I’m writing this journal entry in the back of Dad’s car. I
can see the trees and people pass by as we drive a smooth 55 MPH. Neither Dad
nor I are talking. The only sounds I hear is the hum of the radio that is turned down. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I’m bulimic.
He has me wrapped up tightly in a quilt like I'm a baby. The air conditioner is off, but I feel like I'm freezing to death. My mind keeps racing with today's happenings. I should have figured I would be institutionalized. I assumed for months figured I would die before being found out. The institution I'm going to is familiar. I've been to Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center before for volunteering but now if feels like I'm going there to be executed.
It was a mistake that he even found out. After church Sunday
Dad had plans to go out to eat with the other pastors, and I told him I was
sick. Really I wasn’t, but Dad bought it. He started to ask a bunch of
questions as he drove me home.
“Will you be okay alone Aelge?”
I told him yes and he was gone. As soon as he was gone I
cooked a box of macaroni and cheese and ate the whole thing and then I had two
bowls of cereal. Out of no where Dad walked in and he scared me enough that I
passed out. I was sent to the hospital and when I came to, my stomach felt like
it was going to burst. After they did a few blood tests I rushed into the
bathroom. As soon as I could I shoved my fingers down my throat, I started to
vomit immediately.
“Are you okay Miss Howard?” Called one of the
nurses.
I didn’t answer so Dad called out “Aelge!”
The nurse shoved the door open and I was found with my
fingers down my throat. Normally I would binge and then starve myself, but this time I was desperate, and this food needed to come out. Longing back I would I would not been caught. I feel guilty for Dad seeing me. As soon as Dad saw me I could see a mixture of things in
Dad's eyes. I could tell he was sad, scared but, relieved.
Dad cried as they wrapped me up and lied me on the hard cot. A nurse said I looked like a living skeleton. They kept feeding me coffee and tea so that I would stop complaining of freezing to death.
They did the blood tests and found out that I was extremely
malnourished. I was hospitalized for a few days. Dad said he always expected
that I had an eating disorder, but he was afraid to ask. The day after I was
emitted he sighed me up for treatment at Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center for the
summer.
The last thing I want is to go, but I feel like I have to now.
Dear Calypso:
There is an adage in the professional writing field that a good writer "Should show, not tell." What I have come to discover what that means is--rather then tell your reader. "I'm writing this journal entry in the back of Dad's car." You might show your reader that:
"The stores along 63rd street whizzed past the window in a blur as my dad's car zoomed down the street toward's Bryant's Teen Recovery Center. I usually liked sitting in the back seat of Dad's car. It always felt safe sitting amid the soft brown leather cushions. Today was different. I was scared. I didn't know what tomorrow might bring. I took my diary from my backpack and sat it down upon my knees. I wanted to write about how I felt about fear of going to the teen center.
My hand is frozen. I can't write a word. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I'm Bulimic."
My point here Calypso is that by developing WORD PICTURES that show what your character is doing, and how your character is feeling, you might be able to create action, drama, and reder identification with your character.
Aside from technique, you have created a sense of mystery. I want to know what is going to happen to Aelge. I want to know how she came to have Buliema, and what impact Aelge's condition will have on her father.
I assume you will answer these questions in the upcoming chapters.
Ohhh. There are several places where you should have brought your spell checker into play.
I have a proposition for you. If you are willing to polish and rewrite the first three chapters of your novel, I would like to serialize it for three consecutive months in my online magazine The Aegis Literary Review: http://aegisliteraryreview.com. Take a look at the magazine. If the idea appeals to you, I'll publish the first three chapters, and pay you a small stipend--$5.00 per chapter.
An interesting start!! I'm compelled to read on, and that's what you want in the first chapter, I also love how you've styled this with the daily journal entries. Ronald Ayers offers the most valuable criticism here, which would truly make this great! A few grammatical errors and typos - "emitted" to "admitted" and the odd comma here and there, but a great start, well done!!
Dear Calypso:
There is an adage in the professional writing field that a good writer "Should show, not tell." What I have come to discover what that means is--rather then tell your reader. "I'm writing this journal entry in the back of Dad's car." You might show your reader that:
"The stores along 63rd street whizzed past the window in a blur as my dad's car zoomed down the street toward's Bryant's Teen Recovery Center. I usually liked sitting in the back seat of Dad's car. It always felt safe sitting amid the soft brown leather cushions. Today was different. I was scared. I didn't know what tomorrow might bring. I took my diary from my backpack and sat it down upon my knees. I wanted to write about how I felt about fear of going to the teen center.
My hand is frozen. I can't write a word. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I'm Bulimic."
My point here Calypso is that by developing WORD PICTURES that show what your character is doing, and how your character is feeling, you might be able to create action, drama, and reder identification with your character.
Aside from technique, you have created a sense of mystery. I want to know what is going to happen to Aelge. I want to know how she came to have Buliema, and what impact Aelge's condition will have on her father.
I assume you will answer these questions in the upcoming chapters.
Ohhh. There are several places where you should have brought your spell checker into play.
I have a proposition for you. If you are willing to polish and rewrite the first three chapters of your novel, I would like to serialize it for three consecutive months in my online magazine The Aegis Literary Review: http://aegisliteraryreview.com. Take a look at the magazine. If the idea appeals to you, I'll publish the first three chapters, and pay you a small stipend--$5.00 per chapter.
I'm a full time college student, part time worker. I'm two years away from my bsw! In my free time I read, write and sim.
Check out my tumblr blogs some time.
http://emmy-1127.tumblr.com/ more..
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