Why clyde?why?

I had tears running down my eyes after i heard the short quick muffled gunshot that had come from Clydes tent,i tried to pull myself to my feet but realized what i planned to do and i flopped back down not wanting to even get up,face tomorrow,just put a bullet in my head and lay here peacefully till my body started to rot.I did not want to get up and have to face Clyde's dead but somehow peaceful face like a fallin soldier finally layed to rest but the again Clyde did not see all the s**t that i had seen yea he saw my little brother kill himself and he most likely heard when my mom was killed because he came in the house almost immedailty after her death and he had to shoot her from kiling me because i damn sure coulden't do it,but had he faced the emtional pain that i had suffered from?Did he know how it felt to find your own mother trying to kill you,the woman that brought you in this world and right near her end to take me back into the dark?No he did not know it felt to have your lil brother come up and ask you if he could hold your strap but put the m**********r in his mouth and put a slug in his dome?I had lost so much that day and i was bound to lose alot more in the near future if i would let myself get that far but i knew that soon enough i would put a slug in my brain and have eternity to think about all the times i fucked up and sit back with my cuz and we would sit back and smoke and chill with the rest of fallin soldiers that was my future i know that now,I had no idea what had happened to the rest of my family if they got away but i knew that if i did not kill myself i still would not find any of them i was the only one left and had no one to turn to and if i did they must think that i was already dead and they would have giving up on hope and eventually would commit suicide because they had no one left either so i knew what my destiny was,i slowly emptied the rest of the rounds in my hand and put one last bullet in i loaded the gun but before i could do that i went to Clydes tent and dragged him to the closest tree and sat next to him,i grabbed my notebook and my last ciggerate i wrote down my life story starting with as far as i could remember to the present day i closed my notebook and wrote on the cover MEMORIES,put the book on my lap lit my ciggerate,smoked half of it put the pistol to my dome and said a quick prayer, and pulled the trigger ending my life as quick as it had been made.