Ch. 2- The Bird

Days Missing: 1                                           10:13:02 PM

 

Zane

"Where the f**k is she!" My voice crashes throughout the room, making the guys cower. My chair lies on its side against the wall, flipped from my sudden outburst. My fists are clenched, nails digging into the skin. "Zane, you need to calm down." Lucas says, holding his hands out in front of him. "We're doing everything we can...."

"That's bullshit!" I cut him off. "She's gone missing and you've been sitting on your asses!"

Now it’s Lucas’s turn to get angry. “That’s not fair and you know it!” he shouts, silencing me. “She’s only been missing a few hours. Chances are she’s still alive. Those men took her for a reason. A reason I can’t figure out. We’re not sitting around doing nothing. We are doing everything we can to find her. You’re not the only one who cares about her.” My eyes drop to the floor, ashamed.

“Just calm down, We’re not going to find her by being a maniac.” He says, the anger subsiding from his face. I nod, my body feeling heavy. “Go get some rest. You need it.” Without another word, I leave the room.

Every step feels like I’m stepping on glass, the shards piercing through my skin, shooting mercilessly through my body, stretching out to my fingertips, making them vibrate.

Back in my room, I collapse onto my bed. I run my hands through my hair. I wince as my fingertips graze the cut on my head. Things lay scattered across the floor, thrown across the room from my rages. Even though it was this morning when we were attacked, it feels like days. I can’t even remember much how it happened. It’s all a blur.

I stare up at the ceiling, absentmindedly grinding my jaw, completely frustrated. With Eneko. With me. With everything. I know it’s unfair of me to think this way. Both Eneko and I did everything we could. It all happened so fast. They were too quick. Too strong. They swept over us so quickly. When they grabbed for Alexandria, Eneko lunged himself at them, being closer than I was. One of the men was small, but quick, and he struck Eneko across the head. He fell to the floor, his body limp. I threw myself at one of them. I hit one hard, his body crumpling to the ground. Another one of them hit me in the head with something, while the others went after her. She was screaming. Screaming my name. I lie there slumped on the cold floor, watching it all through a daze, completely worthless. They grabbed Alexandria's arms, and a sharp cry left her lips as they twisted them cruelly behind her back while one put a cloth over her mouth. Her eyes rolled back. She stopped screaming.   

I clench my teeth as anger flashes through me, pulsing through every inch of my body, spreading through the veins, setting every inch on fire, filling me to the brim. A growl builds up in my throat, and I throw my head back, roaring at the ceiling, my voice filled with rage and frustration. Tears soon follow.

I roll onto my side, facing the window, curling my body into a ball, fingers knitting through the sheets. My vision becomes blurred as the hot tears trail down my cheek, soaking the pillow.

My eye catches a small object, a gold chain peeking out from under the covers. I stretch out my fingers gingerly, reaching for it. It’s a necklace. I slowly roll back onto my back, dangling it in front of my face. I recognize it. Alexandria never went anywhere without it.  The charm is a little golden bird. It sways in front of me, back and forth, as if trying to break free. Alexandria loves birds. I clutch it to my chest. Determined now more than ever.

I will find her.

Reviews

[Alleyway Rover]

Okay, the title at the beginning makes me think that we are now… Zane?

I’m not sure first person is the correct choice for this particular piece, because there are two first persons so far. That’s too many people calling themselves ‘me, myself and I’ for my liking.

I think it’s cool that you’re experimenting with different ways to tell a story, but ultimately the story has got to dictate things like tense and POV. If the story isn’t driving it then they are driving the story and your reader is stuck trying to decipher what your saying through the haze.

A third person POV jumping between Zane and Alexandria would probably do everything you want to accomplish without trying to figure out which ‘me’ is talking.

Okay, on to the story:

You’ve got the action and the intensity. I like that. Two chapters and the plot is moving forward with the speed and inertia of an old steam train with a madman shoveling coal.

But I’m not getting much from your characters so far. You are telling the story as both of them, but I’m not getting a feel for the actual people in this situation. I’m not feeling what they feel. Obviously Alexandria is scared to the point of making poopy and Zane is on a serious rage, but those are complex emotions. They show pieces and parts of ourselves that we normally keep hidden.

There’s a maxim in acting; screaming isn’t intensity. If you’re not familiar, basically if you’re playing part that requires emotions like rage or fear or something like that, you won’t get a good performance by just saying the lines really loudly. The same concept kind of applies. Take Alexandria and her predicament. Every person in the world would react differently. Some would cry, some would go catatonic, some would think about their families some would be sharpening a toothbrush for the first person to walk through the door…and so on… These intense emotions give you the opportunity to really show us your characters. Show us who they are and why we should care about them. These are the people driving this story, they need seem real for us. Maybe Zane is a hothead who runs up to his room and grabs the first weapon he can find and charges out the door still bleeding. Maybe he’s the eye of the hurricane sort and starts forming a plan.
Hell, maybe he’s a coward and runs and hides in his room.

Who these people are and how they react have got to drive the story and these early chapters are essential for creating that.

Hope this gives you some ideas.
Cheers!

[Hester Vane]

So, I've just read the first three chapters of this and I have to say I am very impressed. This is very clean and precise. You create great intrigue and I am still wondering what is going on, so I will definitely read more.
There are just two things I think this might need.
1) More description. The action is great, but you need to describe the people, the surroundings etc. to give the reader something to imagine. I am three chapters in and I have no idea what either Alexandria or Zane look like. I have no idea what the room Alexandria is in looks like or where Zane is. It might be your intention to leave out all that detail at this point, but you will have to start putting some in because the story is great but it needs life.

2) I love the short staccato sentences in the first two chapters. It creates a great pace and tension. I also applaud you for writing in first person narrative because that is hard to do well and you have done it well. What I would say though, is maybe you need to alleviate from the same structure between narrative voices to help show the characters off as individuals. Again if you change the sentences slightly it will allow for more description and really bring the story to life.

I could be wrong in this assessment and read on and I see that you have changed it, but thought I would point out what I have noticed so far at this point. Anyway, this is really great and I am looking forward to reading on.

[JordanIsaacSmith]

Ahh, and then it cuts to Zane's perspective. I'm liking the way you're telling this story so far. I've seen a lot of fantasy/romance/vampire stories on this site, so it's refreshing to see something that's quite original. The description is great and I like the two main characters. Another great chapter!