01. YOUR ENGLISH LESSON
We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen ?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
If I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet ?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth ?
If the singular is this and the plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be named kese ?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim !
So our English, I think, you all will agree,
Is the craziest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough ?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through ?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed !
Watch out for meat and great and threat;
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Or dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose,
Just look them up, and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start ...
02. I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it's not there to tempt me anymore.
03. It takes patience to listen to others but it takes great skill to pretend you are actually doing so.
04. I have a boyfriend. Oh wait no, that's a fridge. Okay, I have a fridge.
05. The Officer said, "You drinking ?" I said, "You buying ?" Ad we just laughed and laughed. Ok, now I need bail money.
06. Let's all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don't fly.
07. What ? You wanna take a ride with me ? Well, you don't have a choice. Get in the trunk.
08. You can relate. When I feel a raindrop hit my face but there's not a cloud in the sky.
09. That awkward moment when you start telling one of your favorite stories and then you realize no-one is listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.
10. It's a beautiful thing when a career and a passion come together.
11. I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
12. And at the bottom of your meal's receipt you read, "All tips go towards the Kill-A-Twilight-Fan foundation. Thank you !"
13. Psychological fact - When a person cries and the the first drop of tears comes from the right eye, it's from happiness. But when the first drop is from the left, it is pain. However, if you cry from =BOTH= eyes simultaneously, you probably stepped on a LEGO. :)
14. Words cannot ESPRESSO how much you mean to me.
15. I want to meet the teenage versions of my parents to see what they could get away with.
16. If I could give you one thing in life, it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are to me.
17. To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.
18. She needs to have a few drinks and cry a little - then she'll be perfect.
19. Wow. I am NEVER going to eat that much again. Oh look ! FOOD !
20. Your connections with other people ARE important.
21. I got kicked out of the hospital one time. Apparently the sign, "Stroke Patients Here," means something completely different.
22. I'm ready for some blessings that aren't in disguise.
23. From the time we're born until we die, we keep busy with artificial stuff that really isn't important.
24. I am one of those people who isn't great at any one thing, but I'm pretty good at most others.
25. I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
26. SOME OF THE DUMBEST THINGS EVER SAID ON THE INTERNET:
1. does every religion celebrate thankgiving?
2. does any1 know obama's last name?
3.
I think titanic is fake becaus ,how do they record it when they are all like dieing in water?
It's a remake of what actually happened.
so the pplz in the movie arnt alive?
4. just learnt that Benjamin Frankin was never a presdent.
5. i never knew there were green applez !
6. <3 happy 2013th brithday amierica
7. this elevator is so stupid. It has a button for the floor I'm allready on.
8. to releeve stresses, inhale then outhale.
9. that moon pixture you showed me is fake. There were no stands to hold there hellmets.
10. can siameese twins hav sex with each other?
27. For Jed. Tennis problems: Hitting your leg on a follow-through serve.
28. If you shout for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would produce enough energy to warm a single cup of coffee.
29. You can't name a folder or file CON in windows.
30. Can't think of a movie to watch on Netflix ? Try their ROULETTE to pick one for you. [Link]
31. Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you ...
32. Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.
33. A good friend is a connection to life. A tie to the past, a road to the future. And a key to sanity in a totally insane world.
34. "No, you ask him !" "Just ask !" "Fine, I'll do it. Hey Dad, my friend wants to ask you something."
35. If you can't say anything nice, we should probably be friends.
36. And your Dog says, "I saw you petting the neighbor's dog. You want to tell me what that's all about ?"
37. That awkward moment when you ran up the stairs and your Mom is there to talk to you and now you're trying to hide your heavy breathing.
38. I want Black Friday to be televised. Just like the Hunger Games.
39. It's Sunday and I really want to go to Hobby Lobby. But they're closed.
40. I work too damned hard to be this crazy poor.
41. Oh, sorry about that long pause. I was just trying to hang myself with the phone cord. Go one further ? What's a phone cord ?
42. One reason I love being a kindergarten teacher is I still get to finger paint.
43. Don't lose yourself just because you found somebody.
44. EXERCISE is a dirty word. It makes me want to wash my mouth out with CHOCOLATE.
45. And the EVIL FORTUNE COOKIE says, "You've been chosen for the Hunger Games."
46. Did you know ? In Finland, you are given a top hat and sword when you get your Ph.D.
47. Like a good neighbor. Stay over there.
48. I'm gettin' real tired of wearing long pants and having responsibilities.
49. Pickup Line: Do you buy your pants on sale ? Because at my house they would be 100% off.
50. What if ... Indiana Jones Movies are just the dreams of Han Solo while he is frozen in carbonite ?
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