The Old Me

The Old Me

A Chapter by Nix is typing...
"

She keeps trying to break through.

"

The old me

Keeps trying to reach the surface

As much as she claws and bats at me

I keep my hand on her head

Shoving her deep inside the ocean of me

She'll get lost floating out at sea

My seas of dreams and lost loves

My seas of demons and lost hopes


The old me

Just can't seem to take the hint

I try to pipe her down

With just one hit

Emotions flood my head all day

Wondering if I'll ever get my way

I keep fighting her

But she keeps fighting back


Pound, pound, pound

She keeps trying to escape

"I want out! Please!

I promise I'll behave!"


The old me

It's the attention and misbehavior she craves

"LEAVE ME ALONE!

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!"

When she was surfaced

I was in a bubble

She kept me hidden

And kept getting me trapped

Do I have to keep rhyming?
It’s getting pretty tiring.

I guess I'll keep going, 

Might as well keep the rhythm flowing


The old me

Keeps trying to hurt me

She’ll get me put behind bars

“STOP IT, PRINCESS

OR I’LL MAKE YOU SEE STARS!”

I’ll scream at the old me

Trying to reach the surface

But I push her back down

Trying to make her drown

She’ll look at me with a frown

And I’ll scowl back

I only need her viciousness when I’m trapped


The old me

Keeps trying to take over my body

I’ve changed 

I swear I have

Princess is dying

Now it’s time for Nix to rule

The vessel that is my my brain

My mind

My heart

She can use that for good

Yeah, hopefully, I hoped she would.



© 2021 Nix is typing...


Author's Note

Nix is typing...
This is about who I was, turning into who I am still in the process of becoming.
Oh, yeah, so here's an explanation for some of y'all that don't understand, Princess is my real name, but I hate my real name, so I've unofficially renamed myself "Phoenix" but for short, Nix, to commemorate the new me I'm becoming.
Thoughts?

My Review

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Featured Review

I'm trying to refrain myself from calling your poems hauntingly beautiful but I can't because it's just what they are!!!! You just have this talent where you're able to make certain words and sentences stick with a person and everything about this - I just felt it!!!! I felt it in my bones! Adolescence is hard; trying to grow up is hard and we all change that's a fact, but there are parts of ourselves we are embarrassed from; parts that every now and then come out on the surface and you've so eloquently described the battle a person has with one self and the lengths they might go to keep moving forward.

100/100 all the way!!!!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Marija! I always appreciate your reviews! They're all so kind and thoughtful ❤�.. read more



Reviews

It is sad. We will change. Sometimes, not for the better my dear friend. Powerful and honest words shared poet.
Coyote

Posted 3 Years Ago


It's awesome to have the freedom to reinvent yourself. Your writing always reads so real. T.S.ulmus is not my real name, it's my reinvention. Your choice of Phoenix is so utterly appropriate and I love the abbreviation.

Posted 3 Years Ago


Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

I like that :) But how come? What does T.S. stand for? And thanks for your review 🥰 And thanks fo.. read more
T.S. Ulmus

3 Years Ago

Tricessimus sextus Ulmus means the 36th elm tree in Latin. It's kind of a long story how I got there.. read more
I would want to kill anyone who named me "Princess"! I love the name "Phoenix" -- so fitting for your life situation, too. Don't worry about writing disclaimers to people who might try to diagnose you. That's their problem, not yours. Address the people who love you & forget all the rest. Becuz people will love your writing, if not already the case. You are an amazing writer. I love your self-honesty, your courage, your straightforward bluntness mixed with playful wordcrafting. Some people get so intent on describing a serious situation like this, they forget to have fun. I love that I can feel you being genuinely piqued about s**t in life, but also taking life in stride & having fun with your writing about it. If anyone is ever giving you s**t about your writing or your potential mental disorders, you can rest assured these people are simply jealous becuz you're hot, when it comes to throwing down words. This poem could also apply to meditation . . . trying to stop the intrusive thoughts that get in the way of being serene. Also, I have to warn you, I'm 64 & my "old self" still has to be fought back regularly, so I'm glad you're having fun with the fight (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 3 Years Ago


Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

I feel so bad for getting to this three days later!!! Thanks for agreeing with me on the whole namin.. read more
barleygirl

3 Years Ago

Don't worry about responding to me. I'm too old & forgetful to keep in mind those I've reviewed or t.. read more
We do evolve as we grow. My character is very different now from how I was as a younger woman. It sounds as though you are struggling with your former self. She keeps trying to break through. I can relate to that. It took sometime before my shyness and lack of confidence disappeared. In fact every now and then that side of me still makes an appearance to remind me of how far I have grown. Enjoying your writing and your thoughts.

Chris

Posted 3 Years Ago


Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Chris! I really am sometimes, like the bad part of me wants to come back out, she.. read more
Chris Shaw

3 Years Ago

You are welcome. I have a wild side too :)
She sounds like a real handful. You might try finding safe ways to indulge her desires. Have a talk with her instead of pushing her away. Deep down, maybe all she wants is love and attention.

Posted 3 Years Ago


I love this, It is so real really, I can feel this write. so nicely written and expressed

Posted 3 Years Ago


Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much!!
I'm trying to refrain myself from calling your poems hauntingly beautiful but I can't because it's just what they are!!!! You just have this talent where you're able to make certain words and sentences stick with a person and everything about this - I just felt it!!!! I felt it in my bones! Adolescence is hard; trying to grow up is hard and we all change that's a fact, but there are parts of ourselves we are embarrassed from; parts that every now and then come out on the surface and you've so eloquently described the battle a person has with one self and the lengths they might go to keep moving forward.

100/100 all the way!!!!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Marija! I always appreciate your reviews! They're all so kind and thoughtful ❤�.. read more
That's funny, I'm a schizo reading this. I feel like this all the time. The old me constantly trying to claw it's way out of our body like a f*****g parasite. When addressing this topic, I suggest being rough and gruesome.

Posted 3 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on January 12, 2021
Last Updated on March 12, 2021


Author

Nix is typing...
Nix is typing...

Athens, GA



About
Uh, what can I say? Hi! I'm Phoenix (Nix) 🔥 Most of my poems are in my books :) except for Phoenix Parker, that's a book I wrote last year. Most of my writing is poetry, I'm always o.. more..

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