Twenty-fifth letter: Mystique heated wine.

Mark gets back to heavy drinking, he drags Helen and Amy into it, few weeks of happiness until something went wrong.

Dear Brandy,

I hope this letter finds you at well, at least I hope you're doing better than me, I'm writing you this letter under the effect of many drinks, I'm writing in hate, anger, fear, contempt, hope, joy and regret, I honestly don't know how to feel, I knew about you and your man, I'm sorry for what happened, but for some reason I envy you, at least you know how to feel about it, at least you can drown in your dismay and enjoy drinking your wine in pain, sometimes I miss that feeling, real pain, still I hope you're no longer in pain.

For many weeks I've been drinking a lot, I've been drinking with both Helen and Amy, they haven't drank in two years but they started recently, I admit that I enjoy that, I admit that I motivated them to drink, but now I regret it, now I despise all alcohol, the three of us took a promise to make tonight the last night of drinking for us, and tonight; for once I hate all drinks, for tonight everything went wrong, or so does it look like, but all I know that tonight I've lost trust I've been building for years; trust in mankind, once again I saw the worst of men tonight, I wish I didn't, I wish I'm wrong, I wish I can deny it, but I saw it in my own eyes, and I hated it.

I felt jealous, mad, used and abused, tonight I paid the toll for things I didn't do, I could've used everyone, I could've gained so much from them, but there was a good part of me that was still sober, I was the only one awake enough to prevent a night of regret, but somehow I regret being sober, if I was drunk enough, if I was evil enough and if I wasn't gentle enough I would have been happy, but I was trained to be sober, during the year of serving my country I was trained to stay alerted, especially around the elite, we were offered the best and strongest kinds of drinks during receptions and gatherings, the drinks were not for pleasure, they were given to extract any information others can give, I was trained to remain awake and discrete, to act drunk and happy, somehow I'm happy, or at least that's what I'm convincing myself, but it's the alcohol.

It was Helen's and Amy's birthday party, we were all happy, I promised them to get drunk, and I stood up to my word, I even had to pay extra money that might effect me for the next two weeks, but I kept my promise for sure, and it didn't matter as long as everyone had a good time, until we got into a friend's house along with five of their friends, some I knew and others I met for the first time, I sensed something wrong there, but I didn't mind it, we had more drinks more fun, although it was cold, so cold that the skin cracked between my knuckles, I didn't mind that, I was there to save the eve, ready to move in shadows and make sure everything is fine.

Two weeks ago a woman dropped by my office with a bottle of red wine, it was warm enough to take away the cold of the weather, she gave herself to me that night, but I pushed her away, don't tell this to anyone but since I've been seventeen I've been pushing them away whenever they are drunk and whenever throw themselves in my lap, probably because I want that to come out by their free will, not the effect of some intoxication, maybe because I want it to be real and maybe because I left the world of sin behind. I don't know why but it feels better telling you this, I know others will read it but I don't care much at the moment, at least it's better than being mad, although I should have unleashed hell with my anger earlier, but for once I didn't, I thought everyone else was happy, I didn't want to ruin that.

I wish I can tell you what happened but I shouldn't, it has to be hidden, it's not a secret, at least not mine, but it has to be unspoken, still, it was good thing I was there, I left our friend's house about an hour ago, I left because I didn't want to watch, I left because I didn't want to be a part of it, and I left because I don't want to know, I walked home on black thin ice, but my steps were steady, I didn't slip, not even once. Two hours ago I was holding Helen while walking on snow, she almost slipped many times, and I was there to hold her up, I'll do that as long as I can.

It's now 3:33am and I didn't pray, I don't want to pray, I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want; I don't want to remember what happened, I don't want to believe what I saw, and I don't want to talk about it, Mike and Leo warned me against it, but I told them not to worry, I told them I'll be there to make sure everything will be fine, but I was too mad to stay, still I maybe should thank what ever is holy that I was there, and that I am here.

I'm worried at the moment but I don't want to know what's going on, I don't want to care, and I don't want to love anyone anymore, a wise man named Oscar Wilde once said "A man can  live happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her" I think he was right, but again I still care, maybe there's not much that I can do, but I know that there's nothing I can't fix over a cup of coffee and cigarettes, and the question is should I even try to fix things? Should I clean up the mess again? Or should I simply walk away...

Brandy my dear, sometimes I wish the goodness in me would die, sometimes I wish I can betray,use, mistrust and hate people again, but I can't anymore, maybe I'm just naive, maybe I really have changed, and maybe I can't get back to that person who takes pleasure in causing pain, maybe I'm growing weak, maybe because you made me believe that I'm a good person, maybe because you're the only one who saw that in me, although you've seen the worst of me.

It has passed 3:33 and I'm on the floor, drunk, half naked and cold, nothing but a typewrite in front of me, even my cigarettes are in another room, my mind is taking me back and forth; I really don't know what happened, I don't know what's happening, but for sure I know I'll keep each and every promise I gave, I will help Helen with her movie, she's going to study filming in the summer, I'll help Amy writing her book as well, I hope we finish both projects before they are gone for good, I'll stand by Leo's side to grow our dream into a better reality, I will always be Mike's brother, even though he's still rude, I'll do what I'm good at.

That's it for this night Brandy, no more love and no more mystique heated wine for me, no more drowning in hope, no more... Until we meet again dear Brandy; be safe, be sane and be well.

Yours truly,

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed

Reviews

[YouoweYoupay]

Sometimes, it takes only one human being to drain hope from our eyes, and other times it takes one human being to revive our faith in the world. The night you had attempted to escape because of something unpleasant you could not watch, had caused you to write a letter to Brandy, a person who knows you like the streaks of skin in a palm. You regret the good in you, wish it gone, but you go on. And because of Brandy and time's natural healing, you sober up and try to get some sleep, or this is what I hope you've done. Sharing the weak lines in a human heart is not weakness, I think. It only gives us a weak reflection of ourselves to look at, retreat from, and stand up strong again. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.

[M.Kilani]

That was what exactly happen, I admit Brandy has a great effect on Mark's life, but if you read the next chapter you'll see she's not perfect, no one actually is, still Mark kept writing her.
A silly thought came into my mind... if only brandy reads the reviews on the story, maybe she;d understand Mark a bit more, perhaps change her perspective.
Thank you for your review, it's always a pleasure to receive one from you.

[B. Maaitah]

if I were Brandy, I wouldn't be nicer to Mark either, because in her toughness he derives strength... if they were both to become emotional they'd both crumble and fall.. don't you agree Kilani ?!

[M.Kilani]

Well sometimes it's a matter of give and take, one should be positive when other is negative, not the other way, but sometimes negativity is contagious, so is being positivist I believe.

[M.Kilani]

And keep in mind the distance in between both Brand and Mark, the communication tools, which might lead to misinterpretation, if you go back you'd read a letter sent by Brandy to Mark, it doesn't explain much how she feels about him, instead it's a clear picture of what Mark has been going through with some words of comfort among the lines, yet his reaction to that letter was intense, the missing element of voice and body language in addition to quick interaction led Mark to something that Brandy might have not intended.

[SuicidePact.]

This is so realistic.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting story. It was very personal in feel and in thoughts. Easy to fall down and hard to re-gain strength. I like the complete letter. Thank you for sharing the excellent letter.
Coyote