Chapter 19

Four years later, I hear the news of a shooter at Ryan’s graduate school. A madman who murdered dozens of people. I get the first flight to California with London. We run to the school. We push through a crowd to see pictures of the murdered students. We look at them. I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s okay. I open my phone to call him before I remember that he changed his phone number. I look around and spot a teacher. London and I go to him. We ask him about Ryan. I pale at the teacher’s response.

We’re in the hospital a few minutes later. The nurses and doctors shake their heads when we ask. London’s expression is blank. I’m… I’m numb.

This can’t be real… this isn’t real.

A nurse asks if we’d like to see him. London shakes his head. He tells me he’ll wait outside. I walk in the room, passing a boy wearing a scarf. Ryan’s face is calm and relaxed. I sit next to him and look at him.

“You lied,” I whisper. I leave the room.

The boy stops me. “Um… Lucius?” he calls. I whirl around. He smiles at me shyly. “I’m Ruki.” His smile fades. “I just wanted you to know… he wasn’t directly targeted by the shooter. He saved another boy. He was going to shoot someone else, and Ryan jumped in front. After that, the shooter ran away.” Ruki looks down. He plays with the end of his scarf. Tears glimmer in his eyes.

“The boy Ryan saved abused him. That’s why Ryan changed his phone number. Ryan didn’t want you to find out. He would rather you didn't know even if it hurt you because he thought you would forget.” Ruki looks at me, and the tears are streaming down his face.

“Ryan was always too good for this world,” he chokes out. I nod, then turn and walk away. Ruki calls after me. “I’m sorry, Lucius,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. I turn around again. “He loved you more than anything else in this world,” he says with a small smile. “You’re lucky to have as many memories with him as you do. We’re all lucky to have met him.” I nod and walk out to meet London.

I step outside. I look at London.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

“He’s really gone” I whisper. London doesn’t respond. “Ryan’s dead.”

The tears start flowing down my face.

We fly home. I’m numb, unfeeling. London drops me off at the apartment before leaving. I go inside and come outside a moment later. I stare at the building. I run. I run and run and run. I pass a little pond in the middle of the forest.

I run and run and run. I reach an old concert hall. I go inside. I go to the piano. I sit on the floor beside it and start to cry.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you,” I whisper. “If I’d went with you, if I’d made you stay, if I’d stopped you… I could’ve done something. And maybe you’d be okay.” I look at the object in my hand.

“Why did I love you when I know I’m only going to get hurt…,” I whisper.

“I can’t do this anymore.”