Your only remembrance

Your only remembrance

A Chapter by Ashley.M.E
"

When someone hurts you, the best way to get back at them, is to show them how you feel. When that doesn't work, the best thing to do is stop them from doing it again

"

She finds herself glaring at the sight of that which she had loved. His mask no long hiding the truth, his heart not longer painted the dark crimson red. His face not sad, not hurt, no sorrow, but happiness. They stand in the cold whipping wind and stinging rain. The acid like substance just made her eyes fill like the rain did to the lake near by. The fire like tears streamed down her face like the rivers that rain through the forest.

 

Was she stupid, was she blind? She was sure she was. It took the clouds to take away the sun. The sun gone meant he could no longer use the blindness of its lights to block what he was. A monster, a liar, a heart-breaker. He was evil, who tricked her with a mind of a beautiful face, a heart and words themselves.

 

Her kind heart was sucked into this whirlpool of darkness, now without even a thought did she care to wander his plan. She never loved him… why could she allow herself to like someone who never met what she needed. No, she hated him, her hands gripping the sword she wanted to use to kill his tainted heart.

 

Her clothing soaked to the bone, his laugh stuck in her mind. He was happy, joyful of the pain. He was insane, he was evil. His heart of blackness had no color but that of black matter just sucks it all in. Lifeit like a whorled pool, but never gives it back. She gave and gave and all it did was break her and leave her. Just like the ice cold winds that pulled her in.

 

She could feel it, herself giving in again. Her hands loosening, why couldn’t she do it, she had him. He was cornered, there was no way out. She made the web, but couldn’t force herself to take the lunge, but she couldn’t let him go.

 

It was honest the god the truth, he had to be stopped… no one would ever come here. Before she knew it she couldn’t breath, pressure like that she had never felt, as though a tree was crushing her lungs she could barely stand. Her eyes never left him, it was him, all him.

 

She had to do it, the storm would only worsen if she did not. It was time to end it, but she couldn’t run, she couldn’t walk. Everything was darkening. The water in the lake seemed to boil. Then the waves took over. She watched the water get darker and darker until finally it became a dark velvet red. The royal red. She couldn’t believe it.

 

She still couldn’t believe, he just stood there, swallowing her whole. She could feel herself, she wasn’t herself. Her arms shaking her feet numb. Her head becoming cloudy, she couldn’t see him clearly anymore.

 

Shaking her head from the memories, his lies. She couldn’t let herself be fooled. Some how she could see, the weight that pushed down on her was gone. Without any hesitation, she couldn’t or she would be fooled again, she ran. He didn’t see it coming. She ran at him with all her might, the knife jabbing into his chest. He took a gasping breath as the plunged into the water below.

 

She looked into his eyes, hoping for once some remorse, they widened in fear, but that’s not what she saw. She heard some how, as he was trying to take his last breath, that he was sorry. She didn’t understand for what. Sorry that he hurt her, or sorry he was caught. It didn’t matter. Before she knew it she rose to the surface as he made his way to the down.

 

Swimming to the surface it was over, the storm was gone, the lake clean. She made her way home, he never existed to her. His very memory erased from all those he hurt. He was finished, through. His body never found, becoming one with the water, or eaten by fish. Either way not a trace was left, made her wonder had she dreamed the whole thing.



© 2010 Ashley.M.E


Author's Note

Ashley.M.E

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!



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It's a good start. Makes me want to go back and read what happened before this took place. Check the following.


"
When someone hurts you, the best way to get back at them, is to show them how you feel. When that doesn't work, the best way(thing) to do is stop them from doing it again
"

She finds herself glaring at the site(sight) of that which she had loved. His mask no long hiding the truth, his heart no longer painted the dark crimson red. His face not sad, not hurt, no(not) sorrow, but happiness. They stand in the cold whipping wind and stinging rain. The acid like substance just made her eyes fill like the rain did to the lake near by. The fire like tears streamed down her face like the rivers that rain through the forest.



Was she stupid, was she blind.(?) She was sure she was. It took the clouds to take away the sun. The sun gone meant he could no longer use the blindness of its lights to block what he was. A monster, a liar, a heart-breaker. He was evil, tricked by the mind of a face, a heart and words themselves.(this last sentence doesn't really make sense.)



Her kind heart sucked into this whirlpool of darkness without even a thought did she care to wander his plan(this sentence isn't clear). She never loved him… why could she allow herself to like someone who never met what she wanted(instead of what she wanted, perhaps her needs?). No, she hated him, her hands gripping the sword she wanted to use to kill his tainted heart.



Her clothing soaked to the bone, his laugh stuck in her mind. He was happy, joyful of the pain. He was insane, he was evil,(.) his(His) heart of blackness (had?) no color but that of black matter that sucks in all close to it like a whorled pool, but never gives it back.(this sentence reads a little rough) She gave and gave and all it did was break her and left her(and left her what?). The ice cold winds that pulled her in(this looks like a partial sentence).



She could feel it, herself giving in again. Her hands loosening, why couldn’t she do it, she had him. He was cornered, there was no way out (I think I would make this into two sentences. It would read firmer and stronger that way). She made the web, but couldn’t force herself to take the lunge, but she couldn’t let him go.(you might want to make this into two sentences rather then using but in two places.)



It was(was the?) honest to god the truth, he had to be stopped… no one would ever come here. Before she knew it she couldn’t breath, pressure like that she had never felt, as though a tree was crushing her lungs she could barely stand. Her eyes never left him, it was him, all him.



She had to do it, the storm would only worsen if she did not. It was time to end it, but she couldn’t run, she couldn’t walk. Everything was darkening. The water in the lake seemed to boiled(boil). Then (then the?) waves took it(I don't think you need it) over. She watched the water get darker and darker until finally it became a dark velvet red. The royal red. She couldn’t believe(believe it?).



She still couldn’t believe, he just stood there, swallowing her whole. She could feel herself, she wasn’t herself. Her arms shacking(shaking) her feet numb. Her head becoming cloudy, she couldn’t see him clearly anymore.



Shacking(Shaking) her head from the memories, his lies. She couldn’t let herself be fooled. Some how she could see, the weight in which(that instead of in which?) pushed down on her was gone. Without any hesitation, she couldn’t or she would be fooled again.(,) She ran,(.) he(He) didn’t see it coming. She ran at him with all her might, the knife jabbing into his chest. He took a gasping breath as the bunged into the water below.(as they? plunged? into the water)



She looked into his eyes, for once some remorse(hoping to see remorse?), they widened in fear, but that’s not what she seen(saw). She heard some how(,) as he was trying to take his last breath(,) that he was sorry. She didn’t understand of(for?) what. Sorry that he hurt her, or sorry he was caught. It didn’t matter. Before she knew it she rose to the surface as he made his way to the down.



Swimming to the surface it was over, the storm was gone, the lake clean(possibly rewrite this, something along the lines of "It was over, she swam to the surface, the storm was gone, the lake clean"). She made her way home, he never existed to her. His very memory erased from all those he hurt. He was finished, through. His body never found, becoming one with the water, or eaten by fish,(.) either(Either) way not a tress(?word choice?) was left.(,) Made(made) her wander(wonder) has(had) she dreamed the whole thing.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I know we all have our own opinions, so don't get mad about this, but I just don't think it's very good. It should be more personal to readers, it actually seems very vague

Posted 10 Years Ago


I really like the description here. Nice and compact. A few typos. I agree with the below review. If you want it more personal to the reader, maybe cahnge to first person. At the same time, you may have been going for the "distance" for the type of story.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I can see the similarity of this writing and my own. It always seems a bit pulled away from it all. I think maybe you should try to bring the story to the reader (I'll have to work on that too) and make the reader feel.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Wow, this was very good. I loved the imagery that used. I felt like I was apart of this story. Great job!!!!!

Posted 10 Years Ago


I love the imagery and the power in this. It has both the feeling of poetry as well as being a story. The feelings that the female character is trying to bring across to the reader are there! Yet, there are some confusing sentences and some spelling errors that reading it out loud to yourself would catch.

"Whirlpool" Line 14
"Lunge" Line 18
"Lungs" Line 21

Overall, I really enjoyed the tale being told and the expressive quality of the piece.

Keep up the good work!
Aaron Wolfie Maycroft



Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on June 5, 2010
Last Updated on December 22, 2010


Author

Ashley.M.E
Ashley.M.E

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