Wit & Wisdom - August 26th 2013

Wit & Wisdom - August 26th 2013

A Chapter by dw817
"

Hire an idiot to get the job done. Hire someone else to build it the right way the first time.

"

  W&W August 26th 2013  

 

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01. Hire an idiot to get the job done. Hire someone else to build it the right way the first time.


02. Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a Happy Meal. Sincerely, Don't Forget My Toy.


03. The problem is not that obesity runs in your family. It's that no-one runs at all in your family.


04. The closest that I've gotten to murder is: holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop ...


05. That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and the cashier adds it all up and tells you the amount and they're not even back yet.


06. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status ! To see your prize please press Control "W" on your keyboard now.


07. I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like a loud gunshot.


08. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.


09. Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.


10. These animal crackers are a total gyp ! This elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did !


11. I just saved myself a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching ... my car into reverse and quickly driving away from the accident !


12. I read something the other day during an emergency that got me pissed. It was a sign that said: 'Bathroom closed.'


13. There's a fine line between tan and looking liked you've been rolling around in Dorito's.


14. I wonder how Buzz and Woody would react if they ever met Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names as them but with different meanings ...


15. Men were born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. There's no place like home.


16. Me ? Behave ? Seriously !? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe & had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance & Shaggy and Scooby-Doo were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine !


17. Calories are those evil little gremlins that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter each night.


18. Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas next year is ... your list with the names and addresses of all the naughty girls.


19. Hurricanes are like women: when they come they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.


20. Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.


21. Laughter is always the best medicine ... unless you have a toothache.


22. If you watch Jaws backwards; it's actually a film about a magical fish that throws up so many people that they have to open a beach for it.


23. Whatever you do in life, always give it your 110%. That is unless you're giving blood.


24. When I kill an insect in my house, I usually leave the body around for a-while as an example for the other bugs to not mess with me.


25.
This is gonna be one of those mornings where I just wanna eat the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms cereal.




26. You have at least two addresses memorized; Your own address and P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.


27. T*****s. Actual proof that men can in fact pay attention to two things at one time.


28. If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong.


29. Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me !


30. No, I don't have a dirty mind, just a very kinky imagination.


31. Always remember that you are special and unique - just like everyone else.


32. Everyone always talks about the Early Bird. How about the Early Worm ? Tel me - how well did that work out for him ?


33. Now that I'm old enough, I feel I'm mature enough to interpret what, "beep beep" actually means when the roadrunner says it to the coyote.


34. Before someone gets their driver's license, they should be able to beat Rainbow Road in Mario Kart without falling off the track.


35. I'll go to great lengths to scavenge batteries from my other toys before I go out and buy new ones for what I need.


36. When you are getting out of the aisle at the movies and have to pass by people still watching the show, which do you give them, the nut or the butt ?


37. Lying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if its worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning.


38. I have a memory foam mattress - and I really hope that it doesn't remember everything that went on.


39. Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to staple water to a tree.


40. Sleep is such a cute state of mind when it tries to compete with midnight Internet.


41. How do homeless people manage to get all the good shopping carts when I can't find any at the store for a single shopping trip ?


42. Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I can sleep while others are talking.


43. I feel like getting some work done right now, so to be fair I'm gonna sit here until that strange feeling passes.


44. You may think I'm a total loser, but to my pet Goldfish I am the god of the Golden Flakes !


45. Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.


46. I don't need to lie, but sometimes I give truth a Beauty Makeover.


47. FINALS - Friggin' Idiots Never Actually Learning Stuff.


48. Friends are like bras, they are close to your heart and there for your support.


49. The only thing that keeps me from snapping you like a twig is I don't want two of you around.


50.
Look officer, all I'm saying is if you caught me, then you were speeding too ya know !




Which of these can you relate to ?



See you next week with 50 more !

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© 2013 dw817


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Reviews

An other great write! I enjoed the intersting layout of it! Thanks for sharing!

-CW

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Layout ? Hmm ... I just always want to include some degree of imagery with my writing. While I'm not.. read more
Hysterical, I recognized a few, most of them were original and funny as hell. # 16 I actually spit my coffee out...too true, great read, needed a laff & a smile today, thanks!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Curiously as I watch each Disney film, I never really think about the negative traits of the hero or.. read more
Haha this is great stuff...I'm in dire need of a laugh and this at least a snicker, which is good enough :P

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kublakhan27

6 Years Ago

*at least got
dw817

6 Years Ago

That's fine. Glad you liked 'em. I'll definitely post a new set of 50 next Monday. :7
Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to staple water to a tree.

Know thy limitations and work wonders within them.

Posted 6 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Actually when I read that first one, stapling water to a tree it reminded me of an absolutely horrid.. read more
Bahahaha...all of them!!! Thanks for the laughter...;-))

Posted 6 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Welp, glad you liked 'em. :7 Send some RR's my way and I'll certainly be glad to read and comment on.. read more

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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