The Alley

A Chapter by Amber Daniel

Days Missing: 15 3:35:44 PM

Saxon

“Saxon!” I hear Channing’s frantic voice as I swivel sharply on my heel, catching a thick metal pipe mid-swing, aimed right for my head, gripping it firmly between my fingers. I twist violently, ripping the pipe free from the boy’s hands. He’s not one of the ones that was hovering over Dmitri, and anger thunders in his eyes like a heavy storm.

With a blood curdling roar, he leaps at me, his body ramming violently into mine, throwing me to the ground. My back hits the ground, shoving the breath right out of my lungs. A body falls right next to mine, and it’s Miren, another boy stuck to him, a knife clutched in his fingers. My eyes widen as I realize Miren won’t be quick enough to block it.

I gather up all my energy and thrust my hips up into the boy on top of me, throwing him off easily. I punch him square in the jaw, then twist my body towards Miren, launching myself at the boy on top of him, knocking him off of Miren. I cruelly twist his wrist, forcing him to free the blade. He whimpers in pain as I elbow him in the chest, knocking the breath out of him.

I fly off of him, turning just in time to ram my entire body into another boy. This one I recognize. Jeremy. He’s attached to Dmitri’s hip all the time, always following him everywhere. When it was my turn to go to the Alley with Zane, we’d always see Dmitri, Jeremy not far behind.

I knock him down easily, being the bigger of the two, and he scrambles to get back up. I turn, and find Zane still fighting the tall boy. He looks very young, but strong, and Zane’s having a hard time keeping him down. Zane throws a sharp punch, but the boy ducks, evading the swing skillfully.

Someone collides into my back, and I whip around and it’s Eneko, body arched and eyes locked on Braxton, who grins crazily, clenching his fists. A bruise around his eye starts to blossom, corrupting his flawless face. I stand my ground with Eneko as the boy charges toward us. Eneko rams his body into him like a bull, a growl escaping Eneko’s throat. I leap onto Braxton’s back, wrapping an arm around Braxton’s neck, pulling him off Eneko.

We struggle for a moment, but he wriggles out of my grip easily, wrapping his arms around my waist, pushing me backward harshly. He rams me into a wall, knocking the breath out of me. He punches me in the jaw, and my vision blurs. Another shock of pain shoots through me as he hits me again, my knees starting to give way. I brace myself for another blow, struggling to muster up my strength. Suddenly, Zane is there, knocking Braxton off of me. He throws him to the ground, straddling him. He decks him hard in his jaw, and Braxton thrusts into him, throwing him off his body easily.

There’s a shout and I snap my head to the right, finding Dmitri beating the s**t out of Lucas. I dig my heel into the ground, running to him, but a blood curdling scream filled with pain pierces my ears, stopping me in my tracks. I whip around, and I find Iris trying desperately to fight off another one of Dmitri’s men, gripping a threatening knife. I recognize this one too. His name is Rowan. He’s extremely skilled, especially when it comes to knives, and Iris is no match for him. She clutches her arm tightly, and my heart drops as I see blood seeping through her fingers.

“Iris!” she turns at my voice, and her eyes are wild with fear. I break into a run, covering the long distance between us. Something collides with me, a body, knocking me clean off my feet, our bodies ramming harshly into the ground. He flips me onto my back, cocking back his fist. I twist my body under his, but I was getting tired, my strength leaving my body, and he decks me hard in the jaw, sparks crackling across my vision. I taste something metallic on my tongue, and warm liquid trickles down my chin. He decks me again, and my brain rattles violently inside my skull. I blink, desperately trying to clear my vision. It’s Braxton.

This boy was pissing me off.

He can’t be older than nineteen, and yet he’s more violent then Dmitri. He has a knife in his hand and he swipes, slicing my forearm open. I cry out in pain as blood runs down my arm, soaking my shirt. I grip his wrist and twist it violently, the blade falling from his fingers as a whimper escapes his lips. He shifts his weight, crushing his knee into my stomach. He pins both of my arms down, digging his hand cruelly into my wound. Heat sears through my body, feeling like every tendon was on fire. I struggle under his weight, finding it hard to break free. He leans down over me, chest pressed to mine, breathing heavily into my ear.

“Tell Zane he’s never going to see her again.” He whispers.

Anger surges up into my stomach. I wanted to kill this b*****d, for being a part of this, for putting my brother through so much pain. For threatening the life of a member of our family.

With a grunt, I thrust my hips violently into his body, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. Crawling to my feet, I pull back my fist, clocking him hard in the jaw, and he cries out. I could’ve sworn I heard a crack. His body falls limp, and I sluff him off to the side like rag doll, and he lies crumpled on the ground. I stalk forward, finding it extremely hard to walk straight, my vision starting to fade.

I look around. Zane his hovering over the tall boy now, whose fallen unconscious. Lucas had forced Dmitri against a wall, and he was colliding his knuckles roughly with the man’s jaw, causing his head to bounce harshly off the wall. Rowan pulls up his knee, kicking Channing square in the chest, sending him flying. I spin on my heel, looking everywhere. I can no longer see Iris. My head begins to spin, and the corners of my vision start to blur. I stumble, and I lose my balance, colliding hard with the ground. My breath rattles as everything goes black.

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© 2013 Amber Daniel

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Reviews

Alleyway Rover

Don’t ever break up a fight scene between chapters. Any scene where the action is ramped up, the pace is nearing breakneck and the exitiment is boiling over is a terrible scene to split up. It’s like putting a speed bump right in the middle of the Indie 500.

Aslo it’s jarring to suddenly switch perspective in the middle of the scene. That’s like suddenly switching cars in the middle of the aformentioned race.

I’m afraid I don’t buy the idea that guy with (to my knowlege) no fighting experience can grab a metal pipe swung in mid air. To be frank, it annoys me when someone claims martial art masters can do it, but sometimes I let it slide. In reality, if the man is swinging it hard enough to inflict damage, putting his hand in front of it would do nothing more then shatter every bone in his hand and wrist.

Other then that the fights are fairly well written. I think they could be cleaned up a little and streamlined.

Start by taking out all they -ly words, most of them probably don’t need to be there.

Some of the descriptions don’t add a lot to the scene (‘I taste something metallic on my tongue, sparks crackling across my vision, feeling like every tendon was on fire… etc) and take up precious time and space. This is a high-traffic area and word real-estate is at a premium.

But overall, pretty good. The pace in energetic and the actions are clear, defined and, for the most part, plausible. I like the fact that your characters didn’t go in and just win inexplicably. Just the opposite, there’s the very real feeling that they will lose this fight and that equals tension.