Part 1, Chapter 1

Character intro…

Part 1

Ch 1

At the end of the long, echoing marble chamber the Emperor sat in eternal splendor. Around him sat the gods and goddesses who represented the tribes and powers of the realms. Supplicants, generals, and sycophants whirled before him in an endless dance as he balanced war and peace, justice and mercy among the Immortals he ruled. 

Xun sighed as she watched the proceedings from behind a pillar at the back of the hall. She had come to the Palace as a child when her mother had taken a job as the head cook to the Lord of Storms. Xun had seen the Emperor by chance when he had come to speak with his brother about hurricanes that had been growing in the Western Seas at the time, and she had been immediately enamored. 

After that Xun had been lost. She spent most of her youth watching the Emperor from a distance and learning about him from whatever scraps of information and rumor she could find. She knew it was silly, but she seemed helpless to do anything else. 

She sighed again, but this time it turned into a whimper of pain as two claw-like fingers grabbed her ear and dragged her out of the court.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!” She said, her voice rising with every step.

“I knew you would be here!” Her mother scolded. “Always shirking work so you can go moon over the impossible! What a child I managed to raise!”

Xun pouted. “Yes, mother.” Xun bowed her head and let her mother’s words roll over her as she rubbed at her sore ear.

“...and to think I even asked the head maid of the Emperor’s Hall to let you in as a candidate! After all you are getting too old to not have a proper job and...”

Xun’s head shot up. “Really!?” 

It was her mother’s turn to sigh. “Yes, but you need to report within the next fifteen minutes or you’ll be scrubbing pots in the Lord of Storm’s kitchen your whole life.”

Xun hugged her mother as hard as she could before racing off to report to the Emperor’s head maid.

Reviews

[JayG]

You're working hard, and showing perseverance. but in this, and the following chapters, you're providing a report, of the form, "This happened...then that happened...and here's why that matters." You're informing the reader, and working hard to make that explanation clear. But that is not how fiction is written.

Readers don't care what happens, except as it influences the protagonist's life. When you read a novel, do you want to learn that the protagonist felt a chill of apprehension, or to feel that chill, yourself? To learn that the protagonist has fallen in love, or be made to love that person? To learn that the protagonist cried, or be given reason to weep?

Your reader isn't with you for information. That's how history books are written, and who buys them for fun? Your reader wants you to make THEM care and feel, not be better informed on things happening to fictional characters.

When you read this story, it works perfectly. But you cheat. Before you read the first word you know the people, their situation and backstory, AND what's about to happen. So for you, every word, in every scene, points to images, situations, and objectives, already in your mind. So it make perfect sense to you. For you the narrator's voice has the emotion that the reader can't know to place there. For you the storyteller's performance lives.

The reader? For them, every word points to images, situations, and objectives, already in YOUR mind. How can it be meaningful to a reader who just arrived, and doesn't know where we are, who we are or, whats going on?.

One thing a writer must always do is edit from the seat of the reader, without the pre-knowledge that makes the story so meaningful to you. Having the computer read it to you is an excellent editing technique, that can be a big help in seeing those problems.

To illustrate the severity of the problem, look at a few lines from the opening—the reader's first impression:

• At the end of the long, echoing marble chamber the Emperor sat in eternal splendor.

Long? That could mean 40 feet or 400. And echoing? Who would want to work in a chamber that echoes?

And. So the emperor is sitting on the floor? Not what you meant, of course. And not what YOU picture. But you placed him in the chamber, not on a throne. And, what's "eternal splendor?" The reader doesn't know the era, the country, or even the planet, so while the words work for you, the lack of context on the part of the reader generates only "Huh?" where you hoped for "Wow!"

• Around him sat the gods and goddesses who represented the tribes and powers of the realms.

What can this mean to a reader who just arrived. Are they the Roman style gods and goddesses, the Norse, or....

And what tribes? African style tribes? Ancient Jewish nomadic tribes? Tribes like those of the Māori people? All are different, and certainly you know the kind. and the society they represent. But intent doesn't make it to the page. They dai a picture is worth 1000 words. And that works the other way. So how much picture does sixteen words provide?

• Supplicants, generals, and sycophants whirled before him in an endless dance as he balanced war and peace, justice and mercy among the Immortals he ruled.

Supplicants from where, and what o they seek. Generals? Of what armies? And why are they all dancing, instead of talking?

You're talking of things meaningful to you but meaningless to the reader. But of most importance, YOU'RE talking. And given that you're neither on the scene nor in the story, how can this seem real to the reader? You're presenting information in overview and summation, about things meaningless to the reader.

My point? In all the world, the only one this story can be meaningful for is you, because in all the world only you have context. And that's a killer because for you the story works and you see no problems. Will they figure out what's going on if they keep reading? Perhaps, but they won't. A confused reader is one who is closing the cover. So story matters, but if you don't grab the reader's interest by making them feel that they're living the story, and do that immediately, they leave. As Sol Stein put it: “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”

Bottom line: In our school days, we spend endless time writing reports and essays, to ready us for employment. And after more than a decade's worth of practice, we're pretty good at writing reports, which are designed to inform. The methodology is to talk to the reader and explain events, which is exactly what you do, start to finish in every chapter—just as you were taught to do.

Unfortunately, readers come to you to be entertained, not informed. They don't want to learn that the protagonist was short of breath. They want you to make THEM feel that way. As E. L. Doctorow puts it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And though it gives me no pleasure to say it, you're working hard to provide the weather report, which is all you can do unless you switch to using the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession—the skills the pros take for granted.

Remember, they offer degree programs in Fiction Wrirting, and surely at least some of what's taught is necessary. Right?

It's not a matter of talent, how well you write, or, the story. It's like the old joke where the man complains, "No matter how hard I throw the bottle down it STILL breaks.” No matter how well you use nonfiction writing techniques it will still read like nonfiction. And THAT'S what you need to address.

The tricks of fiction aren't all that hard to learn (though perfecting them is a b***h). But still, they're not optional.The difference is that for nonfiction we want to reader to KNOW. For fiction we want them to feel, and care. So, where nonfiction tells the reader that the protagonist feels a shiver of fear, fiction makes the READER shiver. And that can't be done with the report-writing skills we learned in school.

So... grab a good book on fiction technique and make those skills yours. Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

I know this is nothing like what you hoped to hear when you began posting this, and I wish there were a more gentle way of breaking such news. But...the good news is that the learning will be fun, like going backstage at the theater, and filled with, "But that's so...how can I not have seen that for myself?" And that's fun, too, till you begin growling the words after the tenth time. 😁

And when you do master those skills, the act of writing becomes a great deal like living the scene, as the protagonist becomes your co-writer, and begins whispering suggestions and warnings in your ear. And THAT'S where the true joy of writing lies.

For what it might be worth, my own articles and videos were made with the idea of providing an overview of the major differences between the nonfiction skills we were given in school, and those required for writing fiction.

I know this is a lot, and a serious blow to the emotions, but don't let it throw you. Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Lyra]

I thank you very much for the advice! And when/if this story goes to a full draft I will definitely take your suggestions to heart. I really appreciate the details on education material, because I my degree work didn’t really leave space for a creative elective, so the last time I really had constructive feedback (other than this site) was my senior year of high school, which was longer ago than I like to remember. Unfortunately a real class isn’t doable at the moment (full time job with travel and kid who needs extra attention), but I would like to take one in the future.

Just to let you know though this isn’t really a full draft, its a second stage outline. The first stage is just waypoints (where I want the story to go), the second stage adds the actual characters (because they fill out the story and take it directions I didn’t mean to go). I am mostly looking to see if people read it and if the storyline holds together. If and when I ever go to third draft with it is when I will add more of the descriptive detail. For right now the setting is whatever Cdrama (Chinese Drama of the fantasy style) makes you the happiest :-).

That being said, your advice makes a ton of sense and I will work harder on some of my more filled out stories to make them more immersive when I post them. I have one that I will eventually get around to posting that I would absolutely love if you could read and give me some detailed suggestions (I will already be making revisions based on the feedback from this post). Would you mind if I sent you a message when I get to posting that one?

Again, thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate your time.

PS I have been working with another person’s suggestions on the What to Wear story. It probably has a lot of the same issues as this one, but if you have time and don’t mind reading it, I would value your input on it. I would like to get it into really good shape to give me a reference model for future improvements. If you don’t have time, please know that I am already grateful for the feedback and I truly appreciate the time and effort you took in your reply.

[JayG]

• I have one that I will eventually get around to posting that I would absolutely love if you could read and give me some detailed suggestions (I will already be making revisions based on the feedback from this post). Would you mind if I sent you a message when I get to posting that one?

You're thinking in terms of a list of, "Do this instead of that" items. But there's so much more than that. using the skills of fiction, instead of the nonfiction tools we were given in school, your entire approach changes.

As a small example:

• Are you now establishing and updating short-term scene goals?
• Do your scenes end in disaster for the protagonist, in order to keep the rising tension within the scene from drifting into melodrama?
• Are you addressing the three issues that will provide the reader with context, early.
• Are you up to speed on the differences between a scene on the page and one on the screen, and why they must differ? And for that matter, are are you using such things as scene and sequel and motivation/reaction units?

I ask, because if not, how can you write one?

You said you haven't the time for training, but there, you're wrong, because that book I recommended is a course in Commercial Fiction writing, created by a man whose student list read like a who's who of American fiction writing.

The man was brilliant.And I've found no other book or course that comes close. And, the book is free.

You read when you have time, and move at your own pace. There's no pressure, no tests, and the "homework" is writing stories. What's not to love?