Wit & Wisdom - February 17th 2014

Wit & Wisdom - February 17th 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. (continued)

"

  W&W February 17th 2014  

 

Want to read this in a different language ?
Change the TO field to your own country after going
HERE

[ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ]


01. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:


The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.


02. You've inspired me to think less about life and more about thongs.


03. Keep Earth clean, it's not Uranus.


04. I'm Canadian. It's like an American but without the gun.


05. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.


06. Everyone makes mistakes. That's why there are erasers on pencils.


07. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.


08. When it comes to procrastinating, I do it right away.


09. If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister ?


10. If you don't like my driving then stay the hell off the sidewalk. ― Bumper Sticker


11. There are two kinds of people on this Earth: the ones who get to know the babes in a party and take them home, and those who admire the babes, go home and alleviate their tension a different way.


12. I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better !


13. All you need is ignorance and confidence and your success is sure. ― Mark Twain


14. No restricting order can stop my love !


15. Beauty isn't a passport to success, it's a VISA.


16. They misunderestimated me. ― George W Bush


17.
[B] Being
[I] In
[T] Total
[C] Control over
[H] Him


18. Marriage is like war. You sleep with the enemy.


19. Do not disturb. I already am.


20. Don't try to lead me into temptation. I can find it well enough on my own.


21. It's like that old saying: "The rich get richer and the poor get children."


22. Welcome to our OOL. Notice there is no 'P' in it. We like to keep it that way.


23.

"You ever get that urge, Frank ? It begins with looking down from 50 stories up, thinking about the meaninglessness of life, listening to dark voices deep inside you, and you think, "Should I... Should I... Should I push someone off ?"


24. Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition.


25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.



26. Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"


The survey was a huge failure...


In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant !


27. Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet ? To stamp out burning ducks.


28. A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.


29. Be a minimalist, it's the least you can do.


30. After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.


31. For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Husband knows everything.


32What this country needs is institution, constitution and pros...perity .


33. Lord, give me the strength to deal with the people who are going to piss me off today.


34. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.


35. I brake for no apparent reason.


36. Never refuse doing a good deed unless it will come as great harm to you or to others and never, ever, refuse a drink. ― Mark Twain


37. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ― Ronald Reagan


38. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ― Winston Churchill


39. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.


40. The beatings will stop when morale improves. ― Sign above break room at work


41. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


42. You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait.


43. Those who know do not say. Those who say do not know. ― Tao Te Ching


44. She got her good looks from her Father. He is a plastic surgeon.


45. I'm sick and tired of this school. One class after another with ugly children.


46. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.


47. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ― George Burns


48. Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her a*s.


49. What does the fox say ?


50.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead ! What can I do ?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what ?"




Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

Return back HOME


  You are Earth Visitor #  




© 2014 dw817


My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

The "I'm with stupid" cartoon automatically makes me think about that T-shirt from Hot Topic, that says "I'm not with stupid anymore." BTW: The band Static-X has a song called "I'm With Stupid." It's on their 1st album, Wisconsin Death Trip. It released in 1998. I haven't played that album in years. LOL!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Thanks! Do you like the green scenery better than the last? I made it green for Saint Patrick's Day... read more
dw817

6 Years Ago

Definitely green. Very festive, Realist. :7
RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Thanks! I'm glad some of you like it. I think I might leave this background up for at least these ne.. read more



Reviews

I just love number seventeen.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Number 17 ? Hmm ... Methinks you and Tyr would get along well. :)
Haha. I'm highly entertained, David. I love quotes. I always try to collect them in my notes. You are very good at compiling quality works, you know? I like all of them!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

I have quite a few of these remaining so this will definitely be a long running series, Blue. Glad y.. read more
Blue

6 Years Ago

Okay... I'll look forward to more entertainment from you.
lol whoa whoa whoa loved it!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Glad you did, Elijah. Which one do you think applies to you ?
ferousfinite

6 Years Ago

#6 .............................................
dw817

6 Years Ago

For a long time, there were no erasers on pens. Now there are. What do we learn from this ? EVERYONE.. read more
Wow, Liked the story and the lay out, thanks for sharing :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Sure thing, Daniel. Which one do you think you can relate to best ?
Daniel Dawes

6 Years Ago

All of them are good as they are so different from anything I'm use to reading.....which is a good t.. read more
The "I'm with stupid" cartoon automatically makes me think about that T-shirt from Hot Topic, that says "I'm not with stupid anymore." BTW: The band Static-X has a song called "I'm With Stupid." It's on their 1st album, Wisconsin Death Trip. It released in 1998. I haven't played that album in years. LOL!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Thanks! Do you like the green scenery better than the last? I made it green for Saint Patrick's Day... read more
dw817

6 Years Ago

Definitely green. Very festive, Realist. :7
RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Thanks! I'm glad some of you like it. I think I might leave this background up for at least these ne.. read more
LOL "okay now what?" heeheehee

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

⊰ℛℛ⊱
Curiously there is a bit of twisted logic there. I think they did this scene best.. read more

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe



Wit & Wisdom


Author

dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



About
more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..