Wit & Wisdom - March 2nd 2015

Wit & Wisdom - March 2nd 2015

A Chapter by dw817
"

A 1st grade school teacher presented each of the students in her class the 1st half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. The answers coming back were quite interesting ...

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  W&W March 2nd 2015   

  

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01. A 1st grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. It's hard to believe these were the answers retrieved from first graders.

1. Don't change horses - until they stop running.
2. Strike while the - bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of - termites.
5. You can lead a how to water but - how ?
6. Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
7. No news is - impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a - Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new - math.
10. If you like down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust - me.
12. The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
13. An idle mind - is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
15. Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is - not much.
17. Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you - see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind - better get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.

AND THE WINNER IS
26. Better late than - pregnant.

02. There isn't enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You must decide which one will live there.

03. I Think. Therefore we have nothing in common.


04. If you're so sure of your religion, why should it bother you that I doubt it ?


05. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes ? Knock on the door.


06. All you need is that perfect song on that perfect drive to feel infinite.


07. They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.

08. Don't tell me what they said about me. Tell me why there so comfortable to say it around you.


09. Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.


10.

"Oh, you'll have to swipe your VISA again. It didn't scan the first time."
"It won't charge my card again, will it ?"
"..."


11. You don't actually love a person unless you occasionally want to kill them.


12. From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.


13. I've met some pricks in my time, but you sir, are a cactus.


14. If you want more KINDNESS in the world, put it there.


15. I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, and broken, but somehow still works.


16. That awkward moment when you're watching a movie you picked out for the whole family to watch and a sex scene comes on. Your parents give you that LOOK.


17. It's funny how things change with time. I used to hate taking naps and being spanked.


18. Children must always wear a seat belt in a car. Except if there are 50 of them in a bus. No, that doesn't make sense.


19. Before you judge me, make sure you're perfect.


20. Oh the things I know that you don't know that I do !


21. I like your name. Thanks, I got it for my Birthday.


22. To avoid arguing with dumb people you just gotta agree with them. They be like: 2+2=5 I be like, yeah, cause you gotta carry the 1.


23. Doctor Who's coat pocket. It's bigger on the inside.


24. I honestly can't tell if you are on too many drugs or not enough.


25. The devil is real. And he isn't a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful because he's a fallen angel and he USED to be God's favorite.



26. HARDCORE SCRABBLE WORDS FOR YOUR NEXT GAME

Longest word with all vowels: EUOUAE (A Gregorian cadence)

Longest word with all consonants: CRWTHS (A Welsh instrument)

Highest possible score on first turn: MUZJIKS (A Russian peasant - 128 points)

27.
An olympic gymnast can jump several feet in the air, defy the laws of physics, do 10-backflips, and come back down and land perfectly on a narrow balance beam. Me ? I fall on my face trying to put my socks on.

28.
I want to grow my own food, but I can't find any bacon seeds.


29. A bathroom sign reads MEN to the left because WOMEN are always right.


30. My son has learned about a disease that only affects dinosaurs apparently. He saw it on television and they called it a reptile dysfunction. He doesn't understand what all the secrecy is about but is pretty sure this is what it is.


31. Oh, you want to know what I'm training for ? Life. Yeah, life.


32. That moment when all your friends are dieting and exercising and you're just pregnant like, "Baby wants a cupcake."


33. Sticks and stones may break my bones but Whips and Chains excite me. So tie me up and throw me down to show me that you like me !


34. Your husband is only going to be as great as you think he is.


35. I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering, "I love you" repeatedly while they struggle to break free.


36. "I went to Wal-Mart and only bought what I went there for." said NO-ONE ever.


37. What do boys even find attractive about b***s ? They are literally a ball of fat on a girl's chest. If you love me for the fat on my chest why can't you love me for the fat on my stomach you hypocrite !


38. Teenager: (noun) Someone who is ready for the zombie apocalypse but not ready for schoolwork.


39. Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations that much more interesting.


40. The giddy feeling you get when you walk into an old and forgotten bookstore.


41. Oscar The Grouch says, "Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote."


42. To be my boyfriend, you have to be a shadow hunter, a wizard, a demigod, a vampire hunter, or an insanely attractive boy with digits for a name. Yep, forever alone.

43. I take comfort in knowing that people younger than me look older than me.


44. Just because you believe the lies you tell yourself, don't expect me to believe them too.


45. Enjoy the little things in life now, for one day you may look back and realize that they were in fact - the big things in your life.

46. There are devilish thoughts even in the most angelic minds.


47. Have the courage to touch the BUTT.


48. Today you are YOU. That is truer than TRUE. There is no-one alive who is youer than YOU. - Dr. Suess


49. Instead of John I call my bathrom Jim. It seems to sound better to my friends when I tell that that the first thing I do in the morning is go to the Jim.


50. Walking in a scary area at night ? Download a police scanner APP on your phone and listen to it at full volume.





Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2015 dw817


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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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