The Discovery

The Discovery

A Chapter by Jonathan Biswell

Some people are able to see and hear their parents when they are born others are not so lucky, some can see their parents but not able to hear them, other can hear but they can’t see. For as long as he can remember, he’s been babied all of his life choice made of him, what to eat, where he goes, the only time he can take care of himself is when he takes a shower.

 

“Justin, honey are you sure you are okay?” a voice coming through the pouring water

 

“Yeah mom I am fine” someone replied coming from the shower. Then he heard footsteps walking away from the door, next sound of curtains broke the silence in the bathroom.

 

The mirror is fogged up so a light hand with a towel wiped the mirror clean. The reflection of a seventeen year old boy, his eyes were a deep shade of brown, hair was a down to his shoulder and it is a deep shade of blonde, skin had a light tan, not a single hair on his body. The teenager got clean up, put on a grey t-shirt and some dark blue shorts from the towel lid. Next he head down the stairs but he place his left hand on the wall and his other hand on the rail. When he got to the bottom step he stop and sniff the air around him he smelled taco, rice, nacho cheese “Sweet taco night” the teen thought next he went to his left then he stop and went down a hall way. The heat form the kitchen was getting hotter than going into the kitchen.

 

“Justin I did not hear you come in” the same voice from earlier

 

Justin felt someone grad his hand and drag him somewhere then he felt someone bring him over to a chair and push him down. ”I wish she would stop treating me like a child I am seventeen for god sacks” Justin thought. A couple minutes later another person came in with the food the sound of plates hitting the table echo thought the room, when he set the plate down Justin went to reach one of the plates but he felt his mom smack his hand away.

 

“I already made you a plate for you” she explained while giving Justin his plate

 

As soon he got his plate he could feel no heat “Man I wish she would stop treating me like a helpless kid” Justin thought. Then he put the plate in front of him next he put his hand over his food, he felt no heat coming from it. ”Great cold tacos” Justin thought. Then he started eating. After five minutes of nothing but silverware hitting the plates,

 

“Mom, dad I want to go to public school high school this year” Justin getting enough courage to announce

 

“No Justin we talk about this if it was not for you’re…condition we would let you” his mother sounding firm still eating

 

“But mom I have never been outside of this house, also I never had a friend” getting upset with this mom and trying to prove a point

 

“Sorry but I am your mother and what I says go…” but she got cut off

 

“Sure you can go to public school” his dad stepping in

 

Justin and his mom both look at him with shock looks

 

“Wow dad thanks” yelling and running over to give him a hug while his mom was in shock that he did that. She wiped off her lip with a napkin then she put it back down

 

“Justin can you go back to you room I need to talk to your father alone” sounding annoyed , Justin looked at his mom then his dad after that he headed to the stairs but he stop half way and bucked down so he can hear his parents talk

 

“Matt why did you tell him that he can go to public school” trying to her voice down

 

“Cause this will be a good experience for him” Matt explaining picking up the plates and heading into the kitchen

 

“For what the other kid will see something is wrong with him” having a hard time controlling her voice following him

 

“Crystal you can’t keep him shelter he need to be able to leave the house sometimes and also he could use some sun he is pale as a ghost but all you see is a helpless kid” trying to calm her down as soon as he finish speaking she broke down into tears, Matt pulled her into a hug and tried to comfort her

 

“Besides I play golf with the principle of the high school i am sure I can pull a few string” reassuring her. Justin ran to his room and jumps into his bed grab the closet pillow and screamed into it “I can’t believe I am going to public school” Justin thought

 

Over the next few days his mom and him went shopping for school stuff like notebook, pens, pencils, paper and a backpack, he also had to get a walking stick to help him in the hallways. As soon as he got home Justin heard a second voice coming from the living room he grip onto his walking stick and headed to the kitchen when he got into the living room and heard the sound of glasses clinging.

 

“Hey there is my boy” his father yelled from the back of the living room. He let up on his grip on this stick, then he heard the sound of someone clearing him throat that made Justin jump in the air

 

“Oh I am sorry I did not mean to scare you” the voice announced

 

“Oh how rude of me I am the principle of Raven town high school Mr. Jonson” introducing himself

 

“Yeah I am Justin and I want to start attending your school” explaining

 

“Yeah I know I and you dad was talking about it for the last hour but I will need to pick out a escort for you I brought a list of students” placing the list in front of him.

 

The book felt like leather, was not too heavy he open the book and started flipping thought the page

 

“Our any of them in the same class as he I mean like for the whole year” he ask Mr. Jonson, he pulled the list back towards him and gave it a quick look over

 

“I think Noah does” replied Mr. Jonson tapping on his picture

 

“Okay he well is there anything I need to know about him” Justin asked

 

“Well he is the football all-star and he for the past two years he had a short fuse but he won’t tell anyone maybe cause of the big game in two weeks so I would watch out and not try to upset him” Mr. Jonson

 

“Joy I am going to be follows around the head jock and he has a short fuse joy” Justin thought thinking this might be a bad idea

 

“Okay I will be off I will see you tomorrow in my office and we will get everything set tomorrow” Mr. Jonson added then he walked out the door. For the rest of the day Justin been off the wall he been getting everything ready for tomorrow, when lunch time was here everyone ate in silence the only thing you could hear was the sound of forks hitting the plates until mom cleared her throat

 

“Now Justin I know tomorrow is a big day but if anything happens go to Mr. Jonson and call the house ASAP” sounding serious

 

“Okay mom chill I will” Justin replied

 

That night Justin had trouble sleeping that night he kept dreaming people making fun of him, teachers hating him, getting picked on, running into walls he woke up for the third time he tried for a fourth time that time he had a dreamless sleep. Around six his alarm woke him and he hop out of bed and ran straight into his bathroom and started getting clean upped. He brushed his teeth, took a shower, comb his hair. He head back into his room to get some cloths, he put on a skin tight shirt with a different kind of animal paws, he put on a pair of skinny jeans then he headed out the stairs and went to the kitchen there was coffee in the air with a hint of his mom perfume 

 

“Oh hey mom I did not know you was up” he announced

 

She took a sip of coffee and looked at Justin

 

“Oh Justin I did not hear you wake up” sounding tired

 

“Wow mom was you up all night” getting down a bowl from the cabinet

 

“Yeah all I have to say is whoever invented coffee and make up thank god” she replied

 

Justin made him a bowl of cereal and sat right next to his mother

 

“Justin I am going to get ready it should only take about 15 minute” leaving the kitchen

 

After he finishes eating he put his bowl in the sink then he grad his stuff he prepared last night and went to the living room and waited for his mom.

 

He heard his mom coming down the stairs

 

“Are you ready” she asked

 

He nodded then he grad his stick and they both head to the car, while his mom was driving Justin was taking a little nap which was about ten minutes then he felt someone pushing against his shoulders.

 

“We are here” Crystal whispering in her ears, Justin just smiled then unfolds his walking stick and got out

 

He tap the ground with his stick and when he got to the door he slammed right into someone which cause his stick to go flying in a different direction

 

“Watch the hell you are going dipshit” someone yelled

 

Justin felt someone’s hands on his shirt collar and raise him off the ground

                  

“Maybe I need to teach you some manners” the voice yelled again

 

“Hey Jeff” a different voice yelled out but this one was different it was female

 

“Just because you did not get laid last night does not give you the reason to beat the s**t out of the first person you see” the voice added

 

Justin felt the fist let him go and he went plumed to the ground then he felt around the ground looking for his stick

 

“Dude what the hell are you doing are you blind or something” the first voice yelled

 

“Why yes I am” Justin replied



© 2013 Jonathan Biswell


Author's Note

Jonathan Biswell
Let me know what you think, any ideas you have that will make it better let me know

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I love the idea! You've got some good tension built in there already too! I'm definitely getting invested in the character and the plot is moving right along.

Disclaimer: I'm about to go into editor mode, but you need to know that I don't waste my time breaking these things down unless I really see potential. That being said, try and stay on an objective level with me while I go through the points. I want to help you make this story awesome! Ready? Here goes.

With dialogue, you only have to specify who is speaking or what their intent is when you think it won't be clear. There are a few places here where you could drop everything after the quotes. For instance, when he introduces himself to the principal you don't need the word "explaining."

That ties into point number two: show, don't tell. That's the best rule I've learned yet (aside from read as much as you can). For example, when he's dreaming, don't tell us that he dreamed about being picked on or his teachers hating him, instead describe the dream. Say in his dream he was walking down the hall of his new school and maybe heard kids whispering and laughing at him for having that stick. Have him try to answer a question or maybe just talk to a teacher and them snap at him that he's being dumb or sighing and muttering something about baby sitting the blind kid. Images and flashes of conversation like that will make us feel the statements, and that stays with the reader.

Other than that, a little proof reading would get rid of those grammar issues. And while you're at it, try to listen to the conversation your describing. Would the character really sound like that? Would they really say that? This is kinda advanced stuff, but I think you can manage it. You've already got a pretty good sense of the main characters mindset, just apply that to say the principal and his mom as well. For example, the principal would probably include some positive characteristic about the jock to balance out the "short fuse" comment. Also, watch for formality. Such as using "can not" where "can't" would sound more natural.

I love how you defused the situation at the end there. I thought Jeff was a little quick to just grab this new kid, but maybe that's just how he is. The girl though, she was brilliant and believable at the same time. Nice work!

I'll definitely be following this story as it develops! Though I hope you'll forgive me if I'm a little slow about it.

I can't wait to see where you take this!

Posted 11 Years Ago


Despite the errors in grammar, this is quite nice~ I never once was bored~ I could successfuly put together the character's personalities right away, and picture everything perfectly~ A little note; I love that you gave him deep brown eyes--I'm a fan of dark eyes. All you needed to do was clean up the grammar mistakes. Good job~

Posted 12 Years Ago


PLEASE CONTINUE, i thought this was a great start.
A few suggestions * Spell check* and, a few things need editing,







Posted 12 Years Ago


It's really good so far, please continue .
If you need some one to edit (spell check and grammar) for you, I could.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on November 10, 2011
Last Updated on February 22, 2013
Tags: high school, love, gay


Author

Jonathan Biswell
Jonathan Biswell

Shepherdville , KY



About
A novice writer who still has a lot of work to do, I do write guy x guy, yoai, boy love story whatever you want to call it, but I do keep it descent but I will write little teaser in there. I know my .. more..

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