Wit & Wisdom - March 3rd 2014

Wit & Wisdom - March 3rd 2014

A Chapter by dw817
"

Oh geez I don't even know where to begin. I just can't figure out men. Remember how in first grade little boys would chase little girls around the playground ? (more)

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  W&W March 3rd 2014  

 

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01. LOVE CAN BE CONFUSING:


Oh geez I don't even know where to begin. I just can't figure out men.


Remember how in first grade little boys would chase little girls around the playground, but whenever they'd catch one they'd get all confused and embarrassed and wouldn't know what to do with them ?


That's basically my love life.


02. The human brain has two parts: the right and the left. The left has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it.


03. That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.


04. I was standing in the park, wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they came closer ... and then it hit me !


05. How can I soar like an eagle when I'm surrounded by penguins.


06. I have PMS and a gun. Now what were you saying ?


07. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?


08. Life is just a game yet no one has picked me for their team.


09. Early to bed, early to rise . . . a strong indicator that you lack a social life.


10. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.


11. A peach is a peach and a plum is a plum, but a kiss isn't a kiss without any tongue !


12. Physics is like sex ... sure there are practical reasons for it, but that's not why we do it.


13. Don't steal, the government doesn't need any competition.


14. Yes I tried to see it from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my a*s.


15. Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist, you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.


16. How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own ? ― Zsa Zsa Gabor


17. You know it's always business doing pleasure with you.

18. It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.


19. There is optimism and pessimism... somewhere in the middle is alcoholism.


20. Party like there's no tomorrow ! Then when you wake up the next morning, you'll be surprised !


21. We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms.


22. Common sense is not always common.


23. "Vegetarian." old Indian word for, "lousy hunter."


24. Canadian healthcare is like a hospital gown, you only think your covered.


25. Mayflies only live for one day, so I guess if they don't eat breakfast they had a bad childhood.



26. Space. It seems to go on and on forever, then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. ― Phillip J. Fry (Futurama)


27. Veni, Vidi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around !


28. The virtues of being punctual are largely offset by having to wait for people who aren't.


29. Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground.


30. I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.


31. What you think is a white horse in the park could be a zebra synchronized with the railings.


32They say the guys with really cool cars are compensating for small wangs. Well, ladies, I don't even have a car.


33. I don't like to repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.


34. Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet..


35. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ― Albert Einstein


36. What I do have a problem with is all the people who fail to see the glaring hypocrisy of screaming the words "shut up" into a bullhorn.


37. 'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.


38. Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him.


39. Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that stuff just goes right out the window.


40. Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us.


41. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. By the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never-ending erections, and no recollection of what to do with either of them.


42. The natural reason why women's buttocks are of a greater size than men's is that the anvil must always be bigger than the hammer.


43. Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy


44. I'm one of those good people bad things happen to.


45. Hearing a nun confess is like being stoned to death by popcorn.


46. Indecision may or may not be my problem.


47. Men are proof that women can take a joke.


48. I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying. ― NASCAR T-Shirt


49. I've developed a new philosophy...I only dread one day at a time. ― Charlie Brown


50. 
Insanity ― a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.




Which of these can you relate to ?

See you next time with 50 more ...

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© 2014 dw817


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Featured Review

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. By the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never-ending erections, and no recollection of what to do with either of them ..good one ;)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Ah but likely there is truth to that. Just as 200 years from now we will have full-blown Idiocracy.<.. read more



Reviews

I love #41. Haha. :) Another clever list, David. It's sure fun to read witty sayings once in a while. I suggest a list with a theme. For example, this week, you come up with a list of jokes about teenagers, next week is a list of romantic quotes or something. But that's just a personal opinion.

Enjoyed greatly.

Posted 6 Years Ago


dw817

6 Years Ago

I can't honestly promise the order these arrive in. They are just from a collection. If they do fall.. read more
I really like numbers 7, 22, 32, and 37, especially 37. Being a realist is always mistaken for pessimism. Optimists usually have a hard time dealing with the brutal reality of things. After all, Denial is a river in Egypt. LOL! :P

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

#7 - A definite play on words
#22 - I seem to be lacking quite a bit of it at times
#32 .. read more
RealistMe

6 Years Ago

Yeah, I think most can tell, that 7 is a play on words. That's what cracked me up about it. LOL!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. By the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never-ending erections, and no recollection of what to do with either of them ..good one ;)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

Ah but likely there is truth to that. Just as 200 years from now we will have full-blown Idiocracy.<.. read more

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Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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