Wit & Wisdom - December 30th 2013

Wit & Wisdom - December 30th 2013

A Chapter by dw817
"

I wanted to make a really special Valentine’s Day for myself, so for 3-hours I tied up my boyfriend and we both watched whatever I wanted to watch on TV together.

"

  W&W December 30th 2013  

 

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01. I wanted to make a really special Valentine’s Day for myself, so for 3-hours I tied up my boyfriend and we both watched whatever I wanted to watch on TV together.


02. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?


03. Dear Mario: I wasted my life trying to find your stupid girlfriend, signed, You Owe Me.


04. In the end it’s not the years in your life that count but the life you spent with those years.


05. All the Disney Princesses give me unrealistic expectations of my hair.


06. A pessimist is someone who gripes that all women are bad. An optimist is someone who hopes they really are.


07. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning for that matter.


08. Always remember this. A kiss will never miss. And after many kisses, a Miss becomes the Mrs.


09. Dear Google Maps, your estimated time of arrival is my time to beat. Signed, Eat My Dust.


10. Maybe you should read the instructions first ? “No, I GOT THIS !”


11. As long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in schools.


12. If you’re going through hell right now, don’t stop and just keep going.


13. I am the kinna person that can run into a wall when I’m not looking and apologize to it afterwards.


14. By the time I actually realized my parents were right, I already had kids who believed I wasn’t.


15. Children can always know there is company in the living room by suddenly hearing their Mother laughing at Father’s jokes.


16. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.


17. If at first you don’t succeed, next time wear a parachute.


18. Stop waiting for Prince Charming. The poor idiot may have fallen in the loo and you are expected to rescue him.


19. If time truly does fly, where does this leave you ? Old too soon and smart too late …


20. I suggest a new law. If the teacher doesn’t show up in 15-minutes, that class is canceled for the day !


21. A Diplomat is an intelligent fellow who always remembers her Birthday yet never her age.


22. As you think " so you are. As you imagine " so you become.


23. The less people know about how laws and hot dogs are made, the better they’ll sleep at night.


24. When a telemarketer calls, hand the phone to the closest kid and say, “Santa is on the phone !”


25.
A happy family is an earlier heaven.



26. It’s never too cold outside for ice cream.


27. The best way to memorize your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.


28. Summer is the curious season where once a year a man thinks he can cook better outdoors than his wife who does it every day indoors.


29. There is nothing more embarrassing to a teenager than their parents.


30. I’ve always been a leader in life and I take charge and command others. But if it’s dark ahead, screw that, you’re going first !


31. My wife and me were happy for 20-years, until that fateful day where we finally met each other.


32. Wrinkles only indicate where years of smiles have been.


33. Until I was 13 I honestly thought my name was, “Shut Up.”


34. Great minds discuss new ideas. Average minds discuss past events. Smaller minds discuss current people.


35. Nobody believes an official spokesperson, yet everyone trusts an unidentified source.


36. The main problem with teenagers is they act just the way their parents did at that age.


37. It’s okay to tell me that I’m perfect, but be honest with me when you do.


38. Be nice to everyone on your way to the top for they may dictate how well or not you are received by the general public later in life.


39. A friend helps you up when you are knocked down. A TRUE friend says, “Stay down, I got this.”


40. The hardest job a kid can face today is to have manners without actually seeing any.


41. The miracle of life is this: The more you share, the more you have.


42. Life can in fact be a bed of roses, you just have to learn not to complain about the thorns all the time.


43. I’m all about sharing the road when I’m driving " long as they realize I’m the leader and they stay behind me.


44. Be amazing, excellent, helpful, and friendly in life and there will always be one other person jealous of your stature and do anything and everything to try and bring you down. Face it, if you weren't so popular they wouldn't waste their time with you.


45. America hasn’t seen lazy yet. Just wait till McDonald’s starts home deliveries !


46. Dear Math Worksheet: Please don’t have a printed back, please don’t have a … aww man !


47. Anyone who still says that men and women are equal have obviously never seen a man try to wrap a Christmas present.


48. When I’m reading a book and someone asks what I’m reading, I don’t answer, just raise up the cover so they can see it for themselves. Reading is my silent time.


49. Eagles may indeed soar amongst the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.


50.
People demand Freedom Of Speech to make up for the Freedom Of Thought they refuse to take less responsibility for.





Which of these can you relate to ?


See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2013 dw817


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12. If you’re going through hell right now, don’t stop and just keep going.
-I've been living in hell for quite some time now, and sometimes I wonder why I didn't fall yet. I guess I gotta keep trudging on.

20. I suggest a new law. If the teacher doesn’t show up in 15-minutes, that class is canceled for the day !
-Isn't that somewhat of a rule/ lawish? I know in my school if the teacher fails to show up in fifteen minutes when the bell rings, students can wander out of the classroom and around campus (i would flock to the library or something) and technically "skip class." Or maybe it's a thing with the upper classmen.. *shrugs*

24. When a telemarketer calls, hand the phone to the closest kid and say, “Santa is on the phone !”
-Hm. Never tried that before. Usually with telemarketers call over and over, I wait till the third call or so and either begin ranting Homestuck quotes or simply yell into the phone in the utmost manner, "MY NAME IS PATRICK."

25. A happy family is an earlier heaven.
-Pff. I wish I had one now.

36. The main problem with teenagers is they act just the way their parents did at that age.
-I've heard that a lot. Mostly in the form of, "I experienced that when I was younger!" For parents that lived in the tropics of the Philippines, I'm pretty sure they never have been cooped up in a household or restrained their whole childhood life. After all, they always brag how they would go hunting and play in the river everyday. .n. totally not the same.

45. America hasn’t seen lazy yet. Just wait till McDonald’s starts home deliveries !
-And then America might as well crumble? McDonalds is like ugly crap smeared over the country's name. ono. Honestly though MD ain't a chinese takeout. godforbidthatwouldhappen

46. Dear Math Worksheet: Please don’t have a printed back, please don’t have a … aww man !
-For a student that is currently (at least I'm pretty sure since my average last marking period was a 75), sucking at math, I cannot fathom another page of what was not taught to me. *shivers*

*These were absolutely interesting and fun to pick out which ones that could relate to a reader. Nice quip!*


Posted 6 Years Ago


yep this is good i like this it's very well written

Posted 6 Years Ago


I love your list works DW! It's been a while. Glad to see you back on here. Thanks for sharing!

-CW

Posted 6 Years Ago


Nobody believes an official spokesperson, yet everyone trusts an unidentified source.

These ones weren't so much funny as they were insightful. The 'shut up' one was really said.

Posted 6 Years Ago



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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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