Chapter 40

If only this darkness could be death�"so peaceful and so quiet. Nothing could take it away from me. Although, I knew that I was still alive�"I hated that fact. I woke up to see four silver eyes staring at me. Justin sat in a chair next to my bed and Phoenix sat next to him with his head rested on Justin’s shoulder.

                “He’s awake.” Justin expressed happily, “it’s only been about three days.”

                What was with that? I seem to black out for three days when something horrible goes wrong. A fierce pain was in the pit of my stomach. It felt as if a fire-breathing dragon was trying to escape from the bowels of my stomach.  I brought my knees up to my chest and sobbed into them. This was worse than anything I’d had to endure. Plus there was no alcohol anywhere in my house. I had made a stupid promise. Why did I ever promise to let him go? Justin’s hand moved to my hair. Quickly my hand snapped to his and broke the wrist in one try. He yelped in pain. To my amazement my powers were back. His eyes lit and fixed the pain in his wrist. He rubbed at the appendage and glared at me, “I’m only trying to help.”

“I’d rather see you burn and die first.” I sniffed loudly and continued to sob my feelings out. I didn’t care what he was trying to do. He ruined my life and lied to me in the process. Everything from the tips of my hair to the bottom of my toes was in pain. It was nothing like I ever experienced before. Not even close to the time when Phoenix came to dinner. This was incredible. No matter how much I tightened into a ball nothing seemed to go away. My throat opened up and I screamed into the pillow hoping that somehow that would make the pain go away.  My hand punched the head board above me until I couldn’t stand it. I ripped it off the foundation of the bed and threw it across the room. The bed fell over and slid me into the wall. My body again curled together and all the blankets and pillows covered me.

                Phoenix reached in to grab me but I pushed his hand away. This was the most alone I’d been the past few days. The soft pillows touched every inch of my skin and I imagined it being Rylan. That soothed me enough to sleep. I didn’t dream … I think. It was just a dark room that I stood in and stared all around me. As I looked down I realized that it wasn’t a dark room I was in, it was space. A chill ran up my neck as I looked down on earth. The small marble looking sphere started to spin around a little more quickly than I thought it could. It spun faster and faster. I didn’t try to actually do anything. I couldn’t have cared less if everyone was spinning off the earth’s axle and being shot off into space. It was because of them that I had lost the love of my life.

                The winding ball below came to a sudden halt. North America sat perfectly in my view and my body began to slowly move toward it. I tried to pull away. I didn’t want to go back. But gravity continued to force me faster into the marble. My vision blurred as I became a giant fireball falling towards earth. Except, I wasn’t heading towards Miami; Instead I was going straight to the northwest. Seconds before I hit I jumped in the bed and woke myself up. Where was I going? I thought to myself. I had this feeling that I needed to find it. I threw the pillows off of me and stood up. Phoenix and Justin were asleep in their chairs. Jo and Ryder sat in some chairs from the kitchen and watched me.

Their eyes lit up when I stood on the tilted bed, hoping that maybe I’d gotten over the death of my husband�"fat chance. I stared at them for a moment and then the feeling returned. I had to get out of here. I had to free my wings and find myself again. I hopped off the bed and walked into my closet. I began filling up some bags that Rylan and I had bought for travelling. Jo stuck her head in to the closet, “uh, what’re you doing?”

                “Leaving,” I snapped at her. I didn’t have time for small talk�"especially with her.

                “If this is because Ryder and I are here we can leave.”

                I looked at her and I could see how much she wanted to help, but no one would understand. “It’s not because of you at all sweets.” I tried to make her feel a little better.  No matter how bad she hurt me I couldn’t do anything to harm her. I was just too nice.“I just need to get out.”

                “Well, let us take you.”

                I sat my bag down and walked over to her. Her blue eyes followed me until I was a few inches in front of her. My large arms wrapped around her tiny body. “You can’t always protect me. I need to do things on my own sometimes.”

                She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed tight. “Where are you going?”

                I shrugged and pushed her away. “Somewhere northwest, I’ve never been there.”

                She looked up at me, “That’s wonderful. Ryder and I need to be over there soon, we’ll drive with you.”

                I turned and walked back to the suitcase. “I’m taking the bike.”

                “Where will you put your bags?” She was right. If I took Rylan’s bullet bike I would have nowhere to put my bags. “We’ll make a trip of it.  You can ride the bike and we’ll carry your bags. Phoenix and Justin are coming with us. Also I heard that Jazz would like to come.”

                Jazz, she was the only person in this world that I wasn’t mad at. She’s the only one that has never lied to me. “I’m ready now.”

                Jo lit up. “We can be too!” She was too happy about this little cross country road trip. I was told that Rylan’s body had been returned to his family on his Island. I wouldn’t see him again.

Before I knew it everyone was hustling around trying to get everything ready. They hardly noticed when I returned to the closet. I closed the door behind me and walked in solemnly. My nose sniffed at the air and it caught the scent of Rain and Ocean-- Rylan. My hands ran heartbroken through the different fabrics that once touched Rylan’s body. I stopped when I got to his favorite leather jacket. Every time he rode the bike he would wear this jacket. Carefully I pulled it off the hanger and slid it over my shoulders. The aroma of Rylan filled my nostrils. I crumpled to the floor. I pulled the large jacket tighter around me and tried to relax. It didn’t help. Sobs again came through my broken body. My heart throbbed with pain and I wrapped the leather tighter and tighter around me. I couldn’t actually believe he was gone�"or that I allowed it. In that moment I hated myself I couldn’t stand to even be in my own skin.  I flicked my powers on. Shiloh would’ve been able to help Rylan, but where was he? I couldn’t concentrate long enough to save the love of my life. Tears warmed my cold cheeks and my eyes puffed up skewing my vision.

                Someone twisted at the door knob and my hopes rose. Rylan would’ve known I’d be here. But instead a tiny crying Jazz hopped in. She didn’t notice me. Instead she slammed the door and started to cry. Her head leaned against the wood blocking us out from the real world and then she slid down to the floor. Her arms wrapped around her torso and she spun to sit against the door and realized what she just walked into. “I’ll leave.” She started to get up and I put my hand up.

                She sunk back into the ground, “Stay.” So she did. We both sat there silently crying to ourselves. I really didn’t know why she was crying but it was nice to have someone at least feeling the same as me. My tears slowed and I sat up a little more. I leaned over to Jazz, “Are you alright?”

                Her red eyes looked up to me, “I will be.”

                “What’s wrong?”

                She smiled, “You don’t want to be listening to my problems you have bigger ones yourself.”

                I held out my hand and she scooted closer, “I want to hear.” When she reached my hand I pulled her into my side and my arm wrapped around her body.

“Really?” she asked and I nodded for her to continue. “I hate this world,” she hissed between her teeth and tears again bubbled up in her eyes. “I’m upset because I lost my brother and my father. No one out there seems to care. Phoenix and Justin are happy to be going back to the coast. Ryder and Jo are still celebrating their engagement. I lost my brother. If you saw Tex, you would be as angry as I am. He can hardly get up and do anything. Zane was his twin brother and no one seems to care what he is feeling. It’s not that I’m mad that they’re here. You need support too. It’s just... they haven’t even called to see if he is alright. Then when I came here I saw that they weren’t even helping you out.”

                “I don’t want them here if that makes you feel any better.” She smiled sheepishly up to me.

                “I’m sorry about Rylan. I know it must hurt a whole lot.”

                I smiled at her, “It sure does, and I’m sorry about Zane. I know you loved him.”

The tears on her cheek seemed to evaporate and I turned toward her. “I’m glad you’re more human than the rest of your family.” I put my hands on either side of her face to make a point and I looked down on her. Her silver pools looked up at me with such confidence and love. She slowly licked her lips. My face moved closer into hers. Her hands wrapped around my elbows as we moved closer and closer. When we were inches apart I tilted my head to the right and pushed our lips together�"nothing.

                We both pulled away and laughed, “I am so gay.”We both laughed, “it was worth a shot though, right?”  I chuckled and she stood up.

                “That was a weird experience.” She laughed too, and the pain again seeped into her face.

                “There’s something I have to do before we leave.” I looked at her and took her hand. “Let’s sneak out.”

                I grabbed another one of Rylan’s jackets and wrapped it around me, then placed the leather jacket back on me. It was foggy and rainy outside as we jumped off the balcony.  Together we snuck into the garage and walked toward the bike. Above us we could hear the roar of laughter and celebration happening in the kitchen. I snorted in disgust at the noise and kept moving. All my bags had been placed in the Oreson’s cars so there was nothing on the bike. My hand held Jazz’s as she got onto the back of the bike. I kicked the stand out from underneath us and began to back up the bike without making a noise. When I got us turned around I started the engine. With a snap and a crack it was going.               

                The four from the kitchen ran out to the steps and yelled as I screeched the engine. My foot shifted gears and Jazz and I shot off. Phoenix and Justin ran after us and got into their car. Jazz’s arms wrapped around me tightly and it wasn’t like she was just trying to hold onto me for safety. I think it was more a hug than anything.

I rode the bike back and forth on the coastal road until I got to the Oreson’s street.  As we pulled up we could see the house was dark. I shut the bike off and let the kick stand go. I helped Jazz off the bike and she led me up to the front door. She pushed the large wood panels open and walked through. The first thing I saw was Eileen on the couch with a box of tissues. Her eyes were red rimmed and she was still in her pajamas. Her bloodshot eyes looked up at me and filled with sympathy. I didn’t want that. She had also lost the man that she loved. Immediately I walked over to her and sat on the couch. My arms pulled her into me carefully and let her cry on my shoulder. I hadn’t even thought about Eileen after Rylan’s death. She was going through the exact same thing.

                “It’s good to see you.” She whispered, “I’m glad you’re doing better.”

                I pulled us apart and looked at her. “I’m not and either are you. Come with us.” She looked carefully up at me.

                “No, I’m too old for that. You young kids go out and have a good time.”

                Jazz whined behind me. “Please mom? It will make me feel so much better.”

                Eileen thought about it a moment and Tex came around the corner. My body picked up off the couch and fear came in his eyes as I quickly walked toward him. He backed up when I stuck my hand out but I caught him before he could run. I wrapped my arms around his shaking waist and pulled him into me. “I’m sorry.” I whispered into this ear, “I should’ve been here sooner but I was being selfish.” I had a strange pull to these three Oreson’s in the room. The three of them only wanted the best for me and I loved that about them. Now they needed my help. So I had to shove my pain into the back of my mind and help them.

Tex’s arms came up around my neck and he let himself go. I supported his weight as he finally came loose. Tex and Zane although different, were best friends. They had been together since conception. They had gone through everything together. Now Zane went somewhere Tex couldn’t follow. His body trembled in my grip but I kept him sturdy as he poured out his emotions. The other Oresons poured into the room now and they looked at the scene. Phoenix spoke loudly, “Tex what’s wrong.”

                “Go to hell Phoenix.” Tex shouted at him. Go Tex! His arms just stayed wrapped around my neck.

                “Come with us,” I whispered now to Tex. “You can drive with your mom and Jazz.” I needed to get everyone out of Miami. In fact I never wanted to come back to Miami I had finally had it.

                My plan worked. Before I knew it I was again on the bike heading west. This time I rode all alone. It was nice to feel the wind whip in my unruly hair and the rain cut at my skin. I topped the bike at 90 miles an hour I moved my hips and turned the bike between the cars on the freeway. The cars following me tried to keep up, and they did for about two days. Tex and Jazz stayed with me in the hotel rooms when we stopped, and sometimes would ride with me on the bike.

                After about two days we finally got to the west we decided to take a stop in Oregon. Somehow I felt that this is where I needed to be. The clouds hung over the freeway very low as we drove through the different passes. The trees blocked off our view of everything around us. The smell of the ocean was once again surrounding me and filling my body. The Oresons drove off the off ramp and headed towards a rest stop. I pulled my bike and parked on the other side of the lot. Finally everything became too much. I sunk my head and slid off the black helmet. There was rain pattering on the back of my neck. I wasn’t used to this cold that froze the top of my ears, so I tightened Rylan’s leather jacket around my body.

I put the helmet on the bike and slid the keys from the ignition. My head sunk lower and held my body up on the handlebars. “This is all too much.” I whispered out loud trying to finally confess it to myself.

                “I know.” Rylan’s voice sounded perfectly clear behind me. My head flew up and I looked around. “But you can do it.” He was nowhere that I could see him. I knew that it was just me, but his voice gave me inspiration.

                I stepped up and swung my leg over the bike, “I need to be alone.”

                “Then go.” He answered back. I wanted him to keep talking.

                “I can’t leave them.” There was nothing, “I have to help them.”

                “Go,” was all he said. I stopped for a minute and grabbed the cell phone in my pocket. His voice would be on the answering machine. I dialed our number and let it ring until the message machine appeared. Little did I know, Rylan had changed the message on the answering service. “Shi, I have a feeling you won’t be seeing much of me after this night. So I just wanted to tell you that I love you and you need to keep moving. You need to just go.” I didn’t listen to the rest of the message. I had my answer.

                My leg swung over the black hunk of metal. My head looked up to see Jazz and Tex walking toward me. They were laughing about something and Tex had his arm around Jazz. He was squeezing her tightly to his side. They stopped when they caught me watching them. They looked at each other and then back at me. My hand slid the key back into the ignition. I looked around. Phoenix had Justin in his arms and they were leaning against their car. Eileen was talking to Ryder who was holding Jo in his arms also. Pain feathered through my veins as I saw the happiness on their faces. I wanted to curl up on the ground and not move, but I didn’t have an option anymore�"Rylan had told me to keep moving.

                My head tilted back to Jazz and Tex, who were still watching my every move. Jazz wrapped her arms tighter around Tex and she nodded at me. She was giving me permission to leave. That’s all I needed she and Tex would be alright. My job was done. I now had to go find myself. The dark helmet slid over my head easily and I took a deep breath. My wrist turned and the bike snapped to life. Everyone’s head turned to me and all their eyes were soon filled with panic as they watched me twist the clutch and drive off. My foot shifted gears and I flew past Phoenix who was leaping for the car. The bike whizzed past the trees surrounding the highway and I turned in and out of all the cars lining the dark road.

It only took seconds for Phoenix to be right behind me. His white car pulled up inches from my back tire. He was the last person I wanted following me. My eyes illuminated and I let myself go. My knees gripped the bike below and silver shot out from under me. I blocked my mind so that Phoenix wouldn’t find me as long as no one saw me. I knew it wouldn’t be long with what I was planning. The bike blew by a sign that said “Welcome to Lincoln City.” This was it. This was where I was supposed to be. Some unidentified force kept pulling me here, and now that I was something seemed to just fit right.

The bike turned off when I got to the beach. I parked in between two yellow lines and kicked my leg over the dark automobile. I took the keys out of the ignition, and placed my helmet on the bike.

                My shoes crunched into the sand as I started walking for the unruly water. My shoes kicked off somewhere on the beach and I started to shed clothing. People looked at me strangely. The temperature was only about sixty degrees. A line of clothes spread across the dark sand below my feet and I walked to the edge of the foamy waves.  Sea weed lined the edge of the water where the waves would wash up. I stepped over a few of the strands and the waves curled up around my ankles. They immediately numbed in the freezing water. My jeans were the only piece of clothing that I had left. I took a deep salt filled breath and walked further into the waves.

                The water rose up around my knees and the sand below pulled out from under my feet, but I kept walking. Soon the freezing water was up around my chest and my whole body was going numb except for the burning pain in my chest. I took one last deep breath and plunged forward into the wave break. The waves pushed my body out further into the frozen ocean. My hair rubbed softly across my forehead as I tumbled around the frozen whirlwind.

                Images began to appear in front of me and Clair de Lune played loudly in my head. Ever since the death of Rylan that song had played multiple times in my mind. My body whipped around like the pianist fingers on the white ivory keys. The images flew past my mind. The first image was of my mother, the way her sweet pale face would look at me with such pride and love. It was from my childhood she never looked at me like that as I got older.  Her beautiful blue eyes looked down on me and her soft hand rubbed the top of my head. She parted her raspberry lips to expose a beautiful smile filled with white teeth. Her thin arms picked my small body up and squeezed me into her chest. Her fingers still continued to run through my hair. The feeling of love soared through me. The image disappeared and was replaced with her dead body lying on the surgery table. Her skin was so cold and she took on a bluish color. The blood ran from out of her mouth and from the large incision down her torso, exposing more than just a beat up body. Her thin hair was caked in blood and sprawled out on the large metal table. I remembered the pain of letting her go and how I ran and ran. I wanted to do that again.

My father’s face came into view it was so happy and bright as he and my mother stared into each other’s eyes. He held onto her body with such delicacy as if he would break her. They were swaying to the music playing in my head and my mom tilted her head onto his chest. His face was bright and happy and he was the man of the house that he was supposed to be. My eyes shifted and the whole scene changed. My hands now force fed my father’s dying body. The slime that I had to shove down his throat smelt rotten and disgusting. The spoon dug at the goo in the white bowl. His lips slowly closed over the medal spoon and downed the healthy load. The second his lips left the spoon the image of his dead body on his gurney came in sight. It was all too familiar. My hands held his hard and frozen fingers, with every stroke it grew harder and harder for me to breath. I began to realize that it wasn’t the image making my breath become short. My human body was now giving up. Water began to slowly fill my lungs and I felt them tug and burn at the pain. At any minute I could flick my powers on and the water would float away like nothing happened, but would I do that? Could I actually make myself do that?

Rylan’s eyes stared at me as I lay in bed. They’re so warm and compassionate. Just like him. Everything I ever wanted and needed was in him. His beautiful tan skin reflected perfectly in the morning light. His muscular Pecs were strained as he leaned on his elbow, watching me. My hands slid across his chest and he pulled me closer into him. This was a wonderful morning we spent after the death of my father. We woke up to find we had all the free time in the world now. Our arms wrapped tightly around each other. My head sunk into his neck when suddenly his body turned cold. There I was holding the dead limp body of the love of my life. In my mind I wanted to look away. To not watch these scenes play over and over in my mind. I looked up to see all familiar faces watching me. Pain steamed through me coming from my chest. We were in dirt. As I looked up I realized it was a perfect rectangle. I was in a grave. Rylan sat perfectly still in the nice suit that he was to be buried in. Tears appeared on my cheek as I set him lower into the ground. Without warning his eyes flew open and his arm caught my elbows. He pinched them hard enough to bring pain to me. The grey smoky eyes stared up at the sky and then slowly rolled down to me. I froze, literally. It felt like someone had dumped ice down the back of my shirt, and I began to shake uncontrollably.

Slowly I came back to consciousness and realized what was going on. Someone had pulled me out the ocean and had drug me up onto the sand. The spiky pieces of rock stabbed at my frozen back. Water dripped from my long hair onto my face. There was a whole group around me that was in a panic. Most everyone was screaming for help and to call an ambulance. That wouldn’t be needed. The water vibrated in my lungs as people tried to shake me back to life. I had a choice now. I could let the darkness take over or activate my powers and save my life. No one normally ever had this choice. It was usually left up to somebody else, but I wasn’t normal.

I wanted to be dead. I wanted to be able to see Rylan again. I may have promised to let him go but I never promised not to follow him. As I thought about my options time grew shorter. I felt my new awake feeling slowly slipping away.

                The Oresons could be heard clearly around me, trying to get their powers to work on me. I wasn’t allowing that. Jazz yelled to Tex. “Get out of the way.”

A new body was soon next to me, trying to get me warm again. “Someone needs to give him mouth to mouth.” A lady in the crowd spoke loudly.

                I knew in that moment exactly who would. Phoenix’s warm hands went to my nose pinching the bridge shut, and to the bottom of my chin. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. I felt his body slowly coming closer to mine and I thought about this. Phoenix’s lips would again be touching mine. I now had no option, death couldn’t come now. Just as he was about to press his lips into mine flames flew from my chest turning me into a giant flame ball. Phoenix screeched and my hands went to his chest pushing him into the crowd behind him. Those people also screeched. The water evaporated into nothing and I was completely fine. I leapt up onto my feet, still a glowing flame ball, and found myself in a circle of about a hundred people.  My hand stuck out ready to attack anyone who dared come near me. My eyes looked at the faces of the shocked humans and I spun around until I saw the whole Oreson clan.

                Each pair of silver eyes stared at me, waiting. I was bound to do something and they would be ready. Phoenix brushed sand off his bare chest. I looked to see that he and Tex were both covered in frozen sea water. I wonder who got there first. Tex winked at me�"it was him. Slowly the flames surrounding me were put out by my own will and I stood up straight and let the people gawk. I don’t think they’d ever seen a real Hero before, and now some of the most famous ones were standing in front of them. My once secret identity was completely obliterated at the Hero ball. Everyone knew exactly who I was now Phoenix Oreson’s old lover�"now the late Ryszard Khtulu’s widower. Phoenix walked up to me with a glare on his face.  He shoved past me and moved to Justin’s waiting arms. I glared at them both. I was internally cursing their happiness.

Tex stepped up, “Alright people, there’s nothing to see. You can all go about your business.” His body was dripping in sea water and his pants were soaking wet. Jazz stood behind him next to her mother. They both just watched me carefully. Tex began to herd the people away from us and Jazz walked up to us.

                “I knew you wouldn’t go.” She whispered to me. My arms wrapped around her shoulders and I pulled her warm body in close. It was nice to have at least one person who actually cared. Eileen arms wrapped around my torso and she pulled me close into her, alright maybe two. I breathed in the ocean and imagined Rylan was the one with his arms around me.

                “What the hell were you thinking?” Phoenix snapped when everyone was gone, breaking my deep concentration.

                My eyes slit open and I stared at him. His bloodshot eyes pierced through me. “I was thinking that I want to be with the one that I love.”

“That’s stupid.”

                I sighed, “I’m sure you didn’t think so when I did it for you.”

                His eyes got wide, “What?”

                My eyes just shot into his. In my mind I replayed that whole scene. Rylan holding my completely broken body close to his chest, how little I knew then. Tex returned to me with my dry clothes that were covered in sand. I thanked him and started to redress. “When are you leaving?” I asked dryly.

                “We aren’t now,” Phoenix sneered.

                I put my hand to my chest in a cheesy way to try and please him. “Please don’t stay on my account,” I heaved back in a sarcastic tone.

                I hadn’t had this much hate filled inside of me in a long time and it was beginning to scare me. What would Rylan think? I knew quite well that he wouldn’t approve. “We’re going to leave when you’re ready.” Jazz spoke softly under my now covered arm.

                “You are talking like I’m coming.”

                Phoenix blurted, “Unfortunately, you are.”

                My eyes shot around to all of them. They were watching my reaction. I was going, but where? I began to back away. I wasn’t going anywhere against my own free will. Phoenix stepped forward with pleading eyes. It was a complete mood swing “You’ll find your rest there.” He said like he came straight from some medieval adventure book.

I gauged the faces of everyone standing on the beach. Each pair of eyes pleaded with me, and then I noticed. “Where’s Jo?”

                They all looked at each other. Tex spoke, “She’s with Ryder.”

                “And where is he?”

                Again all their faces met each other searching for some type of an answer. “They’re meeting us where we need to be.”      

                “And that is?” No one was actually giving me answers and it was starting to get on my nerves.

                “We can go right now if you’d like.” Phoenix’s tone had softened in the topic change.

                “No,” I was now turning defensive.

                Tex put his hand on my shoulder, “its fine.”

                I opened my mouth to protest but different words came from the traitor planted on my face between two frozen lips. “I want to fly.”

                That was weird. I actually hated flying not under my own free will. “I think we can do that.” Phoenix looked around and tried to remember everyone’s powers.

                “In a plane,” I answered carefully.

                The entire group’s eyebrow burrowed as they tried to read my mind. Too bad for them they couldn’t. “You really want to go in a plane?” Eileen spoke this time. I hadn’t heard her soft voice since we left home. 

                I nodded for an answer, a plane. I’d never actually flown anywhere. My father never took us on vacations far enough to fly. If we went too far we drove the old station wagon. I actually hardly ever left the city. So for me to want to fly was not only strange to the Oresons it was strange to me also. What was happening to me? I began to realize that without Rylan I didn’t really know who I was.