just walk.
Anywhere.
Following the telephone wires
like staff lines,
I let the rain drop rhythm on my shoulders,
but I’m not trying to keep time.
I’m not trying to do anything.
I just walk.

I make it to the lake
and decide that it’s a good place to rest a while.
I can’t help but think,
I must look sad out here,
and smile at this.
Somewhere in the back of my head
all that my muse wants to do
is talk about her.

I sat there
on the edge of the lake
for hours
and tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall,

but it just sounded like rainfall to me.

© 2012 GunMetal


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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

beautiful.

Posted 9 Years Ago


this is beautiful i love it. its different than anything ive read great job! i loved it a 100/100!!!!

Posted 9 Years Ago


classy, i have a white trash version of this story that i had published...i love the mix of musical language and literary structure

Posted 10 Years Ago


great flow and rhyme, also I enjoyed the imagery. Cherrie

Posted 10 Years Ago


I wonder how it must sound out loud in your voice. It's more wonderful work.

Posted 10 Years Ago


impressive poem.. :)
but somehow the 3 scenes doesn't gather together for me..could have shortened the lines towards the 3rd scene.. there it felt like dragging the poem

Posted 10 Years Ago


I was very impressed with this piece. I have a thunderstorm brewing outside and a passion for the sound of piano, so, it became immaculate. My favorite line "the look of love must look sad on me". Very profound indeed. I became increasingly aware of the battle between the sympathetic and the apathetic.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I thought this was very beautiful! great poem and i really liked it because it had some musical terms! :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Excellent!
What the muse hears, the person does not lol Thats why people say, art is something given to us, we are just the medium lol
Beautifully expressed!
xx

Posted 10 Years Ago


I really like this poem. The images you have created are amazing - such a beautiful narrative poem.

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on April 2, 2010
Last Updated on August 27, 2012

Author

GunMetal
GunMetal

Wish You Were Here, Alta Loma, CA



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