Chapter 13

Ryan smiling. Ryan laughing. Ryan begging me not to starve myself… for him. Ryan pushing me away. Ryan standing in front of me, sobbing. Ryan, nothing but bones and a bit of skin. Ryan screaming at me. Ryan running. Ryan lying in a pool of blood.

Ryan, my best friend, I’m sorry… I failed you.

Alexei smiling. Alexei laughing. Alexei bandaging my cuts. Alexei promising he’d always be there for me. Alexei saying he was fine. Alexei shaking his head. Alexei leaving me a note telling me to care for Ryan.

Alexei, my comforter, I’m sorry… I failed you.

Ru smiling. Ru laughing. Ru wiping my tears away after my father smashed my piano. Ru crying when I cried without knowing why. Ru crying when my father beat me. Ru comforting me after I woke up from nightmares. Ru screaming for me to help him. Ru pleading with my father to stop because he was hurting me. Ru crying out in pain. Ru dying while I watched, helpless.

Ru, my precious baby brother, I’m sorry… I failed you.

Xo smiling. Xo laughing. Xo ruffling my hair. Xo telling me he loved me. Xo promising to always be at my concerts. Xo staring at me hollowly. Xo staring at me coldly. Xo telling me to call him Xolani. Xo lying to my father. Xo refusing to help me. Xo dangling from the ceiling with a necklace of rope. Xo leaving a note telling me he’s sorry, so sorry. Xo telling me he loves me.

Xo, my loving older brother, I’m sorry… I failed you… I forgive you…

Mom smiling. Mom laughing. Mom teaching me piano. Mom guiding my hands. Mom showing me how to play a piece. Mom smiling at me at Carnegie Hall. Mom running to me. Mom telling me what a good job I did. Mom promising to always come to my concerts. Mom making me promise to always follow my dreams. Mom breathing her last breath in front of me.

Mom, I’m sorry… I failed you.

Dad smiling. Dad laughing. Dad ruffling my hair. Dad taking me out for ice cream. Dad telling me I was going to do well. Dad screaming that it was my fault. Dad sobbing in his room that night. Dad beating me. Dad telling me I was a failure. Dad killing Ru. Dad going to prison. Dad pleading for me to forgive him behind prison bars.

Dad… I’m sorry… I failed you…