Thirty-first letter: Farewell (The last letter)

The story comes to an end with creul farewell

Dear Brandy,

I still wish my letters find you at well, I have been keeping myself from writing you this letter for long time, today is the day that scared me for years, but I'm afraid the time has come, and you still don't know when to quit while you're ahead.

The word farewell feels heavy, brutal, unfair and untrue, but it is a farewell after all, and I've been making many of them lately, few days ago I said farewell to my colleagues, and yesterday to my father, again, he came home for the holidays, for the first time I felt how hard farewells are, for the first time I had no hope that I will see those people again.

In case you're wondering, I have already forgotten what's been said that day, until this morning, I have read your two mail letters, I haven't got out of home until this morning to go to my morning work, I couldn't see anyone during the past week, and I still don't feel like seeing people nor talk to them, but I have to. 

I feel like a pensioner who's been set free, there were times when I have trouble sleeping, other in waking up and sometimes I wake up after an hour of sleep; short on breath, tensed and with a heartache.

Brandy, this is not an attempt to fix things between us, but since it's the last letter I'm sending I believe I owe you the whole truth, I owe myself the truth; I'm a short tempered man, this tolerance I've showed you was forced, I had so much to say but I kept myself from saying it so that you won't feel offended in any way, I kept my passion, my lust and my love just so you won't feel a bit offended if I expressed any of it in a wrong way, I fear misinterpretation, sadly that made a lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation, but what's done is done.

You deserve to know that with every women I knew after the day I met you I kept myself from the same things, and it wasn't a matter of respect nor fear, a part of me wanted to be loyal, maybe too loyal that I've deprived myself from many things, until that became my nature, and I had hope that you would fix that, but it seems that only I can help myself. 

I know you still think I'm delusional, that I didn't love you and that I ruined our friendship, let's say that I agree, let's say that I didn't love you and only wanted company, let's say we weren't made for each others, after all I don't know much about love, I never had it before, but there are few things I can't explain; if we were only friends why did I want you to be the only company to have, why didn't I joke with you in a mean way like I do with other friends, why did I give you more respect than I give to others, why did I act "Utopic" when it came to you and why didn't I walk away at the first chance I had, two years ago.

I find myself in a strange situation, you said in your letter that you see me as a member of your family, a situation that every man would hate, I hated it, I wanted us to be a family, but I think it's not meant to be, if we act in such a way to this, how could we deal with bigger issues, the thought dreads me.

I know that what you did was of a good intention, even before you sent your letters, I know you had to push me away so that I will no longer be attached to you, it was cruel but it had to be done, you denied me from the only thing that I truly wanted, for my own good, or at least that's what you think, but I'm not this wild animal that you tame and release into the wild hoping it will get along and return to its natural habitat, I didn't leave because of your words nor because of the disrespect you've shown, although I know you're not that person, I only left because it was your desire, it was your wish, and I still wish I didn't, I know how bad you need your friend by your side, and to be honest at this time I need you the most, but we can't depend on our needs if they hurt us, although it's not you who hurt me, it's the distance between us that does, I still keep your picture, and every time I look at it my veins burn, my heart beats hard and my mind aches, pain eats me inside out.

I hope you're doing better than I do, I know you are, my friends say you're fine and happy, and I wish you truly are, I wish you're not faking this happiness, I feel regret for adding sorrow to your life, you don't deserve it especially from me, I feel jealous of my friends, knowing they can still see you, talk to you from time to time and know how you are doing, your memory hunts me, every waking hour I'm still thinking of you, with every cigarette, with every cup of coffee a flash back of you sipping my coffee, even you don't like coffee and snatching my cigarette, even though I don't allow anyone to touch any of them, but now I'm left with nothing but coffee and cigarettes, my wife as you said.

I don't know what will happen next, I don't know how will you react to this letter, but I know one thing, I wish that the moment I see you in future I will feel nothing but gratitude; gratitude for seeing you again, hopefully happy and in a good health, gratitude for knowing you, gratitude that you care enough to release me and let me be, gratitude for the lessons you've taught me, the support you gave me, the pain you caused me and the moments of joy we shared.

My heart truly aches as I'm writing these exact words, all the pain and heartache I've felt in my life is nothing comparing to what I've been going through in the past week. I never thought it would come, at least not like this, I thought it would be your wedding day, a day when you deserve an appropriate farewell.

My hands are shaking, my heart is aching, my vision is getting dim and my breath is getting heavier as I continue writing, but this is something I have to do to release you from pain and guilt, to release myself from what you called a lie, from what I saw as the only truth... But days will pass us by, this pain will fade away, or I'll get used to it, after all none of us gave it all, we were both afraid.

I will pray for you Brandy, my dearest, I will pray that you will forget this very fast, I will pray this will not sadden you anymore, I will pray you'll be happy and I will pray that you find the peace of mind you've always wanted same time every night, at 3:33am, and I promise you I will not drink to forget you, nor write you again.

Farewell Brandy, be sane, be well, be happy, be safe, be strong, stay true, stay you and stay forever kind, I hope that we meet again in a place where there is no darkness.

Yours truly,

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcome

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

Such a sad ending to a poignant tale. A love that was never meant to be but we must cut the ties of those things which will not thrive

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you for the amazing letters. Letters are very important. I miss the days of letters. Words on a sheet of paper are more personal. Thank you for sharing the letter and the thoughts.
Coyote