Dreams of Her

A Romeo dreaming of his lost Juliet.

I awoke with a sudden a jolt, sweat dripping from my face. 

I observed my surroundings, clutching the sheets of m bed desperately. Through the piercing dark I could make out my safety. My comfort. My disappointment. I groaned, both angered and ashamed of my sudden outburst. My head dropped on the pillow, my neck muscles sighing at the sudden relief from the strain of searching. I turned over in my small bed and stared at the empty space next to me. The very spot I had longed for her to be laying, eyes closed, mind lost in deep dreams. 

I closed my eyes, disappointed. She wasn't there. Of course not. She'd never be there. I'd lost her. The dream was nothing new. Just my daily reminder of the pain of letting her go. I had been searching for her ever since that day, but somehow, she disappeared. No one knew her name. Not even the man who hired her to play Juliet. He told me she refused to give any indication as to who she was or where she came from. I searched for her everywhere. Though without her name, it was nearly impossible. Instead, I attended every party, every road trip or vacation, every and any sort of social interaction where I might be able to run into her. Once I found her, I was never letting her go.

"Hey man, mom said it's cool. You are officially my b***h this weekend."

I rolled my eyes an gave Brian a playful punch on the arm.  He almost toppled off his desk. Our fellow classmates cast us annoyed looks. I crumpled up a piece of paper and tossed it at a tall, skinny blonde girl. She turned around, and, clearly irritated, let out a whiny "Stop it!" 

I grinned. "Oh come on, Beth. I'm just messing with you!" 

She rolled her baby blue eyes and returned her attention back to her friends. They all giggled obnoxiously and glanced at me, each one lowering their eyes to my groin. 3 of them had boyfriends. Good luck s***s, I thought bitterly. My mind quickly drifted back to Juliet. I leaned my head back and sighed. God how I wanted to see her. 

"Wakey wakey!" 

I peered out of one of my eyes and stared at the girl in front of me. Her hair was curly and brown. I sighed. just like Juliet's…

"Hey Sarah," I smiled.  She grinned and sat down in the desk next to mine. Our assigned seats were in the front, but until the bell rang, the back was ours. Sarah and I chatted awhile. Brian eventually joined in, bringing with him a large group of girls. I had to admit, they were pretty hot. Though none of them were beautiful. I told them they were pretty or cute all the time. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew they expected it. 

"Hey you're in my seat."

I looked up. Great.  The two goths of our class stood in front of me. The one who had spoke was short and pale with light blonde hair which was dyed red at the end. She wore a long black skirt and a black lace blouse. Her ears and face were covered in piercings. The girl beside her had black hair. She was also pale, only slightly taller. She wore a pair of black trip jeans, leather combat boots, and a layered t-shirt. She only had a few piercings in her ear and on on her lip. They were both pretty freaky looking.

"I'm sorry," I said apologetically, standing and returning to my sit in the front. Brian and the girls joined me. All the nerds and goths sat near the back, where as those like myself sat in the front.

I hadn't noticed but Sarah was petting my hair. I just looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "I love your hair!" she squealed. "Allison, come feel Devon's hair! It's sooo soft!"

Before I knew it, I had a swarm of girls around me. Though with all the hot faces surrounding me, there was only one on my mind.

Reviews

[Angela Flynn]

Hey Tori - I really do love your writing, and I seem to be loving it more the more I read of it! Okay, a few small things I noticed with the piece (you know when you read over something, post it, then someone points something out and you think 'how'd I fail to notice that before posting?!' These are those kind of things lol.

Formatting - you want to be consistent, generally for fiction pieces you want to indent each paragraph in at the beginning, even if the paragraph is only made up of one sentence. See the first and second lines.

End of first sentence, second paragraph '...the sheets of m bed desperately' should be '...the sheets of my bed desperately'.

Same paragraph - ' I groaned, both angered and ashamed of my sudden outburst'. Perhaps 'angered at and ashamed...'. To me the way it currently is, angered could be read as 'angered of my sudden outburst' if you know what I mean. Maybe I'm being too trivial with this one...just an opinion, take it or leave it!

End of second paragraph '...and stared at the empty space next to me. The very spot I had longed for her to be laying, eyes closed, mind lost in deep dreams.' Have you considered replacing the first full stop with a comma, so it reads as one sentence without a pause? As I was reading this paragraph, it felt very fragmented, especially the end of it. However what I absolutely love about this paragraph is your description of dreams as 'deep', very, very clever! I have never read this before, but it makes complete sense, and so much better than the stale 'deep sleep'.

'Just my daily reminder of the pain of letting her go' paragraph three, in my opinion the use of 'of' is a little repetitive so close together. It's not too bad when you speak it out loud, however I notice it when I read it.

'No one knew her name. Not even the man who hired her to play Juliet. He told me she refused to give any indication as to who she was or where she came from.' This has my interest - when did Devon speak to the man who hired Juliet? What did Devon ask? What did the man say? How could the man not possibly know Juliet's real name, and more importantly, why? Do you elaborate more on this further in the story? If not perhaps you could here because I think it would help to build up more of a reader's expectation and/or curiosity of the Juliet character.

Personally I think the raw emotions Devon feels, the longing, the emptiness, the desire to find his Juliet and the determination 'Once I found her, I was never letting her go' is strong enough to warrant this first part of this chapter to be separated into a chapter of it's own, as it's kind of disjointed to what follows...unless when Sarah says to Devon 'wakey wakey' this is waking him from the dream/sleep at the beginning of the chapter...but then it can't be because he is clearly in a classroom, whereas he is in his bed at the beginning...what I'm trying to say is I think this warrants a separate chapter, and perhaps you could elaborate on (as I wrote above) Devon's search for his Juliet. And rather than tell us what the man told Devon, show us by having Devon remembering the conversation, lost in the thought of it.

Oh - and the above 'Once I found her, I was never letting her go' could be 'Once I find her, I will never let her go' - it's still keeping the determination or 'Once I found her, I would never let her go' which then gives the reader the information that somewhere along the way Devon does find his Juliet. I guess it depends on what's coming up, and how much you want to reveal to your reader in these early stages. (I'm assuming we're on the first chapter here after the intro about Devon watching his Juliet!)

"I rolled my eyes an gave Brian a playful punch on the arm. He almost toppled off his desk." (second paragraph, second 'part') did Brian almost topple off his seat or was he sitting on his desk? Could he have been standing on the desk? Perhaps make it clear beforehand he's on a table or have him almost topple off his seat, because the way the information is given makes it a little confusing.

'3 of them had boyfriends' eighth paragraph up from bottom, should be 'Three'
'just like Juliet's…'sixth paragraph from bottom, needs capital letter at start.

Five paragraphs up from bottom, ' but because I knew they expected it' why did the girls expect it? Did they want everyone to worship them? I think we have to ask 'do these girls play a recurring part in the story? If not, do they need mention?' but I think they do warrant a mention, more so to help us readers learn more about Devon's character. Or perhaps he knew they 'liked' it, which would then also reveal a little more about Devon and the way he interacts with others.

Third paragraph from bottom 'The one who had spoke' sounds funny, perhaps 'spoken'? and also 'The one who had spoke was short and pale with light blonde hair which was dyed red at the end' you could consider 'dyed at the ends' (again, could be the Aussie thing lol)

Brian joins in with a bunch of girls, however Devon interacts with Brian earlier (playful punch), and I just assumed Brian hadn't then walked off to go get the large group of girls to return with. Perhaps make mention of the girls entering the room and coming over to Brian, or make mention of Brian and Devon's interaction ending. 'Brian eventually joined in, bringing with him a large group of girls' - but wasn't Brian already 'joined in' before this?

I really love Devon's opinion of the goth girls. Maybe go into further detail, Devon's opinions on the goth girls reasons for why they choose to be goth. Rather than telling the reader 'The girl beside her had black hair. She was also pale, only slightly taller. She wore a pair of black trip jeans, leather combat boots, and a layered t-shirt. She only had a few piercings in her ear and on on her lip.' perhaps describe this in such a way that you can 'show' us what they look like - perhaps one of them could be fiddling with one of her many piercings when she speaks (we then learn of her piercings without being told directly), etc.

'Though with all the hot faces surrounding me, there was only one on my mind'. The use of 'hot faces' seems a little generic and you used 'hot' earlier along with beautiful, pretty and cute these all seem pretty 'average' terms, you want something like 'deep dream', something creative and original. What makes them beautiful? Is it they're all blonde? All skinny? All busty? When you say 'pretty and cute' is this a step above 'plain jane' - cos none of them are as good as Juliet? Or 'pretty and cute' as in everywhere these girls go people look at them in awe, and then this is showing us the reader either a) how incredibly good looking Juliet is or b) how love struck Devon really is to not bat an eyelid at being surrounded by gorgeous girls because none were worthy of being compared to his Juliet. Hot could be taken as in it's a summer day so it's a little ambigious, could they be eager faces? Repulsed faces? Gorgeous?

Sorry if I'm coming across overly critical, don't take it personally! I'm really interested in finding out more about Devon's quest for his Juliet :)

Oh and also - your dialogue is so real. When the characters interact verbally, the way you write I find I can really hear the characters speaking, it makes them all the more real.

And second last paragraph - 'to my sit in the front' perhaps 'to my seat in front'?