Wit & Wisdom - March 10th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. (continued)

W&W March 10th 2014

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01. GEORGE CARLIN IN CONCERT:

"Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and He has a special list of ten things He does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things He will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but He LOVES you."

02. I am a Team Player, I just don't play on the same team as you.

03. There might not be anything suspicious going on after all, but that's no reason to stop making perfectly good conspiracy theories.

04. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

05. Your Food Stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. ― Department Of Social Services

06. Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade ?

07. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, it made the kittens.

08. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and we're all wearing milk-bone underwear.

09. Have you ever noticed that the person that handles you're money is called a BROKER ?

10. Who ever said anything was possible has never tried to close a revolving door.

11. I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes they gang up and attack me all at once.

12. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

13. Man's greatest fear is to have died without living.

14. Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns.

15. Dreamers can be destroyed with simple debt and depression.

16. If a man stands alone in a forest and makes a statement against women and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong ?

17. The Difference between a bag pipe and an onion is that no-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

18. To be today’s real woman, you need to have the physique of Venus, the cunning of Cleopatra, the courage of Joan of Arc, the wardrobe of Marie Antoinette, and the cleaning power of Ammonia D.

19. Look, I'm giving it to you in black and white and you're asking about purple !

20. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. ― Douglas Adams

21. People are like Slinkys; they don't really serve a purpose, but you can't help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.

22. Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

23. My daddy always said, 'give a man a fish, and he knows where to go to get fish. Teach a man to fish, and you destroy your market base.'

24. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." ― Nintendo Inc. 1989

25. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass & think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer & let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.

27. Todays women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make up, including living bras and various pads that would make a linebacker envious, she has implants and other surgeries and later she complains that she cant find a REAL man.

28. Disclaimer: Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

29. Life is like a luscious chocolate cake. Unfortunately, most of us are diabetic.

30. I hope there isn't a bright light when you go to Heaven because I don't want to go through eternity squinting. And It's going to be hard enough to get laid in Heaven too, only the good girls are going.

31. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really understand what's going on.

32. Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons. ― Douglas Adams

33. You know the person who found out you could get milk from cows....what were they doing ?

34. According to Bradsher, internal industry market research concluded that S.U.V.s tend to be bought by people who are insecure, vain, self-centered, and self-absorbed, who are frequently nervous about their marriages, and who lack confidence in their driving skills.

35. The Guide says that there is an art to flying," said Ford, "or rather, a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ― Douglas Adams

36. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

37. Me, I'm dishonest. And you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, honestly. It's the honest ones you have to look out for. Because you never know when they'll do something stupid. ― Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean

38. "I want you all to think about what you ate today and cut that in half. This is called a diet."
"Why do we all have to go on a diet?"
"Because in cheerleading, we throw people in the air, and fat people don't go as high." ― Bring It On

39. Perfection is a dream so far from your reach it can only exist as a intangible idea or through the perception of others like me.

40. Tough girls come from New York, sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Virginia girls we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it. ― Ashley Judd

41. The American's answer to war is to shoot anything that moves. If that fails they napalm it.

42. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

43. When asked what he wanted from life, he said, I'll start with a written apology.

44. Why should you never iron a four leaf clover ? You don't want to press your luck.

45. A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

46. I am very good at things people get arrested for.

47. Feudalism: It's your count that votes !

48. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

49. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things. Every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

50. Hello, the doctor is busy at the moment,however, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:

-if you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.

-if you are codependent, please ask someone to press "2".

-if you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".

-if you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-if you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.

-if you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.

Which of these can you relate to ?