Doc's Office

Chapter Four

4

           

            How does one begin to pencil out his life? I’m not sure if I can relive the pain, the horror, and the anguish. I have so much hate, so much pain and sorrow. I just want to die…

            I’m not sure of whom I can trust…

            “Can I trust you doc?”

            “With your life!”

            “…Good answer.”

 

            I sit there at nights, wondering if I can continue… how the pain is so great, how it eats away at me, how it makes my stomach twist and turns. I even laid out a gun…

Slowly loaded it and cocked the trigger back and stuffed it in my mouth…

My hands trembled; I had fear for the first time in a long time. The gun had rattled against my teeth and I can taste the metal. You know what crossed my mind that very moment…

            Nothing…

            Not a god damn thing… that’s what scared me.

            Aren’t you supposed to see something, to give you a reason to go on living? But it was total blackness, my spit running down the barrel of the gun to my fingers. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t end it this way, not this way. I just broke down and cried…

            I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels, and threw back a stiff one… when beer wasn’t enough to numb the pain, I moved up to the hard stuff. Straight up, Jack and Gibson became my new friends. I boarded a run away train, and never wanted to look back. I ran away from my problems… Hell, I even tried to drown them. Sooner or later, I was about to become a train wreck.

 

            Sooner or later… I am about to turn up dead.

 

            I knew my life was falling apart, I pleaded for god to help. My dreams were becoming reality, I didn’t know whether if I was awake or not. Things started to get scary, people where coming around, people I did not know… Then in the middle of my party, I hear…

            “Who you talking to?”

            I look around and realize… I’m the only one partying. That’s when I made a decision, a hard one at that, for me anyway. I would put myself into the dry-out.

            I stop and begin to cry, sitting on his couch rubbing my eyes. I look his way,

            “That’s all for now doc,” my voice crackles. “If you don’t mind.”

            “It’s okay, I understand.” He gives me a smile.

            “I don’t know you enough… to be letting myself go in front of you.”

            “It’s fine, Lawrence. But please try; write it, if you can’t talk to me yet, put it on paper for your eyes only. And when you’re ready, you can try to be open with me.”

            “Yeah, I'll try doc. It will happen.”

            “There, you see. Were making progress already. I’ll see you again next week, same time good for you?” he stands up.

            “Yeah.”

            “Don’t forget,” he pointed his fingers like guns at me. “write it.” and gives me thumbs up.

           

            Next week … I’ll try to write. Thinking to myself on the elevator.

 

             While I was strolling out of the building, one thing crossed my mind, I thought of that night. One where I had the gun in my mouth, all I had to do was squeeze the trigger. That metallic taste was in my mouth as I thought of it.

            For all I know, I could have… and this, all this.

            Is my Hell…

            The pain and suffering I’m going through, all this anguish. I could be lying there on my blood-splattered couch, my brains on the wall and ceiling. Who knows, for all I know, this, can be a living nightmare.

Reviews

[Lily Mae]

Such a place of emptiness and void that so many never understand.. when life is so lifeless that the thought of the brain splatter actually becomes and real option.. very very deep..x

[Norma M Sutton]

A scary thought of hell indeed.

[Wicahpi]

oh, there isn't a next, yet..lol

[Wicahpi]

thoughts of suicide; reminds me of old memories...reminds me of the one who actually pulled the trigger, wondering about his last thoughts...
up there in the conversation with doc, there is a sentence that needs a tweak.
"I don't you know enough..." otherwise this gives me chill bumps. sad to me when there in not one reason to live, but can relate to the feeling. on to the next...