Chapter 1. first day.

Chapter 1. first day.

A Chapter by Joshua David Vrana

As Jaso walked to school he thought about his first day on earth, how afraid he was wandering around alone, watching people pass him by without a single look or word to this strangely dressed child, wearing what looked like medieval clothes, a family crest, he was four foot two skinny kid, with black hair and reddish brown eyes, so he looked homeless, how he managed to survive was by begging or doing small jobs like cutting grass or washing cars. School was not one of the places he had wanted to go after a kind woman took him in, but it was her rule that if he didn't go he'd be back on the street. He had always kept to himself while doing anything; school was one of the places that put him in groups of kids that he had a hard time fitting in. Of course school had some good things about it he thought as a couple of girls walked by him, some of the girls were cute, the boys picked on him because they assumed he was weaker, but he had not shown his true power since arriving on earth, he had not felt that it would be wise to show off that he was stronger than all the people of this planet, every once in a while he did things that others could not, lifting more than others could at his age, he talked with animals, or when he got angry at someone he'd forget about his control over lightning and shock somebody, that is why some of the kids called him a freak, others avoided him because they thought he was weird. So he stayed to himself and did his school work quietly, he stopped in front of the high school and watched as the other students walked around him. "hey freak, what are you doing here?" said one boy looking at Jaso, "I go to school here" Jaso replied, "the school for freaks is at the circus" the boy said cruelly Jaso tried to walk away, but one of the younger boys pushed him back into the middle of the boys. "ok boys, leave him alone, he's new to our school" said a girl walking up to them, the boys left Jaso alone and walked off to their classes, "My name's Sara" she said as she held out a hand, Jaso had changed his name while on earth to blend in with the humans, "I'm Josh" Jaso replied as he shook her hand, "well we had better get to our classes as well huh?" she said as she walked away. Jaso thought to himself she's the prettiest girl at this school he hoped He'd get to talk to her again. he walked to the counselors office to get his class schedule, looking over the schedule his first class is algebra, after asking a student where the class was he finally made it just as the bell rang, "hello?" said the teacher, "is this algebra?" Jaso asked, "yes, and you are?" he asked back, "Josh Vrana sir" came Jaso's reply, "well find a seat Mr. Vrana" he said while pointing to the empty seats in the classroom and then continued to teach the class the lesson. Jaso had always been quick to learn new things so this was no problem for him, answering question after question correctly the teacher then asked “Solve for x” and wrote on the chalkboard -[3(2x-1)+x]=2[x-2(5x+4)] “this question is hard for me” said the teacher, Jaso quickly wrote his answer on a piece of paper, handed it to the teacher and walked out of the classroom

© 2012 Joshua David Vrana

Author's Note

Joshua David Vrana
this is sara acher
for those who are wondering the answer to the problem is X = -19/11

My Review

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Alrighty, I want to start off with the fact that this could be good but you need to fix a few things around. One is that you should split this up in paragraphs. It's hard to keep your place if it's just one be run-on-paragraph. Split it up and create a new paragraph new talks. second is that you need to put some descirptions into it. You just blew through all of his first experience on her in just a couple seconds. There has to be more to it then he arrived, he got picked up, he went to school. third is that you talk about him interacting with the students of the school then you say that he is getting his schedule. So he's new to school but he's already got a rep there... that doesn't make sense unless he's either a. not new or b. came from a different school and if so you need to tell us that. lastly you need to put more emotional descriptions. Like not just saying "he felt she was the prettiest girl in school" say that his heart fluttered as he watched her leave and fought off the urge to chase after her. With a sinking feeling he realized he might never talk to her again but he still hoped.

Nowwwww onto the good parts:D I like that you are put some conflicts into it and that you've introduce a girl who may or may not become another side character important to the story. He sounds like he's a pretty smart kid in school and in the street (street smarts are good). You just need to be consistent with this through the story. He hasn't really developed much but you have the whole book to do that so right now he's a perfectly fine character.

Continue the good work!


Posted 11 Years Ago

This is confusing, and has some bland imagery. Why is Jaso also called Josh? Is Jaso the same character from the prologue? Also, the narrator from the prologue has switched to a third person perspective in the first chapter. You should choose one or the other. Additionally, there are an abundance of grammatical/structural errors that need to be fixed. Once again, this is not a book chapter, it's a mottled semi-paragraph of information. Overall, the development of the character is spotty.

Re-work it, write more. Look at this as a concept, then you need a draft, which should be edited. After that you may have something here. Anyway, keep trying.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago

The introduction of the love interest, and of course the ever predictable bully rises up story line, more detail needed.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago

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4 Reviews
Added on March 22, 2012
Last Updated on April 2, 2012
Tags: warrior, warriors, of, arc, josh, vrana, spider-man, hero, romance, fantasy, jaso


Joshua David Vrana
Joshua David Vrana

Lincoln, NE

Hello my name is Josh, I'm 23 years old, live in Lincoln, NE, when I was younger I didn't like to read that much, it wasn't untill the Harry Potter books that i satarted to enjoy reading. I fell in.. more..