April 2000 -2

Apr 22

 

I watched music shows on TV in the morning. N'Sync's song was on the 1st place in the countdown. Then we went to electronics shop with Yuki and her parents. She bought a computer software that lets you change the hair colour in photos. I was looking for a voice recorder and found one I liked but they had sold out. Later in the day I went over to Yuki's to play with her new software but she had some other girls over and the software wasn't loading and it wasn't that entertaining. I noticed a very strange thing... Yuki was wearing a bra!! How disgusting! I was not expecting this from her. That must be why she has been wearing thick clothing... I wonder, isn't she disgusted with herself? I am a little glad that she is first between us. Actually she mentioned lately that she hopes to grow big. Argh it's even disgusting just to write about it! I Had a massive issue with puberty... I was flatly refusing that it is bound to happen. Made me struggle a lot over the next few years. 

 

Apr 25

 

Mum and Pete left for Russia to visit her parents. I have to go to school. We had a PE class where we have to be in a T-shirt and I did not want to.  I was mortified about not being perfectly flat anymore and could not fathom anyone noticing it. In the morning before school, while everyone was asleep, I made something out of mum's old pantyhose. It looked alright. But right before the class the thing slid down and I did not have time to adjust it. So I had to run as I was. Have to think of something... Basically it was a narrow tube top kind of thing that was intended to keep me flat. These sort of body/sexuality related issues were so embarrassing to me I even wrote about them in the coded alphabet I had devised myself a few years back so that no one could read it by accident nor even I had to see the words jump out at me. I kept that tradition till early twenties. 

 At the art club I attend after the classes there was not much to do and I was looking through some art albums. I found a very strange picture there. Two women are standing in a bathtub and one of them is holding the other by ... something. I don't even want to mention it. And the description of the painting is disgusting too! They even describe the colour of it! OK, so the it is a n****e. And I feel awkward writing the word now too! That was a weird painting alright. Do not remember what description said but certainly nothing I could make sense of... 

 

Apr 27

 

In the late evening it hailed. Dad was at a bathhouse and I was home alone. It was so strong the whole apartment block roared. When I looked out to the balcony there was a pile of ice on the floor. It did not last for long though. I watched TV. That was so scary!

 

Apr 28

 

At school we worked out the groups for the upcoming trip. Some girls accepted me into their group but I kept getting teary. I suspect I will be left alone as usual.

 

In my evening English class it was pretty good. Ana (one of my favourite teachers) was in a good mood although she still wears all black after her dad passing a month ago. She said that she dreams about her dad smiling silently every night. Dad took us to for a pizza for dinner.

 

When I had time after school, I sewed two camisoles together (to make them thicker). Tomorrow we have a PE class and I suspect we'll be running.