Rated R

 Rated R

     My calling service contacted me one day, and asked if I had a problem, working around, naked, or topless women. “I will not take my clothes off,” I said. I was told I would be wearing a business suit, and only a certain number of people, would be topless, so I took the job. I was sent to the set of, “Showgirls,” starring Elizabeth Berkely, and Gina Gershon. Directed by Paul Verhoeven. The story of a streetwalker, turned stripper, turned Las Vegas showgirl. I worked on it, 3 different times. The first time, was at a Hollywood sound stage. I was a bar patron. There were a few topless women, on set, but  I cannot remember if they were waitresses, or strippers, or both. Probably both. 

     I also worked on “Showgirls,” at a night club, in downtown Los Angeles. I refused to dance, so I did a few crosses, loitered near the dance floor, and sat, on a barstool, at a high table. I do not remember seeing any topless, or naked people, while I was there. It was a long night, and by the time, it was over, I was sick of hearing the same song again, and again. I think I carried a drink, but it was something like club soda, or Coke, because I would not accept near-beer. I told the production guy, “People who drink near-beer, are afraid of commitment. They want to look like a drunk, smell like a drunk, and spend money like a drunk, but they don’t want to BE a drunk.” Maybe he gave me apple cider. It’s all a blur. 

     Next I worked at a strip club, that was actually a sound stage, at one of the studios. This time, there were topless girls, all over the place. Again. I was a patron. Again, I wore my own clothes. I am visible, in this scene, but I have my back, to camera. The only reason, I know it’s me, is because I remember what I was wearing. I have pictures of myself, from other productions, wearing the same clothing.

     While I was there, one of my co-workers said he thought the girls were being exploited. I noticed he did not leave the set. If he truly believed his own BS, why was he staring like a young boy, who had never seen breasts before? I told him, he was panting, like a dog, and he should put his tongue, back in his mouth, before he tripped, over it. He loved looking at the girls, but he was afraid of them. I actually spoke, to them. One girl told me, her base pay, for being topless,  was 300 dollars, for 8 hours. Nice work, if you can get it! I suppose so, but I am not coming out of my clothes, unless I am having sex, a shower, or surgery. Pay is irrelevant. Not gonna happen. 

     I did like it when Paul Verhoeven was around. It was a lot of fun watching, and listening to him work. The film was rated NC-17. It is the “politically correct” designation, for a film, that the ratings people think, should be X-rated. I saw the film, and I don’t get it. If you somehow manage to sit through this entire movie, you may wonder the same thing. Topless women, simulated sex, and bad language, does not make an X-rated film. X-rated films have topless, and bottomless women, and men, as well as foreign objects, close ups of real sex, and nobody cares about the language. I have seen, and worked on “Adults Only” movies. “Showgirls does not qualify. It does have one thing in common, with a porn film. It is totally unbelievable. Just my humble opinion. 

     Another time, my calling service sent me to a “Gentlemen’s Club.” I could not believe I was getting paid, for this. When I arrived, there were about 20 other extras. We all had the same calling service, so we either knew each other, or had worked together before. I cannot remember the name, of the production, but we were filming a bachelor party, for one of the principle actors. Production encouraged us to yell catcalls, at the girls, but they did not want us to be hardcore about it, because they wanted to get an R rating. Some of the guys ignored this direction, and yelled all kinds of really nasty things, at the girls. I could not yell nasty things, at someone, I just met, and did not know. 

     One of the girls, in my opinion, was absolutely beautiful. I thought her face was so pretty, I barely noticed her lack of clothing. The first time she danced up, to me, I said, “What’s a nice girl like you, doing in a place, like this?” Not very original, but still better than what some of the others, were yelling. The second time she danced up to me, I said, “Can I be president, of your fan club?” She just smiled, and went on, about her dance.   

     I guess the third time, really is a charm. She was walking around the club, while another girl was on stage dancing. When she neared my location, I got her attention, and said, “If I buy you a house, can I live with you ?” I was staring directly into her eyes. She took my right hand, and placed it on her left breast. I did not even notice. I could not take my eyes, off her face. She indicated that I should pay attention, to where my hand was. When I finally realized this, I started to pull my hand away. She placed her hand, on top of mine, and pushed it back down, onto her naked breast, and said, “It’s ok.” So I “Copped a feel.” My colleagues were jealous. They should not have been. The girl had implants, so she did not feel natural. She certainly burst my bubble! Still, it was nice of her. She did not have to do anything, for me. We even tipped the girls,  with fake Hollywood money, but I bet production paid them well.

     Every time, one of the girls, danced over to me, she caught me looking her, in the eye. Some were unnerved, by it. I don’t know where I got this ability. Maybe it is because excessively large, or fake breasts, are really not my thing. I like a woman to be proportionate. Not to much of anything. I also believe, a naked woman, leaves nothing to the imagination, and I like a little mystery. I probably worked on a half dozen, or so, productions, that had topless women. I am not counting the times I worked on porn movies, because the title here, is “Rated R.” In my opinion, “Showgirls” should have been rated R, too. For ridiculous. I have not seen, most of these productions. In addition I do not remember the names. Sometimes we were not told there would be topless women, on set, until we got to set. 

     I worked a scene, for the film, “Auto Focus.” I was sitting at a table, in an adults only club. Willem Dafoe was seated against the wall, behind me. There were girls, or a girl, on stage, who dressed sexily, and danced provocatively. It certainly was not X-rated. Calling it R-rated, was a stretch, in my opinion. “Auto Focus,” was supposedly an exploration into the mysterious death of Bob Crane, star of “Hogan’s Heroes.” It, like a lot of movies, for me, was more fun to work on, than watch.

     On another film, who’s title eludes me, a young, pretty, barely dressed girl, decided she liked my hat. She also decided to see if she could sweet talk me out of it. Didn’t happen. Several years, and many films later, I gave the hat, to my friend Mario, and he still has it. As for the girl, I have no idea. I seek not to offend anyone. If you are offended, by anything herein, you should know 3 things. First, this is MY experience. If you were there, and had a different experience, I hope it was as good, or better, than mine. Who knows? Maybe we can reminisce, some day. Second, I could be far more graphic, but I am trying to be nice. Witnesses are still alive. Some are still friends, of mine. Promises were made, gifts exchanged, photos taken, etc. If I might borrow from Mark Twain, “This here is a true story. There are some stretchers here and there, but it’s mostly true.” I curse, more than I should. I’ll give you that. Finally you should know that whatever you hear, or read, about me, is probably true. I stole that line, from Liberace. 

     I once heard a guy, on set, who said, “This is how Hollywood rates movies. G-Nobody gets the girl. PG-The hero gets the girl. R-The villain gets the girl. X-Everybody gets the girl. No mention of PG-13, or NC-17 ratings, so this saying must have been around Hollywood, for a long time. I first heard it, over 10 years ago. I have left many stories, out of this writing, and I will not discuss them, unless I am forced to, so don’t ask. At the end of the day, none of these things really mattered, to me. It was just a job. Nothing more. The most amazing aspect, for me, was, and still is, that I could be paid to sit in a nice air-conditioned strip club, listening to music, and nursing a drink, while surrounded by naked, and near naked girls. I’ll say it again! There is no business, like show business!