New Year, Nothing New- Chapter 9- January 5, 8 AM

Kyle is a year older and a new year has approached, but does things seem better?

Well, it’s been over a month and absolutely nothing has changed, unfortunately. The rest of my birthday was pointless because I was depressed and felt stupid after Jamie left. The only thing that happened was that my mom bought me a cake for my birthday. I had to put a fake smile on for my family during Thanksgivings and Christmas and act like everything was completely fine. My mom spent her hard earned money to buy me a new laptop, which in hindsight wasn’t a bad idea because I needed a new one, but I’m not going to use it much because I’m not going to be on this planet much longer. I need I keep saying this, but one of these days my brain is going to snap, and I’m going to cut deep enough to end my life. I dealt with December because I didn’t want all of my family dealing with a death during the holiday season. Jamie and I made up, sorta. He completely apologized for what happened, and I couldn’t stay mad at him, but it did violate me again. It wasn’t right

School started back up today, but I have no ambition to be bullied again, so I called myself out of school. I just didn’t feel like going and dealing with all my problems, I was all alone. I wanted to scream out all my problems. But instead of screaming, I bottled it inside me and let it all go when I take a slash at my skin. I’ve been cutting every day, sometimes more than once a day. It has been just under two months since I started cutting. I hardly ever looked at my scars and open wounds. I didn’t want to see all my pain. But I’m always curious. I roll up my sleeve. I have scars all the way up my arm. I’m not proud, but this is the only to release the pain. I’ve been getting riskier lately because I’ve been cutting deeper. I end up watching TV all day and thinking. I’m coming up with all these ideas in my head to end it all, but I just can’t wrap myself around one I like. Suicide is my last resort, but I feel like no would care if I just slipped away right now.

            It is almost time for my mom to coming home from work, and now I have to come up with a lazy a*s excuse why I didn’t go to school today. I get up from the couch to go get a snack when my phone vibrated.

Jamie: Where were you today?

Me: I’m got sick last night, so I decided to stay home today because I still didn’t feel well this morning.

Jamie: You sure that’s the reason?

Me: You know the reason, Jamie. No one can know about my secrets. Ever. I still can’t believe that I told Jamie what happened that November night. So, he has kept it a secret. Suddenly, I hear the front door swing open, I jolt. I remember my sleeve was rolled up. I quickly roll it back down.

            “Oh, hi honey, what are you doing home?” My mom asked me.

“I didn’t feel well this morning, so I called out.” I blankly told her.

 “Oh okay.” It looks like she didn’t think much more of it after that. The rest of my night consisted of laying down and crying. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of life.

            I was planning to go to school that next day because I know I can’t stay home forever, but as usually, it never went to plan. About three in the morning I woke and went to the bathroom. As I got back into bed, I check my phone just for the hell of it. Again, I was tagged in another post. This time, I seriously wanted to take that knife I had lying next to me and just slash my throat open.  My Facebook account was hacked. I don’t know how someone got into my account because I know I don’t give out my username and password. “I’m a little weakling who don’t deserve to live. I fail at everything I do, and everyone at school is better than me! Go die you little s**t! I hope Hell is just as fun as here on Earth!” I am so frustrated and really don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. I am trustworthy person, but when people push my buttons it doesn’t take me long for me to snap. With previous depression episodes, I’ve been sad and down, but I’ve never been to the point where I would self-harm or even consider suicide as a solution. Society hurts. Words hurt. I just want a way out of this paralyzing world. I want out of this hole, but I don’t believe there is a way out besides suicide.

 

Reviews

[Maya Jane]

Who would hack his account? How would they have gotten that information? Well, technology is so big these days it doesn't surprise me. You're doing a very good job with this story and I'm hoping it has a happy ending.

[John Duprey]

Thanks! It has a lot of detail and a lot of shockers that you will never see coming.

[Linds]

I'm glad someone knows. But he can't kill himself! It's not fair to him! :(