Chapter 10

I wake Ryan up. It’s Saturday. No classes for either of us. Ryan jolts awake. He looks at me, confused. “Come on, Ryan. We’re going on a little trip,” I say. Ryan frowns. I smile. He sighs and gets up.

Ryan gives me a look when I get in the passenger seat. “Where are we going?” he asks, sliding into the driver’s seat.

“New York City,” I say in a sing-song voice. He frowns, confused. I sigh. “Just drive.”

About an hour later, we’re in New York City. One of Ryan’s favorite places to visit. My absolute favorite. We park―ugh, parking is so expensive here―and get out. I nudge Ryan. He’s staring at the buildings in awe like he does every time we come here. Takes in everything. “Anywhere you want,” I say. He smiles at me. His first smile ever since… ever since Alexei died.

He drags me around the city for hours. It’s enjoyable. Eventually, though, he tires himself out. I pull him around. I find a bakery. I tug on his arm. Ryan freezes. I look at him. He looks at me pleadingly. “Ryan, you’re eating,” I growl. He glares at me. “Ryan, you’re a skeleton. Nothing but bones and a bit of skin.” My voice softens. “Ryan, you need to eat. You’re killing yourself,” I whisper. Ryan pulls his arm. I hold on.

“That’s means a lot, coming from you,” he spits, glaring at me. “You should know.” I flinch, and he succeeds in pulling his arm away. He rubs his wrist. I feel a faint twinge of guilt. I ignore it.

“Ryan, that’s why I’m asking you to eat,” I say, exasperated. My voice softens. “I know what it feels like. I know we aren’t the same, I know our reasons are different. But in the end, it’s because we think we can gain something from doing this. For me, control. For you, perfection.” I look him in the eye. “Ryan, you’re perfect. You don’t need to do this to be perfect.” Ryan turns around. I catch the glimmer of tears in his eyes.

“…You don’t understand,” he whispers. “I’m fat. I’m ugly. You can’t see the fat. I see fat everywhere, and I know it’s not there. I know. But I’m not as strong as you.” His voice breaks as he turns to face me. “I can’t get out. I can’t stop.” Tears shine in his eyes. I reach for his arm. He moves away.

“Ryan…,” I whisper. I look at my feet. “Ryan, please. If… if not for yourself, than for me.” Ryan whirls around.

“Stop!” he cries. “Stop it! Just leave me alone!” He turns and runs. I let out a cry.

“Ryan! Ryan, stop!

“Ryan!”

* * * * * * *

“Xo!”

“Shut up!”

I’m crying. Xo stands in front of me, furious. “I thought I told you not to call me that, brat,” he snarls. I cower against the wall.

“I’m sorry, Xolani,” I whimper. He hisses softly as he rubs his leg. It’s covered with a maze of scars. There’s a scar across his face, and his once gentle face is now contorted with anger. I look at his leg. “D-Do you want me to go get something for your leg?” I ask. He growls.

“I’m fine,” he mutters. “Go away.” I hang my head and leave the room. I go to the living room and peek around the corner. My father isn’t there. I go to the counter and grab a plate.

I knock on the locked door. Xolani opens the door. He looks annoyed. I hold out the plate. A plate full of Oreos. Xolani’s favorite snack. Xolani blinks in surprise and I smile hesitantly.

He smacks it out of my hand. The plate shatters on the floor. I flinch and look over my shoulder. I hear heavy footsteps. Xolani retreats into his room, and I gather the shards of the plate in my hands. I wince when a shard cuts my hand.

Then I feel a sharp kick to my side. “What are you doing, brat?” my father roars. He looks at the shattered plate. “Clumsy failure,” he snarls. He kicks me again. I hear the door creak open. My brother’s face peeks out. I look up at him hopefully. He’ll help me, won’t he?

“He threw the plate at my door,” Xolani states nonchalantly. Fear begins to bubble in my chest and starts to clog my throat.

“Xo…,” I whisper. I look at him. “Xo… help me.” He looks down at me coldly.

“I told you to call me Xolani,” he says. I look away. I hear the door close.

I can barely walk the next day.

Love doesn’t protect you. Love isn’t everlasting. Love isn’t unconditional.

Love is a lie.