Goodbye... : pg 2

       Closing her eyes, she held him tight and breathe in the sweet fragrance of the autumn air . His lamentation became distant as the aroma engulfed her. Azalea's life flashed before her eyes - not of the past, but the future.
      
        She saw herself walking with her son near the ocean side. The rays of sun reflected on to water, making it look like sparkling diamonds were floating on the vast blue sea. They were dipping their feet into the glittery water and then suddenly he ran off into the beach. Chasing after him, she felt the warm breeze brush against her face and the gritty sand beneath her feet. She grabbed  him and they laughed with glee as they rolled on to their backs and stared at the sun. He then let go of her hand and started running off again, and yelled back at her  "Catch me if you can!". She got up to run again, but could not move. She looked down and saw that her legs were sinking into quicksand. She yelled " Wait!! "as she watched him run farther and farther away from her, into the enshrouding darkness. She yelled louder " Wait!!! No, stop!!! DON'T GO!!!"

         Azalea gasped for air and opened her eyes. Her forehead was drenched with beads of sweat and she was trembling. " Was that a premonition?Who is behind the shadows? Who is after my son?" She then remembered the pearls and looked down at the heavy pile that accumulated on her lap. Her eyes flashed from the round orbs then back onto the child. As the baby’s tears fell they slowly transformed into pearls. She wiped her wet eyes again, hoping that what she was seeing was some kind of mirage. But there they were, the pearls amassing into a miniature mountain on her lap as the baby cried relentlessly. Horrified, her mind raced through images of all things terrible, imaginable only by a mother alike. The torture they would put him through to make him cry! “They would stop at nothing to get those pearls!!!” she thought. “NO!!!” she yelled out loud, “I must do something!” With the last of her strength, she conjured a magical spell and chanted unto his ear:

Boys don’t cry,
I bind thee.
Till time draws nigh,
Shall thou be set free.

              

            Within an instant of uttering those words, he stopped crying. “This is all that I can do for you now, but what of you? What will become of this poor child?” Azalea said as she wept. The door then creaked open and the healer stepped in beside her and patted her on the head.“My dear, be at ease; for I shall raise this child as if he were my very own. All shall be right.” he said. She looked up at him with her dim green eyes; his kindly smile gave her comfort. “My dear friend, I thank you.” she said softly. Azalea kissed her son on the forehead and smiled weakly as she handed the man her son. “Be strong Versai.....” she bade him farewell, and with this she took her last breath.

Reviews

[PaperHearts]

With your suggestion, I got my sister to have a read of your book so far. She's 11, and her reading isn't exceptional, but she did enjoy reading this! Haha
She found a few of the words difficult to read, and in some cases, she didn't know what they meant. I guess after reading simplistic, modern-ish books, your style of writing in this is a lot different to what she's used to reading. However, she did say that she liked the suspense and mystery of your story, as well as the vivid imagery that you created. Being an avid drawer, and more of a visual person, she also liked the pictures that you've added on each page. :) Personally, I really liked this chapter, and thought that your dialogue was so powerful, and in a way, even conceptual. I think that different readers in different age groups will take away different things from reading your book.
~PaperHearts (and my sister Aria. :P)

[DeathbyGarlic]

I found one typo so far: "...mountain on her lab..." Should be "lap".

The picture is a nice touch, if I do say so myself.

The age appropriateness of this still seems a bit mixed, though I'm definitely feeling this is more child-friendly. My suggestion would still be to trim down the adjectives to make it more comprehensible for young children who would probably enjoy the storyline the most.

[The Perfectionist]

This question was raised in the last chapter, and I'll bring it up again. What age group are you targeting? If it's say, I don't know, preschoolers, or maybe early teens, it's not bad, but an adult audience will probably largely be bored by this. It's cliche, and the chapters are so short, nothing ever gets started. Because they are short, I'll read another to see where this goes, but I don't think this is for people my age.

[Theresa]

I really liked the magical spell. I'm wondering what will happen later in regards to the spell. Really enoying this story.