Velvet Sky

Around midnight he finally showed yet I wasn't surprised.

What punched me hard in the gut though was that he look'd worse. I didn't think that was possible.

Erik appeared out of the fog,almost scaring the bejeezus out of me. His hood was up and his hands were buried in his jean pockets but he held his head high,a sign hes stronger than he looks.

Alot stronger.

I smiled up at him,my heart smeared on my lips.

He paused midstep,stuck with hesitation,giving me a sad look. I knew what he was hiding,himself.

"Erik,I already know. Your hoodie is barely holding onto your shoulders." I say,giving him a cant-fool-me look.

Breathing out a heavy sigh thats instantly clouded,Erik quietly sat beside me in the mud."Im sorry im late."

Shaking my head,I say."Being late all the time just makes you not late now."

Crickets chirped for a little bit after that and I took the time to get a good look at him.

Erik was pale,like ew pale that makes you want to puke,and everything about him was thinner,even his hair that sweeps just above his waist.

Tears pricked my eyes.

For the past week,hes been saying. "Don't worry about me Sky." and those thin mulberry lips would curve upwards. It was so fake he looked like a puppet. A scrawny puppet.

Car headlights strobed above.

I looked up at the bottom of the bridge. I remember when I was ten,afraid that the bridge would break any second.Erik,being my knight,held my hand and forced me onto it. I cryed and cryed and all he did was yell."Trust me Sky!!"

Instantly,I stopped the waterworks and nodded.That was the day my mom told me "You can't be friends with him. He tried to kill you.". I explained that he held my hand and all but sinse the bridge had to be 50 feet from the ground,she thought he was trying to kill me.

"You okay Sky?"
I dove into his dull silver eyes,usaully sea green.

Reviews

"you can't fool a girl who loves you look" Re word that. It's pretty long, just say maybe a saddening look or something dealing with love? Also, when you start a new paragraph indent and space it. ''Thin mulberry lips" I loved that line :) "Hlaf in fog, half in not" That confused me..?

[Weaver]

comma after "finally showed up"
"punched me hard in the gut though was" - commas before and after "though"
"he look'd" - "looked"
You need a space after the comma at "out of the fog" - always leave a space after a comma.
comma after "hood was up"
comma after "jeans pockets"
"a sign hes stronger than he looks" - "a sign he was stronger than he looked"
"Alot stronger" - "A lot" ("alot" is not a word)
comma, not period, after "onto your shoulders"
"I say"- "I said" - Do not change verb tenses; whether you use past or present tense, stick with it. I'm making corrections for past tense, since that is what you started the story with.
"a cant-fool-me look" - "a can't-fool-me look"
"sigh thats instantly" - "that's" - actually, this should be "that was"
"Im sorry" - "I'm" (apostrophes matter)
"im late" - "I'm" (so does capitalization)
comma, not period, after "Shaking my head, I say" - should be "I said"
comma after "a little bit after that"
"like ew pale" - "like ewww pale"
"that sweeps" - "that swept"
"hes been saying" - "he had been saying"
comma, not period, after "saying"
comma after "worry about me"
comma after "Sky"
comma after "so fake"
"I cryed and cryed" - "cried and cried" - comma after
comma after "yell"
comma after "my mom told me"
There's an extra period after "tried to kill you"
comma after "and all"
"but sinse" - "since"
"50 feet" - fifty feet"
comma after "You okay"
"usaully" - "usually"

The scene works as the beginning of a longer story - you have enough detail to introduce us to the characters and the general situation - but the "technical" aspects of the writing (grammar and punctuation, especially) need to be fixed up quite a bit.
Sometimes formatting posts on this site is hard; until you can get your paragraph indents to work right, skipping a line between paragraphs like you're doing is fine. Lots of people do it, and it is better than running everything together.

[Danny K]

This is positive, constructive criticism. Pay close attention when reading this.

#1. 2nd sentence. It's looked, not look'd.

#2. 3rd paragraph. It's he's, not hes. No matter what the situation, it will always be HE'S.

#3. Sentence 7. "Erik, I already know," I said, giving him the cant-fool-me look. "You're hoodie is barely on your shoulders."

Whenever you make your character talk, and then you want to stop and give the reader a little detail, you ALWAYS put a comma instead of a period. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look at how I worded the sentence. Notice the comma. Your actually continuing the sentence.

I definitely see a ton of potential in you. You just need to get the basics down and you'll be A.O.K #1

[brenda]

erick seems nice and sky is really nice and loves him just the same this is great !:)

[Starrbitt]

thanks for the feedback,i'll surely change some things and,yes,i know about indenting. Cant seem to get the indents to show as i want

Thanks everyone for telling me what I need to work on. This will surely help me out now and in the future.You guys said what needed to be done and thats why I'm here.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.

p.s. ever sinse ya'll gave me these tips , spaces have become a habit. :]