My first attempt in writing an Octelle. Thanks to Stargazer's "40 years" as my inspiration.
Flick a flack
fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then
Each drop always soothes my palm
Italways makes me so calm
Ah! I love to hear it sing
It touches me with its ring
Flick a flack fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then.
The Octelle is a poem consisting of eight lines using personification and symbolism in a telling manner. The syllable count structure for this verse is 8, 8, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, and the rhyme scheme is aa/bb/cc/aa. The first two lines and the last two lines are identical.
Credits to: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/octelle.html
My Review
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OCTELLE. It's my first time to encounter such term. It sounds so new. I have not encountered any classical work which follows the conventions you've mentioned for this type of poetry. What I know is that a poem with eight lines is called an OCTAVE. Well, the fast-changing literary world sometimes really surprises us with new literary forms, genres, tenets, and conventions.
I will be basing my review primarily on the author's note you've provided.
The structure of your poem, I must say, is perfectly following an "octelle's" conventional rhyme scheme, meter, and similarity of the first and final couplets.
However, since you've mentioned that an "octelle" should make use of personifications (attributions of human qualities to objects or abstract notions) and symbols, I must say that these literary devices are what the poem lacks.
Which parts of the poem contain personification? It is only the fifth line which gives a human quality to the rain (Ah! I love to hear it sing). Rain, being an inanimate object, is personified there by giving it the human quality of having the ability to sing. Other than that line, I see no more personification.
Where do I find symbolism there? Which part of the poem symbolizes what? What I perceive is nothing but a superficial presentation of how the sound of the rain triggers the poetic persona to write.
Furthermore, the onomatopoeic use of the term "ticktack" isn't much effective in letting me perceive the sound of the rain. To me, it sounds more like the ticking of the clock. Droplets of water may also be a close reference to that sound. If it not for the title, I wouldn't have thought that you were referring to the rain.
There is also a slight lapse in terms of the subject-verb agreement in the fouth line (It always make me so calm). Add -s to the word "make".
Dhaye, thank you for introducing us to this new kind of poetry type.
Thank you so much, Sir Joe. It's not surprising that in a concise piece I have posted, you can make .. read moreThank you so much, Sir Joe. It's not surprising that in a concise piece I have posted, you can make a "kilometer" of review comment. LOL
Anyway, since you mentioned the lapses of this simple poem which is made just for fun (I have read Stargazer's piece and I was motivated to make one), I will try to improve it the best way I can but please make it sure you will help me by checking this revised one:
"Flick a flack fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then
Each drop always soothes my palm
It always makes me so calm
Ah! I love to hear it sing
It touches me with its ring
Flick a flack fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then."
Hope you'll stay generous in giving advices and helps just like before. =)
BTW... the rain itself is a symbolism of a "healing touch" because someone has told me that the rain is good and it heals... Could it be possible now with my new version?
10 Years Ago
Thanks for the response, Dhaye. Uhmm why don't you just replace the onomatopoeic element with anothe.. read moreThanks for the response, Dhaye. Uhmm why don't you just replace the onomatopoeic element with another literary device. Perhaps other figures of speech may do the better work. I believe others also find it difficult to think of words that perfectly imitate the sound of the rain.
Also, you may work on giving human qualities to the rain since you've said that it should contain personifications.
I won't suggest lines to be included because I want you to take the full credit of the words used in crafting the piece. =)
10 Years Ago
I think lines "Each drop always soothes my palm" and "It touches me with its ring" show personifica.. read moreI think lines "Each drop always soothes my palm" and "It touches me with its ring" show personification already. You can also see the example given in this page/link:
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/octelle.html
But I will still think of lines which will replace the 1st and the 7th lines. And I think I should do it tomorrow morning since it's late at night now. Good night and thank you.
OCTELLE. It's my first time to encounter such term. It sounds so new. I have not encountered any classical work which follows the conventions you've mentioned for this type of poetry. What I know is that a poem with eight lines is called an OCTAVE. Well, the fast-changing literary world sometimes really surprises us with new literary forms, genres, tenets, and conventions.
I will be basing my review primarily on the author's note you've provided.
The structure of your poem, I must say, is perfectly following an "octelle's" conventional rhyme scheme, meter, and similarity of the first and final couplets.
However, since you've mentioned that an "octelle" should make use of personifications (attributions of human qualities to objects or abstract notions) and symbols, I must say that these literary devices are what the poem lacks.
Which parts of the poem contain personification? It is only the fifth line which gives a human quality to the rain (Ah! I love to hear it sing). Rain, being an inanimate object, is personified there by giving it the human quality of having the ability to sing. Other than that line, I see no more personification.
Where do I find symbolism there? Which part of the poem symbolizes what? What I perceive is nothing but a superficial presentation of how the sound of the rain triggers the poetic persona to write.
Furthermore, the onomatopoeic use of the term "ticktack" isn't much effective in letting me perceive the sound of the rain. To me, it sounds more like the ticking of the clock. Droplets of water may also be a close reference to that sound. If it not for the title, I wouldn't have thought that you were referring to the rain.
There is also a slight lapse in terms of the subject-verb agreement in the fouth line (It always make me so calm). Add -s to the word "make".
Dhaye, thank you for introducing us to this new kind of poetry type.
Thank you so much, Sir Joe. It's not surprising that in a concise piece I have posted, you can make .. read moreThank you so much, Sir Joe. It's not surprising that in a concise piece I have posted, you can make a "kilometer" of review comment. LOL
Anyway, since you mentioned the lapses of this simple poem which is made just for fun (I have read Stargazer's piece and I was motivated to make one), I will try to improve it the best way I can but please make it sure you will help me by checking this revised one:
"Flick a flack fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then
Each drop always soothes my palm
It always makes me so calm
Ah! I love to hear it sing
It touches me with its ring
Flick a flack fleck- that sound again
Makes me smile every now and then."
Hope you'll stay generous in giving advices and helps just like before. =)
BTW... the rain itself is a symbolism of a "healing touch" because someone has told me that the rain is good and it heals... Could it be possible now with my new version?
10 Years Ago
Thanks for the response, Dhaye. Uhmm why don't you just replace the onomatopoeic element with anothe.. read moreThanks for the response, Dhaye. Uhmm why don't you just replace the onomatopoeic element with another literary device. Perhaps other figures of speech may do the better work. I believe others also find it difficult to think of words that perfectly imitate the sound of the rain.
Also, you may work on giving human qualities to the rain since you've said that it should contain personifications.
I won't suggest lines to be included because I want you to take the full credit of the words used in crafting the piece. =)
10 Years Ago
I think lines "Each drop always soothes my palm" and "It touches me with its ring" show personifica.. read moreI think lines "Each drop always soothes my palm" and "It touches me with its ring" show personification already. You can also see the example given in this page/link:
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/octelle.html
But I will still think of lines which will replace the 1st and the 7th lines. And I think I should do it tomorrow morning since it's late at night now. Good night and thank you.
Fun read Dhaye...and I learn'd a new form of poetry, you did good!
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Wow! Thanks for dropping by, Frieda. =)
10 Years Ago
I don't do very well with structured pieces, always amazed when people bang them out! My pleasure. .. read moreI don't do very well with structured pieces, always amazed when people bang them out! My pleasure. :-)
Hello! I am Dhaye, a public secondary school teacher, a passionate artist "married" to her dream.
I write in different perspectives. So please know NOT all my works are about me.
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