Wit & Wisdom - June 24 2013

Wit & Wisdom - June 24 2013

A Chapter by dw817
"

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

"

  W&W Jun 24 2013  

 


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01. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


02. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.


03. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.


04. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.


05. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


06. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


07. Women may not hit harder, but they may hit lower.


08. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


09. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


10. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


13. I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.


14. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


16. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... well, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.


17. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.


18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


19. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.


20. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


21. If winning isn't everything than why are you keeping score ?


22. Some people hear voices ... Some see invisible people ... Others have no imagination whatsoever.


23. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as opposed to when you are actually in it.


24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked ?


25. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.




The following (26-50) are directly from the desk of my good friend, Jed from England.




26. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just sod off and leave me alone.


27. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.


28. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.


29. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.


30. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


31. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.


32. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.


33. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


34. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


35. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


36. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.


37. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


38. Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.


39. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


40. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.


41. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


42. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.


43. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


44. A closed mouth gathers no feet.


45. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.


46. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.


47. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


48. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


49. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.


50. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.




Which of these can you relate to and why ?



See you next week with 50 more !

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© 2013 dw817


Author's Note

dw817
Which of these can you relate to and why ?

My Review

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Reviews

I like #9 ... cos it's funny, not cos I relate :D

I appreciate #47 ... very wise words

#50 I laugh all the time :D

haha # 40 - yup X

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

3 Years Ago

Thanks, KWP ! You can find a full list HERE:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/dw817.. read more
i agree with "23" one...it has often happened with me and it's truly quite irksome.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dw817

6 Years Ago

*Grin* It actually says something else, but that's fine, I'm usually sleepy when I follow that polic.. read more
The dark story

6 Years Ago

lol. they asy "wealth doesn't come that easy, you have to toil for it."...so i think that wealthy pa.. read more
dw817

6 Years Ago

Wiseass I have down I think a little too well. I need to work on just the WISE part. ;)

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Added on June 24, 2013
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Tags: davidw, witty sayings, clever sayings, intelligent phrases, humorous anecdotes, lively anecdotes

Wit & Wisdom


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dw817
dw817

Fort Worth, TX



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