CHAPTER FIFTEEN

            After Jacey confessed, the things between us changed. He became sweeter than usual; we’re like lovers except that we never said I love you’s and we stay up late every night playing our “What If” games.

            Me: What if… I’m sick and I’m going to die after a week? What will you do to make me happy for the rest of my life?

            Jacey: die with you?

            Me: Are you even serious?

            Jacey: will that make you happy?

            Me: Well…

It’s weird, he’s still not mine. And for Dane, he’s now close with my mom. I spent the days with Dane the nights talking and flirting with Jacey. I feel like a play girl. Yes I’m aware of what I was doing.

After weeks of that flirting-with-Jacey routine, It was a Thursday night, while I was watching this gruesome movie with my mom, Jacey texted me out of the blue.

            Jacey: it hurts.

            Me: Hm?

            Jacey: the girl whom I’ve been dating for almost a week just dumped me.

WAIT WHAT? DID I READ HIS TEXT RIGHT? I DID. IT’S REAL. WHAT I’M READING IS REAL.

            Me: You’re dating someone?

            Jacey: yeah and she called me heartless. it hurts. call me gay but I cried because of her. then I guess I’ll just throw this bouquet of flower away.

DOES HE KNOW WHAT HE’S SAYING? I couldn’t take the deep sinking feeling in my chest so I ran up to my room.

            Me: I’m lost.

            Jacey: i’ll text u later, gonna comfort myself.

WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH HIM?! So then, I left him a message.

            Me: I didn’t know you were dating someone. I assumed that we’re running smooth and all but no, you dated other girl when I thought… never mind.

I went to my bathroom, sat on the floor and cried my heart out. Yeah that was the second time Jacey made me cry and to be honest, the pain was real. Was he just playing with me? Half of me said he’s an a*s and half of me still like him. It’s hard.

My phone beeped.

            Jacey: I should’ve loved you instead.

WHAT?! So I was wrong all the time? What the hell is happening? Someone punch me in the face please I want to wake up from this horrible dream.

I was shaking, I was sobbing. I stood up and stared at my face in the mirror. UGLY; Messy hair, bloated eyes, red cheeks, shiny nose, and the rest of my body looked so pale. I just want to feel numb.

My phone rang. It’s Dane. I hesitated to pick it up but still, I did.

            “Hey France, what’s up?”

            “Bathroom ceiling…”

“There goes your bad joke again” But he laughed. I couldn’t make my voice livelier, it remained monotone. “Are you okay?”

            “Yeah.” But I sobbed. Couldn’t help it.

            “Oh c’mon France! What’s wrong?”

            “Dane, can we meet after school? I need to tell you something.”

            “Uhm, okay. But can you give me a hint?”

            “Tomorrow.”

            “Why not now?”

            “Because why not?” he didn’t speak, “Dane, tomorrow. By 5PM at our school’s parking lot. Understood?”

            “Okay.”

“Yeah bye, see ya.”

So what to do? I told him to meet me yet my plan was all unsure. Unsure if I’ll tell him I love Jacey or unsure if I’ll let go of Jacey and just let Dane in my life? I’m not sure enough what to do.

The next day, I almost didn’t talk to my friends at school, I didn’t participate in class. And I’ve been so irritated, like the whole class was asking me why my eyes were like that. I ignored them all. Dismissals came and Dane was already parked there, at our meeting place.

            “What’s up?” he said as he handed me this bag of Mcdonalds, Cheese burger and fries plus a not so melted sundae.

            “Uhm, sky?” then I took the bag. “Thanks.”

I realized he’s using a pick-up truck now, not his Volvo.

            “How many cars do you have?” I said as I examined his car.

            “This is my dad’s, I just borrowed this since mine ran out of gas. I forgot.”

            “Oh.”

            “Same as yours right?”

            “Yeah.” Then we both hopped in; him at the driver’s seat, me at the passenger’s seat.

I breathed, ready to tell him about Jacey, about my confused feelings. Then he switched the car into drive.

            “Where are we going?”

            “Gonna look for some fresh air?”

I relaxed my back and ate the sundae, using the fries as my spoon. He brought me at the sea side. He parked his car with its back facing the sea. We sat behind the car. It’s sunset. I felt the cold breeze from the sea. It’s too relaxing I just want to sleep.

            “So, better than the parking lot?” He smiled.

            “Perfect.”

He’s looking straight at my eyes. Maybe he was thinking I’m going to say yes to him. I don’t want to hurt him.

            “So…?”

            “uhh, yeah. Right. How will I start…”

            “Sure, no rush.”

            “Okay Dane, I’m sorry.” The smile on his face faded.

            “Oh maybe I started it wrong but that’s not what I mean. I mean…” I said as I was looking at my hand crumpling the McDo paper bag. “I mean, I’m sorry because I lied to you. I really don’t want to hurt you but I guess I will, like, after a few minutes… I mean, I lied. In terms of… uhm, Damn I don’t know how will I..”

            “France, just say it straight, it’s going to be fine.” He smiled, I started to cry.

            “I’m in love with someone else. I’m in love with someone else Dane. I’m sorry! And sorry for myself too! Because the guy that I love never loved me back! Dane it hurts. I don’t know what I am doing. I feel like I’m using you every time I’m broken hearted because of that a*****e. Dane, I’m sorry. You should leave me.”

He tucked my hair behind my ears, wiped my tears, and held my face and he smiled at me.

            “I’m not gonna leave you. Not in this moment.”

I removed his hand, “But Dane, you’ll just get hurt. I love someone else. You’re just wasting your time on me!”

            “I am. I know. But I’m fine with that. I want to be the guy who’ll save you.”

            “But…”

            “No buts, I can wait France. If you love him, I’ll just be here, your crying shoulders every time he hurt you.”

            “So you mean, it’s okay with you?”

            “Of course, I can’t force you to love me back…”

            And that hit me, “And I can’t force him to love me back as well.”

He just stared at me, offering his handkerchief.

            “But Dane, I’m willing to forget him.”

            “You make decisions so fast; if you love him… stay with him.”

            “Maybe I like him just because I met him first before I met you…”

            “How’d you meet him?”

Then I told him the story; the first time I talked to him, the Perry the Platypus, the late night talks, the confession, the What Ifs, and about him crying at me because he got dumped. I realized, what’s happening to me was also happening to Dane.

            “That hurts. I feel it.”

            “I’m sorry…”

            “That guy who dumped you is like the stupidest person I’ve known. He missed a lot.”

            “He said he’ll never have me as his girlfriend since he just sees me as his f*****g sibling.”

            “Oh.” He laughed, I laughed.

            “Are you okay now?”

            “Kinda” then I inhaled deeply then exhaled. “Can we take a walk down there?”

            “Sure.”

I removed my shoes, and he did the same. We walked barefoot at the sand. It’s almost 6PM but the sun was still up. I walked at the side of the shore with the small waves touching my feet. It’s kind of freezing but it’s worth it. I can feel Dane, he’s just at my back. I love the feeling of being safe every time we’re together. I’ve been so stupid chasing that a*****e when someone here, at my back, is like an angel sent fro---

            “Take care…” Dane raised his voice, I slipped. He held my arms. I was looking up at him. He looked so perfect at that angle, his jaw lines, and his eyes being shine through by the light from the sun. He felt the awkwardness of me staring at him like that.

            “I’m sorry, kinda slippery at that part, don’t step there.”

            “I know.” Then his hand, from my arms, slipped down to my hand. He’s holding it so gently. He’s looking at me. I tried to walk away to lessen the awkwardness but he pulled me. He leaned over and our lips touched. It was freezing out there but my whole body felt hot as he pulled me closer and as he gripped on me tighter.

I feel safe, protected, and loved.