September's Rain ~ Shunned

Diminished Octaverse. Experimental.

September's Rain ~ Shunned

If I lay 'neath a starry sky,

and the moon's laments soon begin,

sweet memories of past would sigh,

and taste the rain b'falling my skin..

of love and lies I kept ~ within.

As it goes, ne'er a dream comes true,

so I shall always never win …

with hot midnight’s sun scorching through. 

I envy those who're in hell,

as I burn in sheer torment;

my tattered heart in its shell,

devoid of my lover's scent.

I shall mend my broken wing,

fly to an eternal spring …

that which only I can bring! 

My fingers thrive to touch

yon iridescent glow;

'pon thin air my hands clutch,

turning my heart to snow.

As, quiet, moon's beam shine,

water lilies ~ repine. 

Oh, soothe this charred soul,

let the grey clouds lift;

your words make me whole.

Though, we are adrift …

your music's my gift. 

My hushed restrain

becomes undone;

September's rain

forever shunned ...

but, I'll twirl,

wildly swirl;

life's a whirl...!

Musk blue,

I knew ...

You.

Reviews

[LazerRays]

Ha! I am the first commenter! Hahahahahahahaha!
(excuse me for a second)
*leaves room and evily laughs*

honestly, it was not really my type. It's great and all, but I really didn't enjoy it. I'm glad you're trying a new style, and others will love it.
Now, don't think it's awful or anything because I didn't enjoy it!
Remember, this is a love poem. Older generations have experienced heartbreak and will therefore feel something with this poem.
I'm 15. I hardly even know what love is. Therefore, I can't grasp the feeling of this poem.

-sarah

[Dr. YumnaKay]

haha the only commenter ;) :P
I like trying new forms so if anything, I wrote this as an experiment, wouldn't matter if no one enjoys it ;)
Tbh, some days even I don't understand what love is so we're the same..
Thank you so much for still reading and sharing your thoughts, Sarah. Always appreciated :))

[Ardra]

Wow Yumna....you have evolved into a butterfly

A colourful one at that...

Love the feel of pain in this....it speaks to me so much....especially the below lines...

I envy those who're in hell,
as I burn in sheer torment;
my tattered heart in its shell,
devoid of my lover's scent.

Looking fwd to read more of you...

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much for your lovely words, Ardra. Your review made me smile. I'm glad you like it (although sad that you can relate...)

[Verse]

It’s funny, because I don’t believe you intended this as shape poetry. The formatting gives it the cast of an inverted wine bottle.

The write itself ages from light to full-bodied in just a couple of stanzas. From Beaujolais nouveau to the deepest, dustiest Barolo in that the closing words are whimsically packaged, and yet classics.

It has been my pleasure to read your love today. :):)

V

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I certainly did not intend this as shape poetry but its nice to know it looks like one, perhaps more because of the structure of this form which requires one syllable in each stanza downwards...
Thank you so much for the lovely comparison and for appreciating this piece, V. Glad you like it. :)

[Verse]

I really do.

[Richard🖌]

Wondrously beautiful, Doc Yumna!
From picture, to title, and presentation, through every well-struck word, line, and verse, you've hit each note in perfect harmony, rhyme, rhythm, and emotional nuance.
The diminishing effect of each verse flows smoothly and seamlessly down from first to final word, and the emotional timbre tugs at one's heart, and goodness, how this verse touches:
Oh, soothe this charred soul,
let the grey clouds lift;
your words make me whole.
Though, we are adrift …
your music's my gift.

Your willingness and developing skills continue to amaze me … you make teaching and sharing a genuine pleasure, Yumna.
Thank you for your faith and trust in me … big hug! ⁓ Richard : )

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much for your beautiful review of this piece, Richard! The lines you chose were what came almost spontaneously to me while writing. Your patience with me builds up my confidence in this writing journey. 🌸🍃

[Richard🖌]

My most humble bow⁓