Chapter 18

It’s the end of senior year.

The road to recovery has been long. There have been days when I’ve found Ryan on the bathroom floor with a bloody razor in his hand and tears running down his face. There have been days that Ryan wakes up screaming from his nightmares. In those moments, I hold him until he stops crying, until he falls asleep. There have been days where Ryan has lashed out at me.

I don’t care. I’ll come back every time to care for him. He’s all I have now, and he’s the only one that can keep me safe from myself. I wake up with nightmares too. Ryan’s always there, crying when he sees my tears without even knowing why I’m upset. Ryan’s always there to tell me to eat too, even when he doesn’t eat either.

At moments when he’s starting to drown, Ryan sings. He sings the chorus of his favorite song. He sings to himself. He hums the song when he’s happy, sings it when he’s upset. I listen. He sings it so beautifully, so sweetly.

So let's be sinners to be saints

And let's be winners by mistake

The world may disapprove

But my world is only you

And if we're sinners then it feels like heaven to me

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, Ryan sings for me. His voice is so comforting. It’s soothing, an anchor for when I'm drowning. It’s like a hand pulling me out of the stormy waters. It’s Ryan. Ryan is the only reason I fight to stay above water, to live. To thrive.

You've got it all

You lost your mind in the sound

There's so much more

You can reclaim your crown

You're in control

Rid of the monsters inside your head

Put all your faults to bed

You can be king again

There's method in my madness

There's no logic in your sadness

You don't gain a single thing from misery

Take it from me

Ryan reminds me of everything that’s good in this world, and all that there is to live for. He reminds me that I’m wanted. He reminds me that I’m not worthless. He reminds me that I’m not alone.

It’s time to let him go. I don’t want to. I want to protect him forever. I want to be by his side all the time. But I know I have to let him go in. He’s grown. He’s less naive, less childish. I don’t know if that’s good or not.

I meet Ryan at a bakery. We get cupcakes. I get a red velvet cupcake. Ryan gets a chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. We eat in silence. We walk outside together. Ryan was staying with London, and London brought Ryan here. Ryan’s leaving with London.

I watch Ryan walk to London’s car. Ryan hesitates before opening the door. He gets in without looking back. I watch the car pull out. I feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. I turn to walk away. I’m halfway to the apartment when I hear a voice shout my name. I turn around, and Ryan is running towards me. He flings his arms around me and starts bawling.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” he cries. I pat his back, tears filling my eyes. I blink my eyes rapidly. I won’t cry. I refuse to cry.

“I’ll miss you too,” I murmur. I pull away from him. I hesitate before speaking again. “Promise me you’ll come back. Promise me that I’ll see you again.” Ryan looks down.

“I… I promise I’ll come back. I promise you’ll see me again,” he whispers. I smile and wipe his tears away.

“Now go on, or you’ll miss your flight.” He sniffs before turning. He goes to the car, but this time he looks back. He stares at me sadly before entering the car.

I watch him leave. The moment the car goes out of sight, the tears fall.

This is the last time I’ll ever see him.

* * * * * * *

Ryan and I are sitting together. It’s the day before Ryan leaves. We’re sitting at the pond. Ryan is chewing on a cookie. I’m staring across the pond.

“I’m going to miss you,” Ryan whispers. I sigh. Ryan turns to look at me. I look at him sadly. “Do you have to go so far away?” I ask mournfully. Ryan studies my face for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Lucius. But you know I have to” I turn away. Ryan pulls on my sleeve. I turn to face him again reluctantly. “…Promise you’ll remember me. Promise you’ll wait. Promise,” he whispers.

“…I promise,” I whisper. Ryan smiles before standing. He walks away. I watch him leave with tears in my eyes.

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”