Chapter 9

Ryan wakes up screaming. I rush over to him. Not like I was going to get any sleep anyway. I reach to touch him, but he flinches, moving into the corner and curling into a ball. He presses his face into his knees. His body is shaking with sobs.

I reach for him again, and he cowers, shrinking away from me, but there’s nowhere to go. I gently touch his hand. “It’s alright,” I whisper. “It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re okay.” He doesn’t move. He’s still shaking. “Ryan, listen to me. You’re safe.” He looks up at me. His cheeks are wet. He looks so afraid, so hurt, so heartbreakingly sad.

“They’re out to get me,” he whispers. “They’re going to find me. They want to kill me.” His voice shakes. I sit on the bed. He flinches.

“They can’t hurt you,” I reply. I move closer. “Ryan, you’re going to be okay.” He stares at me with wide, terrified eyes. I take a deep breath in. “You know I have nightmares too. But before I started rooming with you, they were terrible. I’d wake up shrieking, barely able to breathe. I’d be screaming until my throat hurt. Althea, my stepmother, was always out of the house. I was always alone. I’d wake up screaming, all alone, with nothing but darkness and my thoughts to keep me company.

“It got to the point where I tried to stop sleeping altogether, but I just ended up dozing off in class. I was terrified that I would have a nightmare in school, so I forced myself to sleep. It was hard. I even considered begging Althea to buy me sleeping pills. But I knew they wouldn’t help.” Ryan is watching me with those wide eyes. The fear has faded a little bit, but it’s still there.

“Do you know what helped me?” I ask. Ryan tilts his head. “I would try to remember that as long as if I’m not dead, I’m at least coping. It helped me remember that I didn’t need to be alright. I just needed to cope enough to make it to a new day. Remember that, Ryan. Tomorrow’s a new day. Keep coping, and things will get better.” I smile ruefully. “Fake it till you make it.”

Ryan looks at me, shock in his eyes. And… a question.

“I would be forced to relive the worst moments in my life,” I whisper. “Over and over, night after night. I didn’t want to close my eyes because I was so afraid, and I was so guilty. Every nightmare reminded me of everything I lost, everything that could’ve been and didn’t happen because of me.” I spit the last word out bitterly. My cheeks feel damp. When did I start crying?

Ryan stares at me for a moment before flinging himself into me. He starts crying. I don’t say anything else. I just hold him, letting him cry himself out. Eventually, he dozes off. I gently lie him down on the bed. I hesitate before lying down next to him.

I let my eyes flutter close.

* * * * * * *

I’m screaming, screaming hard enough that my throat aches, but I keep screaming. I’m alone at home, and there’s no one to hold me, to tell me everything will be alright. There’s no one to tell be to be quiet or else Father will get mad. There aren’t any warm hands to hold me until I cry myself to sleep, aren’t any small hands to wipe away my tears. There’s no soft voice to tell me I’ll be okay.

There’s only darkness and memories.

Ru wiping my tears away.

Ru screaming in pain.

Ru lying on the floor, still and silent.

Xolani closing the door.

Xolani holding me as I cried.

Xolani hanging from the ceiling, still and silent.

Father screaming that I was a failure, that it was my fault.

Father crying when he thought I couldn’t hear him.

Father going silent.

The voices start to scream, screaming that everything’s my fault, my fault.

I press my hands against my ears, sobbing.

I’m all alone, with nothing but my thought for company.