Chapter 5

The rest of winter break passes in a similar way. Me making breakfast, me leaving it for Ryan, me throwing my food out. Ryan playing with his food. Me running in the morning. Ryan not following after the first day. Ryan curling up on the couch. Me studying and writing notes for hours. Repeat for every meal.

The tears are dry now. Mostly. At night, I hear Ryan crying into his pillow. I hear him crying for Alexei in his sleep. I hear him screaming before waking up. I hear him pleading for someone to stop, for someone to help him. I hear him whispering that he’s sorry, so sorry. I barely sleep. I catch bits of sleep every few hours. I try to comfort Ryan, but he pushes me away.

Alexei shaking his head.

It hurts more than it should.

Nights are the worst. During the day, Ryan is open… well, more open. He doesn’t smile anymore. He doesn’t laugh. He just stares at the wall, numb to the world. But at least he doesn’t push me away. During the night, he’s closed off.

During the day, I’m okay. Ryan is always there, and I can’t leave him alone. I have to cope for him. During the night, the voices are there. I draw bloody lines on my arms, on my thighs. I don’t cry. There’s no point. He’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

There aren’t any distractions from my memories.

The pain distracts me a little, but only for a brief, blissful moment. I know it’s not right, I know I’m not right, but still… it’s worth it.

The memories are too painful.

I remember Alexei’s smile. I remember Alexei saying he’s fine. I remember Alexei shaking his head. I remember Ryan’s smile. I remember Ryan’s laugh. I remember the three of us laughing together.

I’ll be fine.

I remember being happy.

My brain runs over every memory of us together. I try to find every moment where Alexei didn’t look happy. I try to find every moment where I could’ve helped him. I try to find every little detail. My brain delights in showing me all the memories of the times where I could’ve done something to stop Alexei from doing what he did.

Alexei shaking his head.

I covered the piano. Neither of us had the heart to get rid of it, but it’s too painful to look at. I’ll swear I see Alexei sitting at the piano, smiling at the keys. I’ll swear I hear Alexei playing the piano, the notes floating in the air like stars. I’ll swear I feel Alexei’s breath on my ear as he whispers for me to hold on.

I’ll be fine.

When I turn around, nothing’s there. No one is there. The piano stands in the corner, all alone. The apartment is silent. There are no stars in the apartment. There’s no one next to me.

I’ll be fine.

There’s just empty air.

I’ll be fine.

And I’m all alone.

I’ll be fine.

* * * * * * *

I hear footsteps walking towards me. I don’t move. The door opens, and I hear Alexei’s soft gasp of surprise. He kneels beside me and I look away. There’s blood on the floor. Blood on my sleeve. Blood dripping down my wrist. Tears in my eyes. Alexei leaves the room and comes back with gauze and bandages. He gently cleans the fresh cuts on my arms. He hugs me.

I start to cry.

“Nothing’s going right,” I wail. “Everything’s wrong, everything’s falling apart.”

He doesn’t respond. He just hugs me, rocking back and forth gently. I cry into his sweatshirt. He presses his face into my hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m being a burden, aren’t I?” I mutter, pulling away. He shakes his head.

“Don’t we all have the right to be a burden every once in a while?” he replies.

“Doesn’t mean we have to be one,” I whisper. Alexei gently wipes my tears away.

“I can’t promise things are going to be alright…,” he whispers. “But…

“I promise I’ll always be here for you.”