Negotiations

Amala has a long talk with Carn

36.

Negotiations

 

Carn had no idea what he should do or where he should go.   He had experienced many hopeless situations in his long years of living as a Bugbear.   Some of them had ended terribly, with his own ‘death’, though he slowly regenerated back to life again.

But never had he felt so confused and frustrated as he did right then.    Guilt and pain wrestled with his common sense as he jogged up the mountainside a little distance, to get away from Amala.

He didn’t know what to do.      The Drow girl seemed to know just how to stir up his strongest feelings and emotions.    Never had he felt so manipulated and helpless around someone.   Carn had no idea what was happening to him, but he was almost in a panic over what course he should follow.

Things weren’t going at all as they were supposed to go.     He climbed up the side of a huge boulder that was solidly wedged on the edge of a steep crevice.    In the cold moonlight of the early evening, he knew there was certainly no escape.    He sat on top of the boulder, letting his legs dangle over the edge and stared down into the dark shadows that marked the long drop to the bottom of the crevice.

He wasn’t sure why he was reacting as he did.    Perhaps it was the release of part of the geises upon him.    Or perhaps his act of telling Mutt about the story, only to have Amala -of all people- eavesdrop on it.

He had not wanted her to know, yet again he didn’t know why.    It terrified him to have her know all the details of his life.    But she knew them all, now.  

 

Carn debated just sliding over the side of the boulder, giving into the darkness that clouded his mind.    It was too much change, too quickly, yet he was the same.   He was still a Bugbear.  

Only now everyone would know who he really was and that would be worse.    He’d be the cursed Bard, and everyone would whisper and point at him.   

He could end it -finally- by simply sliding off the rock on which he was perched.   

Looking down into the gloom, he nearly considered it, but the words of the Drow girl echoed in his mind.    ‘Her family’, she had said.    Even Amala now embraced the connection.    She had never known her grandmother - never marveled at the energy and spirit of Sialia.   Yet somehow the girl had much of the same feisty personality of her grandmother.   

Even more mysterious to Carn was how she could physically remind him of her, though they really didn’t look alike.    Was it the spark in her eyes or the way she carried herself?   

Carn didn’t really know, but he did feel the connection between the two women and perhaps that was what scared him the most.

 

He didn’t want his ill luck to harm Amala or any of her family.

Even with the demon gone, he was certain that bad luck hung over his head like a storm cloud, and he did not want misfortune to hurt any of Sialia’s line.

 

So he just had to escape!    He had to run somewhere far away from them so it wouldn’t afflict them.  

But she wouldn’t let him.

He knew this without a shadow of a doubt.    She would pursue him, hound him, and perhaps even try to force him to return.    She seemed to know what Sialia would have done in the same situation.  

How did she know?   It was almost as if she could read his mind, or at least feel his emotions.    He could feel her nearby - behind him, watching him quietly, monitoring him.    Protecting him.

 

Just as Sialia would have done.

 

“I’m not going to jump.”   He said aloud to her, knowing she would hear.

“I know.” Her voice replied from the bottom of the rock, “Please come down and let’s talk.”

“I’m scared to, Amala.   Do you know why?”

“I remind you of her.”   She guessed it so easily that Carn almost fell off the rock in surprise.

“She used to do that too - read my mind.”   He told her as he rather reluctantly climbed down.    She sat on a flat rock nearby and he went over to stand across from her.    Though he could just barely see her in the pale moonlight, it almost gave her a ghostly quality.  

Her long hair had come unwound from a braid and it flowed down her shoulders and back like silver.    It was just how Sialia’s golden hair had flowed, and how he had marveled at it, though he had never said a word to her about how beautiful it was to him.

 

They didn’t say anything for a lengthy moment, until finally Amala sighed slightly and spoke, “Carn, I’m sorry I was so forceful with you.   I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and I had no right to act so matter-of-fact in what I said to you.   Obviously you’re dealing with a lot of pain and guilt and she’s haunting you.”

Carn nodded, “Yes, you’re right.”

“Did it start when you got to know me better?”

“I don’t know - probably so, but I really didn’t realize that you were reminding me of her - at first.”

“What was she like?”   Amala asked, her eyes glowing in the night.

“She was bright - I mean by this that she seemed to project light and encouragement, as well as energy, from her very being.    She was passionate about what she felt, very confident and brave, yet with an underlying hint of a deeply guarded insecurity.    To hear her speak was like hearing a songbird.    She never did anything without thinking clearly about what she did.”

“Then why do you say I remind you of her?   That doesn’t sound like me at all, Carn.”

He laughed, “You just don’t see it.   She couldn’t either, really.   She thought that she was child-like and silly, but she could charm anyone without much effort, and not just through singing incantations.    She was a powerful song-caster as well.”

“Well, I’m impulsive and sometimes that gets me into trouble.”

“Perhaps, but I think you ponder the implications quickly and made a decision firmly, no matter what the outcome may be.    Sialia was like that too.”

“You almost make it sound as if she possessed me.”

“No,” He quickly replied, “You remind me of her, but there is much that is different too.    It’s like a reflection in water -you see it for a moment, then a ripple distorts it for a while, only to come back again.”

“I’ll bet you don’t like the differences.”  She smiled sadly.

“On the contrary.   They are improvements.   You see, Sialia would speak frankly to everyone, except to me.    She was over-awed by me.    She would desperately try to conceal her feelings toward me, as she knew this made me uncomfortable.”   

“So we would have long and deep discussions about anything and everything, except personal items that made us feel awkward around each other.”

 

“So you think I’m braver than she was?”   Amala said with a snort at the ridiculousness of it.

“Not really braver, but more willing to show your flaws and admit your errors.    You do not put on any masks around anyone, Lady Amala.”

She smiled a secretive smirk, “You might be surprised, Carn.”

 

Carn shrugged, “You seem sincere.”

“I just speak my mind, Carn.   Which reminds me of something I want to ask you:   when you and Mutt first came to Westmark, you seemed to just be a shy, almost awkward, but not particularly intelligent Bugbear.      Then suddenly you changed.   Why not just come across as yourself - I mean as much as you could with your geis- all along?    You could have shown us you were intelligent.”

“Amala, you have to understand something.    When you are stuck in the form of a Bugbear for 2,000 years and everyone thinks that is what you are, you begin to believe it - to some degree- yourself.    There isn’t any point in trying to impress anyone, as everyone still thinks you are just a stupid brute.    I tried in my earliest days as a Bugbear to act as I had always acted, but that did not stop the prejudice.”

“So you began to believe you were actually a Bugbear?”

“After 2,000 years, it is easy to just act as everyone expects you to act.    There is a degree of comfort in that.    It’s a long time, Amala.    Elven minds can only remember so many memories.    After a while you begin to purge those memories that are no longer meaningful to you.”

“I kept the memories of my life before my curse, and tried to forget much of the rest, when I could.    Yet something that happened so long ago begins to take on almost a dream-like quality to it.”

“There were times that I began to wonder if I ever really was an Elf, or just a Bugbear dreaming of once being an Elf.   When Mutt and I came here, I really had no new hopes of any sort, so I just maintained my charade.”

 

“But if you’d shown us you were not just a typical Bugbear, we might have been able to learn who you were and could have helped you!”   Amala touched his hand and for a moment their eyes locked, but just for an instant, then Carn looked away.

“You couldn’t have done anything… you still can’t.”

“You mean to change you back into your true form?”

He nodded, feeling the embarrassment of his ugliness strongly at that moment.

“Carn, there has to be a way to change you back - you told Mutt that there was a way, but that you couldn’t tell him as you were still under the geis, right?”

“Yeah.” He answered softly.   If she only knew how simply it could have been dispelled, if everything worked out like it did in children’s fairy tales.

“So there has to be a way that we just have to figure out, right?”

“You can’t.” He sighed, “No-one can.”

“I don’t believe that.    I suspect Sialia could have dispelled it, couldn’t she?”

He shrugged and looked away; the mention of Sialia only made him ache again.

“But she wasn’t able to dispel it.”  Amala scratched her chin, pondering it, “Yet she knew you were cursed and went to find you.   So she thought she could save you from it.”

“Amala, it’s all a moot point now, really.”   Carn told her, annoyance hinted at in his voice, “She’s gone and she was… she was the only one who… who may have been able to help me.”

 

He felt the resistance as he tried to speak about the geis, which confirmed to him that it was still in effect.     Even if Sialia had really loved him, the geis conditions required her to publicly confess it, and she never did this.   Perhaps she had feared that if she had, he would have suffered more, or that she would have been ridiculed.  

Or maybe she just never felt that deeply for him.    Friendship, perhaps even deep friendship, but not love.

Amala was watching him closely as he labored with the thoughts and tried to turn the topic of discussion aside.

“Well, I think I might be able to figure it out… someday.    So that is why I am going to insist that you stay close by, so when I do figure it out, I will be able to help you.”

“Thanks, but don’t waste your time, Amala.”  

“Oh, it’s not a waste of time, because you are going to pay me back for my time and effort.”  She told him with a confident and commanding smile.

“Pay you back?   How?” 

Amala looked up at him and her red eyes glowed brightly in the night, “That is why I wanted to talk with you.   To set up our agreement.”

“Agreement?”

“Yes, agreement.    This is how I see it, Carn.   You have a problem that I think I can solve after giving it enough thought.    You’ve felt alone and worthless for centuries, and clearly you have skills and talents that you should be using.”

“Such as what?   Braiding your hair?”   He kidded and at his show of humor, she grinned brightly.

“No, but speaking of that; I want you to do that some time soon.    Now that I see how you did it so well.   You may have the form of a Bugbear, but your fingers are still Elf-like in their nimbleness.”

“Thanks.”   He blushed and had to turn away to keep from looking stupid, as her Drow night vision would see the flush of blood to his face.

“But what I was actually talking about was your skill as a Bard.   Carn, there are next to no bards that can actually  sing spells, left in the world.   Even if your hands are too big to play a Lute or another musical instrument, you can still  sing the spells.”

“We both know that soon - probably next spring, if not sooner- Westmark and Dullerm will be in the middle of a war with the Southern Empire.    I think Torrin will convince the Emperor to keep going with the invasion, even without the Gem of the Oscinate to neutralize the magic.”

 

“I agree”, Carn said, for he knew from centuries of political observation that dictators usually wouldn’t back down if they thought they could overwhelm others by their superior numbers.

“Well, obviously we won’t be able to stop them with the number of our troops against their legions.    But now we have the advantage of magic, and unless Torrin changes his mind, the legions of the Emperor will not have that magic.    So we need to utilize magic.    That’s where you come in.    You need to teach again.”

“I don’t know, Amala.    Part of teaching the Bardic arts is playing instruments, and I can’t do that.”

“Well, compensate - we have musicians in Westmark- have them show your students how to play.”

“There probably won’t be enough time to properly train a batch of bards before the war begins.”   He protested.

“But any training will help.”

“Yes, but the students have to have a knack for it and an ear for music, as well as a good memory.    It takes time to find those who are right for the training.”

“Well, start looking.   In the meanwhile, you can start training me.”

“You?!”

“Well, don’t look so horrified!    I think it would be fascinating to learn and I love stories and music.   I have never cast a spell in my life, but with all that has happened the past few years, I see how that could be very helpful.”

“But do you really want to learn?     Can you even sing?”

“Yes to both of your questions.” She laughed at his hesitance, “I do want to learn and though I haven’t sung around anyone except Snoe, I do love singing.    Ask Snoe if you don’t believe me.    I think I can carry a tune.    Snoe seemed to enjoy listening to me.”

 

“Well, you can’t be shy around people when singing.    That is the first lesson - you have to be willing to sing on the spur of a moment.    It is how a Bard casts a spell.”

“Alright, I got it.   See?   You just gave me my first lesson!”

“Amala, it’s a lot of work.”   Carn put his arm around her in a mentoring sort-of way, as he tried to persuade her to not pursue this idea.

He felt her hand grasp his own and he looked down at her to find her eyes sparkling in the darkness.   She was smiling brightly, and the look so closely mimicked his memory of looks Sialia would give him while he was teaching her, that he forgot to breathe in wonderment for an instant.

“Please, Carn, teach me how to be a Bard.” She asked sweetly, batting her lovely eyes at him, “I promise I’ll honor the memory of my grandmother by doing the best I can.    We’ve got to try something to help even up the odds against the Southern Empire.   Please train me.”

She had him, of course.    The look she had given him was magic far stronger than he could teach her.    He nodded in agreement and she actually gave a girlish squeal of happiness and squeezed his fingers.

“We’ll start when we get back to Westmark, alright?”   She suggested.

“Alright, but you’ll have to obey what I tell you - it isn’t as easy as it sounds.”   They began walking back down the slope toward the cave, and Carn tried to pull his arm away from her shoulder, but she just held on to his hand.

“You’re the master.” She said, looking up at him brightly, “So tell me - what preparations do I need to make to get started?   Do I need to buy a lute or a lyre or something?”

They walked as he rather awkwardly began to explain it to her, and she continued to hold his huge arm around her shoulder with her hand.    Slowly he began to relax a bit and she kept asking questions to show him that she was only expecting a professional relationship with him.

It was all part of her plan, of course, for she certainly could act when she needed to do so.    She found being trained as a bard to be interesting, but her goal was to follow Mutt’s advice.

She was going to get Carn to relax and remember the joys of teaching.    She was going to get him to trust her and to feel comfortable around her.   She was going to get him to see that she accepted him for who he was, not what he looked like.    Then once he understood all this and accepted it, she was going to remove his curse.

That would be the easy part, actually, but she knew that he had to come to terms with how people looked at him before he would ever be able to function as an Elf again.

Or understand that someone might actually love him.

So the teaching would go both ways, and Amala was both thrilled and terrified of her role in it.

But, to her profound amazement, it was a fear she was most willing to face.

Reviews

[Elina]

"...only to have Amala -of all people- to eavesdrop on it." You can take the second "to" out.
"...everyone thinks that is what you are, you began to believe it..." You'll want to change "began" to "begin."
"Now that I’ve see how you did it so well." I'm not sure if your were wanting "Now that I've seen..." or "Now that I see..." ?
"...bards that actually can sing spells..." It may sound better if you switch "actually" and "can."
"...you still can sing the spells." Perhaps switch "still" and "can."
"...though I haven’t sang around anyone..." I believe "sang" should be "sung."

Oh, this was so wonderful! I ended up getting a bit emotional, too. Ah, my heart...

[Eddie Davis]

Thanks, Elina, I am very happy you liked it.