Independence Day

The date is July 4, 2094. Most of the population of the United States is out somewhere having cookouts and shooting off fireworks. Me? I'm looking for some kid in New York City who will join the Fire Division. We normally let the kids live with their biological parents until they turn eighteen because most of the time their abbilities havent developed yet. Then we take them and train them. But this kid is living on the streets... He's only eight. Not sure of the story behind that, I'm just the person who is supposed to take  them back to the mountain.

I finally spot him. He's huddled under what looks like it used to be an overcoat at some point. I walk up to him, he's asleep. Geez, How can this kid sleep on the street? Gently, I shake his shoulder until he wakes up. "Hi," I say, "my name is Kelsey."

He looks at me with his brown eyes and says, "I'm Derek. What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to come with me. I know somewhere that you can go so you dont have to stay on the streets anymore."

Once again he looked at me before answering... I guess he was thinking it over. "I guess so, its better than staying here."

His answer surprised me. Usually, when you talk to someone on the streets, they are very suspicious. I guess he was so trusting because he young and hadn't been out here very long. First things first, though, he had to be cleaned up. Its a good thing I came prepared.

"Alright, then. Lets go." I said

"Where are we going?" he said in a quiet voice... If he stays this quiet, I think I'll like him.

"First, we are going to my hotel room so you can get cleaned up, then I am going to take you to meet some very nice people."

He seemed to take all this in stride, and walked silently with me back to the hotel. When we got there, I told him to take a bath, and I went to get him some clothes out of my bag.

The clothes were of the traditional Ninabi dress... Capri like pants that came to about the middle of the shin in length, some sandals, and a long-sleeved, white shirt. The shirt, when put on resembles the top of a Japanese Kimono.

When Derek was finished dressing, I also changed into the traditional clothes of the Ninabi. My clothes are different from his.. being the fact that I'm a girl. Mine look like the Indian dresses from India. They are much more comfortable than the things that pass for clothes now.

"Derek, hold my hand and dont let go, ok? We are going to do something a little unusual."

He tentatively took my hand, and I brought the fire. It enveloped both of us, and when the fire stopped, we were standing at the base of the fire mountain. I smiled. I loved this form of travel, it was always so exhilarating. I looked down at Derek's face... Unlike most, who are usually sick after their first time of elemental travel, he looked quite excited. He must've enjoyed it.

"Derek," I said, he looked at me again, "welcome to the Ninabi Fire Mountain. Welcome to your new home."

 

 

Reviews

[Lady]

This is a great chapter. Very eye catching and exciting. I love the amount of creativity as well as originality you have shown here.

I have a few tips for you to make this piece all the better. First, towards the beginning, I believe you should better describe "Kelsey's" reasoning behind the mission to find this boy named "Derek". Maybe she hardly recognizes the old human world any longer, so make a point of that. Have her describe the strange things that are going on - it is the 4th of July - crazy things will be happening, especially on the streets.

As for the boy, rather than having him just give in, maybe have him run away from the girl in fear. Perhaps something terrible had happened in his past, or maybe he was even warned of someone coming for him.

Overall, I think you're moving just a bit too fast - you're creating an entirely new world for us, but it's already developing without any mystery or hidden excitement.

I hope that this helped. Good luck and keep writing!

Lady

[Livana Lowell]

I love where it's going, though at points I think I can forshadow, I really can't. I like being surprised and not knowing what's up the minute I read.

[..R.I.P..]

I like this chapter, it's very good.
Great write.
~PJ

[Marilu Elizabeth]