CHAPTER ONE

UPDATED

Hi. I’m Frances Blaire, but they call me France. I’m 17 years old.  I’m the type of person who rarely socializes with people, Maybe some His or Heys, but pizza parties? Pajama parties? I never experienced those. I’m scared. Scared that what happened to me in my grade school years will happen again. I got bullied a lot back then. They kept on teasing me fat, and ugly. Well I think they were calling me ugly because I was fat. Well I was really fat, I admit. But those people who were teasing me really dragged my self-esteem down. My self-esteem was so down that I didn’t want to go back to school. I always locked myself in my room. So my parents decided to move in to a different city, to a different school. Since then, I have problems with dealing with people… I never trust people at all, except for Empress. Empress Parker; she’s my childhood best friend. It’s pronounced as Em-(pause)-press by the way. I hope you get it but anyway, our friendship started when she welcomed me and entertained me in the new village we’ve moved in. God, for how many kids in the village, she was the only one who stopped by our house and said Hi. And oh, she also brought a pie. Currently, we attend the same high school. She wanted me to go to the same school as hers because she wants to protect me from the bullies, and I really appreciate that. Even though she’s one of the popular girls in school, because she’s the head cheerleader, she still eats with me, walks to classes with me and sometimes when she has no cheer dance practice, she walks home with me.

To cut long story short, because of my past experiences, they turned me into an Introvert. Yes I’m an introvert. In case you don’t know what introvert is, it’s basically, not wanting to explore the outside world. Well maybe you’re thinking that I could’ve lived in a cave, I still get in touched with people, somehow. I discovered this social networking site called Twitter while I was reading a teen magazine; I got curious so I searched for it, until I started using it. For me, it’s not that easy to be judged by the people there. I mean, you can make your own profile and nobody will judge you, nobody can drag your self-esteem down. So since then, the internet, in general, has been my outlet whether I’m happy or when I’m sad. I can rant and I can spill whatever I want to say that I can’t say in my real life. I can fangirl with the strangers as long as we all share the same love in music, or books, or bands. It’s not that hard to get along with them, the only thing that you should expect from them is that, they just come and go. But still I’ve made “friends” with some. For me, you can still find real friends online or even if you’re both at the different parts of the world. It doesn’t matter to me, as long as they will accept me.

 

***

It’s past my bedtime. As much as I want to stay up late reading the Paper Towns, I can’t because I have school for the next day. Most of the time, I find myself lost while reading this book, or any other books. I’m thinking if good looking guys plus smart plus popular, and whatever nice you can think of, only exist in books. That’s why I always get attached to book characters, I get attached to books a lot that I never want the story to end. Because ending the story feels to me like, death of the character forever.

At the left side of my room, just a few steps beside my bed, you’ll see my shelves. Like, my whole wall is build of shelves and it’s already full with books that some of my books just come in stacks on my floor. I think organizing them is already my hobby, they are arranged based on the Authors. And since I am Obsessive-Compulsive, I also arrange them in their color. I love looking at it as if it’s my heaven on earth.

I slap my book close and I stand up to put my book back on its original place, my mini library.

Before I go to bed, I grab for my phone which is just under the lampshade in the right side of my bed and unlock it. I don’t know but I have this feeling that I’m oblige to tweet. Maybe because I’m addicted to it until it becomes part of my daily routine.

@PizzaOhFrances: If only I can stay up just to finish reading Paper Towns. School sucks. Good night Er’body!

As I’m settling myself to bed, I hear the chime from my phone. No it’s not a text message, but a notification from twitter. Someone replied to me.

@PerryThePlatypus: @PizzaOhFrances I love that book! In what part are you at?

This is what I love in Twitter, people seems so nice… even if I don’t personally know them.

@PizzaOhFrances: @PerryThePlatypus they’re planning each step they have to do just to find Margo on time

@PerryThePlatypus: @PizzaOhFrances You’re near the end! No regrets!:)

@PizzaOhFrances: @PerryThePlatypus Yea, I can see that

I don’t want to wait for that Platypus’ reply anymore. I should sleep. I should fight the urge of grabbing my book from the shelf and finish the book because it’s nearly 12 midnight.

 

***

7:30am when I wake up, 8:00am is my class. Screwed. I brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair and ponytail it. I walk to my closet to get something to wear, a plain white v-neck shirt and a red plaid long sleeves polo, I wear my favourite ripped skinny jeans and my black vans. I grab Paper Towns and my phone and slide them straight to my bag. I’m ready for school.

 “France! Where are you? It’s 5 minutes to 8, you’re going to be late! You haven’t had your breakfast yet! Do you know young lady, that breakfast is the…”

“..most important meal of the day, Yeah Mom.” I said mocking her, while I’m on my way down the stairs to the kitchen counter. I grab a piece of toast mom has prepared then she hands me a bottle of soya chocolate-milk. I slide my backpack in my back, kick off with my skateboard and head to the door.

“Frances Blaire! You didn’t have breakfast again!” Mom said, almost shouting so I will be able to hear it.

“I will pig out for lunch, no worries. Bye mom! Love you!” I shout back without even looking back at her.

Since I started High school, I’ve been skating to school. I don’t have a car and mom can’t drive me to school every day because of her work. She works in a bank that’s why she’s busy. Thank goodness she can still make us breakfast and dinner.

As I skate, someone honk at me.

 “HOP IN! We’re late!” It’s Empress. I hop to her car and sit there quietly. I rarely give much word even to her. But this time I tried. “Why are you running late today? You have the early bird record since grade school.”

She chuckles. “Maybe I’m getting this from you and I should blame you, because you’re such a lazy-a*s.”

We both laugh, “But seriously, WHY.” I said with a poker-face, cutting both our laughs.

“I got home late, you know my life France, different cliques from school are asking me to go to their parties and it’s so hard to say no. And there, I got up late. I should blame the stupid alarm too.” She said. I give her an okay-face as a response, which I bet she already got used to.

“France, you want to come…”

“NO.” I said fiercely to interrupt her.

“Aww c’mon Frances Blaire! You’re 17! Get a life girl! You really believe that saying, Life starts at 40 huh? Like literally? Misuse of literality my friend.” She said with an annoyed voice but I just laugh at it. I appreciate her concern though.

We arrive in school 10 minutes late. We forgot that we just have this events inside the school campus, so even if we get in late. It really won’t matter.

“Holy Crap! I rushed this morning in preparing for school ok.” Empress complains.

“Me too, I completely forgot about this whole event thing. I’ll go home instead.”

“Home? Socialize even with the outsiders! Wait. Going back with my question, do you want to come with me tonight? It’s Friday anyway. Don’t worry about your mom, I’ll ask her permission so you won’t be sort of like guilty.”

“I’ll think about it. Call you later.”

“I’ll wait for that. Bye France, I guess I’ll stay here for awhile.” She said and I walk away.

I’m lying to Empress; I won’t go home yet. I just want to be alone and stay in our school’s field and watch soccer training, behind the bushes. I may be shy and introvert but I really have a thing with hot soccer players. While I’m sitting there, I check for my twitter notifications but there are no recent replies. I tweet:

@PizzaOhFrances: I rushed this morning for school and found out, no class. Great.

In a split second, I hear my phone chimes again and someone reply to me, he replies to me again.

@PerryThePlatypus: @PizzaOhFrances that sucks!

@PizzaOhFrances: @PerryThePlatypus I know.

@PerryThePlatypus: @PizzaOhFrances then just read and finish Paper Towns? Maybe?

@PizzaOhFrances: @PerryThePlatypus great idea!

I closed my twitter and get Paper Towns from my bag. You can say I’m a fast reader, or maybe I’m just into the story that’s why I have the eagerness to finish it right away. I’m already in the part where they found Margo, when my phone chimes.

@PerryThePlatypus: @PizzaOhFrances let me know what you think whenever you’re done w/ it! :)

I don’t reply. And yet my phone chimes again. Still from him, but now it’s sent through a Direct Message. Meaning, it’s kind of private that it’s just the two of us who can see it unlike tweets, once you posted a tweet, everyone can see it.

@PerryThePlatypus: Hi!

I reply this time

@PizzaOhFrances: Hey

@PerryThePlatypus: What’s your name by the way?

@PizzaOhFrances: France. U?

@PerryThePlatypus: secret ;)

These kinds of people are the reason why I have trust issues.

@PizzaOhFrance: k

@PerryThe Platypus: Are you mad?

I don’t want to reply.

@PerryThePlatypus heyyyy

Still, no replies from me.

@PerryThePlatypus: supposed I didn’t ask your name, but your age instead? :)

@PizzaOhFrances: 17. U?

@PerryThePlatypus: SECRET! Haha!

It’s not funny, it’s annoying. I shouldn’t have replied to him.

@PerryThePlatypus: Okay I was just kidding, I’m 18 and I’m a guy. Are we good now?

@PizzaOhFrances: yea.

This guy’s identity is intriguing. Yet, interesting.  

Author's Note

this is the updated/edited one. Hope it has improvements though. :( =) i'll definitely get the next chapters edited and improved as well.

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

This is a lot better! I'm really engaged with the character and I like that you're including more of her motivations and backstory. I think you're actually providing too much up-front now, actually. lol I think it all needs to be weaved in more, as opposed to it all being presented up front in two long exposition paragraphs. I'd say start with 'It's past my bedtime' and then try to include relative details when the story narrative allows for it. For instance, when Empress appears, give her backstory then, give some of the backstory about Twitter when Perry the Platypus shows up, give background on why she's an introvert when she's talking with Empress and/or when she's hiding in the bushes. The Platypus relationship thing is a lot clearer and has a lot more depth. You still have some grammar errors, so I'd watch for that on rewrites.
I think in this edit Empress is coming off a little pompous, just because of this line, really: "'I got home late, you know my life France, different cliques from school are asking me to go to their parties and it’s so hard to say no.'" I'd suggest editing it if you don't want her to come off that way.

[Emma Olsen]

Some of the language is a little awkward. You start out in one tense and then change it to another in the first paragraph, and some of the sentences are pretty abrupt or transition into other thoughts too quickly. There's a LOT of telling here - try to explore some images. What's France's room like? She tells the reader she's shy, but she doesn't do anything to really demonstrate that to me (she actually seems really cheerful, chatty, and an extrovert from what you have here - not shy at all, just reluctant to go out with her friend.) Maybe demonstrate a bit more how she feels that she's turning to the internet to make all her friends? (Though, if she's best friends with a pretty, popular girl somehow I don't think she's that lacking in social skills, you know?)
Also, Empress??? Who is this girl that she has a name like that?? Are her parents weirdos or has she somehow co-opted it so that she forces everyone else to call her that? lol
The guy's responses are the really interesting part for me right now, but I think a little more depth to Frances might be good. She feels like a caricature in this, not a fleshed out, real person, I think mostly because she seems so happy-go-lucky the whole time. Not that she can't be happy or anything - but she seems to have at least some anxiety with people if she considers herself shy and I'm not seeing that manifest anywhere?
The dialogue with the guy is great. I think the other characters just need a bit of work. Empress seems like she'll be interesting, too, though I'd be careful of making her into some cliche. I see you have more chapters and I'll try to read over them in a bit. =)

[Gen Escarda]

please read my other chaps and critique them, thank you so much, i appreciate every single thing that you said! because this is my very first story and i really need someone who'll critique my work. Thank you so much! really, i'll apply everything you'll say to my next story. :)

[Gen Escarda]

im doing some edits now, i hope it'll improve haha thanks again!