The Old Me

She keeps trying to break through.

The old me

Keeps trying to reach the surface

As much as she claws and bats at me

I keep my hand on her head

Shoving her deep inside the ocean of me

She'll get lost floating out at sea

My seas of dreams and lost loves

My seas of demons and lost hopes

The old me

Just can't seem to take the hint

I try to pipe her down

With just one hit

Emotions flood my head all day

Wondering if I'll ever get my way

I keep fighting her

But she keeps fighting back

Pound, pound, pound

She keeps trying to escape

"I want out! Please!

I promise I'll behave!"

The old me

It's the attention and misbehavior she craves

"LEAVE ME ALONE!

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!"

When she was surfaced

I was in a bubble

She kept me hidden

And kept getting me trapped

Do I have to keep rhyming?
It’s getting pretty tiring.

I guess I'll keep going, 

Might as well keep the rhythm flowing

The old me

Keeps trying to hurt me

She’ll get me put behind bars

“STOP IT, PRINCESS

OR I’LL MAKE YOU SEE STARS!”

I’ll scream at the old me

Trying to reach the surface

But I push her back down

Trying to make her drown

She’ll look at me with a frown

And I’ll scowl back

I only need her viciousness when I’m trapped

The old me

Keeps trying to take over my body

I’ve changed 

I swear I have

Princess is dying

Now it’s time for Nix to rule

The vessel that is my my brain

My mind

My heart

She can use that for good

Yeah, hopefully, I hoped she would.

Author's Note

This is about who I was, turning into who I am still in the process of becoming.
Oh, yeah, so here's an explanation for some of y'all that don't understand, Princess is my real name, but I hate my real name, so I've unofficially renamed myself "Phoenix" but for short, Nix, to commemorate the new me I'm becoming.
Thoughts?

Reviews

[spacelava]

I'm trying to refrain myself from calling your poems hauntingly beautiful but I can't because it's just what they are!!!! You just have this talent where you're able to make certain words and sentences stick with a person and everything about this - I just felt it!!!! I felt it in my bones! Adolescence is hard; trying to grow up is hard and we all change that's a fact, but there are parts of ourselves we are embarrassed from; parts that every now and then come out on the surface and you've so eloquently described the battle a person has with one self and the lengths they might go to keep moving forward.

100/100 all the way!!!!

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you so much, Marija! I always appreciate your reviews! They're all so kind and thoughtful ❤️❤️ I really appreciate the 5-star rating lol thank you so so so much!!

[Coyote Poetry]

It is sad. We will change. Sometimes, not for the better my dear friend. Powerful and honest words shared poet.
Coyote

[T.S. Ulmus]

It's awesome to have the freedom to reinvent yourself. Your writing always reads so real. T.S.ulmus is not my real name, it's my reinvention. Your choice of Phoenix is so utterly appropriate and I love the abbreviation.

[Nix is typing...]

I like that :) But how come? What does T.S. stand for? And thanks for your review 🥰 And thanks for loving the abbreviation of my reinvention name, it makes me happy to hear you say ALL of these things :) ❤️

[T.S. Ulmus]

Tricessimus sextus Ulmus means the 36th elm tree in Latin. It's kind of a long story how I got there.

[barleygirl]

I would want to kill anyone who named me "Princess"! I love the name "Phoenix" -- so fitting for your life situation, too. Don't worry about writing disclaimers to people who might try to diagnose you. That's their problem, not yours. Address the people who love you & forget all the rest. Becuz people will love your writing, if not already the case. You are an amazing writer. I love your self-honesty, your courage, your straightforward bluntness mixed with playful wordcrafting. Some people get so intent on describing a serious situation like this, they forget to have fun. I love that I can feel you being genuinely piqued about s**t in life, but also taking life in stride & having fun with your writing about it. If anyone is ever giving you s**t about your writing or your potential mental disorders, you can rest assured these people are simply jealous becuz you're hot, when it comes to throwing down words. This poem could also apply to meditation . . . trying to stop the intrusive thoughts that get in the way of being serene. Also, I have to warn you, I'm 64 & my "old self" still has to be fought back regularly, so I'm glad you're having fun with the fight (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Nix is typing...]

I feel so bad for getting to this three days later!!! Thanks for agreeing with me on the whole naming thing!!!! As soon as I read your review three days ago, I immediately went back and deleted the disclaimer and COMPLETELY forgot to comment, I'm so sorry!! I love your review, Miss Margie!! Thank you so much for reviewing!!

[barleygirl]

Don't worry about responding to me. I'm too old & forgetful to keep in mind those I've reviewed or to keep track of whoever has responded to what/who/when.

[Chris Shaw]

We do evolve as we grow. My character is very different now from how I was as a younger woman. It sounds as though you are struggling with your former self. She keeps trying to break through. I can relate to that. It took sometime before my shyness and lack of confidence disappeared. In fact every now and then that side of me still makes an appearance to remind me of how far I have grown. Enjoying your writing and your thoughts.

Chris

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you so much, Chris! I really am sometimes, like the bad part of me wants to come back out, she keeps trying to tell me to stop being a dud. But I don't want to let her back out again in fear of not being able to control her. She's what I like to call, my wild-side. I appreciate your review!!!

[Chris Shaw]

You are welcome. I have a wild side too :)

[Kari Rakitan]

She sounds like a real handful. You might try finding safe ways to indulge her desires. Have a talk with her instead of pushing her away. Deep down, maybe all she wants is love and attention.

[Just Kim]

I love this, It is so real really, I can feel this write. so nicely written and expressed

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you so much!!

[LazerRays]

That's funny, I'm a schizo reading this. I feel like this all the time. The old me constantly trying to claw it's way out of our body like a f*****g parasite. When addressing this topic, I suggest being rough and gruesome.