Day 10

Day 10

I have never been an athlete, sportsman, orator or anything else that requires a competitive nature to excel at.

I am not competitive by nature.

I used to play some tennis. Every game I would play with enormous anxiety, not because I wanted to win, but because I had to try and appease my very competitive instructor who would always tell me I had no soul, or heart, or talent. I had all those things, maybe not talent, but I definitely have a soul and a fully functioning blood pumper.

Whenever I played just for fun, however, I would always smile, whether I had won or lost, and I lost more often than I won. This made everyone very angry and therefore when people watched me play I would play under enormous pressure, perform very poorly and everyone would wonder why I was so useless at everything. I am not useless at everything, I am quite good at many things. I just don’t care that much about winning in most cases, because in most cases it doesn’t matter and all you achieve is an anxiety attack on your way to a hollow victory.

As you should know by now I am an anxious person, therefore, if I force myself to be competitive I would lose any and all drive and completely implode. I therefore do not take part in activities where it is impossible to compete without feeling that sense of urgency. I performed very well in school and became a prefect, I don’t try to be the best, I just try to be better than the useless anxious mess I was the previous day. When I am calm and relaxed I can even do certain things very well, I can study, make people laugh (in person) and do many things that I think will ensure my success in life, even though I might not be the most successful.

That is the sort of person I am, and I’m pleased with that, I have never had the need to validate myself, I have never had any self-confidence issues.  

Maybe that is what all competitive people seek, validation. I wish them luck.