FB1-40 "Uncle Leroy"

FB1-40 "Uncle Leroy"

A Chapter by dw817

He belched nasty and I swear, as I watched, a full cheezo twig flew out of his mouth, but before it could fall he arched his neck out at incredible speed and ate it in midair chomping noisily on it.



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F U T U R E   B A R R I E R
( The 1st Novel )
Secret Technology, Unrequited Love, Absolute Vengeance

© April 2014 Written by David Wicker
Please do not reprint without permission



* * *

This chapter is Rated: TEEN

Well, the day passed peacefully enough. Scant did his best to avoid me and Tyr. It was nice to have a day without getting bullied.

Tyr, I couldn't figure her out. She was nice and sweet to me all day long. A real proper lady. Courteous, polite, my brain reeled in utter confusion in her sudden change in behavior.

I still didn't know what Tyr meant by my Mom had a surprise for me; it was still a secret Tyr wasn't going to share. After school we raced back home and then I recognized his vehicle. It was uncle Leroy. Me and him did NOT get along at all.

The door opened before I reached and he saw me stopped in my tracks. I looked at him. He had changed. He was wearing a nice business suit thought he was still almost as fat and dumpy looking as when I first met him.

11 years ago, however, he looked much worse, having a fixation with some cheesy twig planks called, "Cheezos." which he had smeared all over his clothes everywhere he went. I imagine attributed that to his pear-shaped figure over a dozen years of snacking abuse.

"Ahh ! There's my favorite nephew now !" he began with false kindness and reached out a hand for me. I started to pull back. Not ONLY did he have terrible table manners, WORSE than Tyr's I might add, he also had a hand in CANCELLING Captain Circumference from the airwaves because it took the time-slot of his favorite game-show, "I'd Buy That For A Dollar !"

I recalled the memory from 11 years ago, I was myself 5-years old then:

I was just getting ready to watch one of the great Captain Circumference episodes on TV, which was considered so intellectual a show, it was not shown with cartoons but with prime time TV ! THAT'S how important it was to its viewers !

The story was a great one. A superhero named Captain Circumference used advanced mathematics and often language skills to solve complex criminal cases.

Well, while I waited for the last commercial to finish so they would air it, I already had on my CC cape and held the main CC action figure in my hands, which had his Awesome- Action- Golden- Wavy hair. Right when the show was ready to begin, somebody pushed a badly penned card in front of the TV camera which read:

Due to its lack of popularity, "Captain Circumference" will no longer be shown at this time and in it's place will be the award-winning game-show, "I'd Buy That For A Dollar !"

And to top it off, there was a badly drawn 5-pointed star after the text like their show was more important than mine !

As I stared aghast at the screen, Uncle Leroy who was visiting that weekend, suddenly pushed me off the TV chair with his fat butt, like I was an unwanted lapdog. As he sat there he started spitting cheezo powder out of his mouth from an over-sized bag he had with him.

I looked at the screen. There was a dramatic drum roll as searchlights bounced all over the TV like they were so stupid they lost their brainless host.

Then an announcer's voice spoke so frantically I swear he sounded like he was being balanced above live alligators and spoke to the glitzy logo that appeared on the screen. "Live from Wanabee Studios Theme Park, it's ..." To make it worse, Leroy spoke at the same time as the announcer spoke, "I'd buy that for a dollar !"

I watched the screen unhappily to see a weird fat man, in his 40s with acne all over his face even at his age. He had dollar bills sticking out of his shirt, his jacket, his neck collar, and even his green wig was made out of whole dollar bills. Definitely pear-shaped figure. I looked back at Leroy. There was a family resemblance.

I looked back to the screen and a light shone on him like a spotlight and there was a sound of canned-thunder as a girl half his age walked through a shimmer of Christmas icicles hung on the ceiling. She had on a sparkly blonde wig with rainbows in it and pretty rainbow nail polish and reflective earrings beside. She had sparkling eyeliner and a beautiful rainbow skirt to match her flawless and gorgeous figure.

For a moment, I forgot how upset I was at my show being canceled and spoke quietly, "She's really pretty."

Leroy spat orange powder at me in my innocent comment, "Yah well maybe you'll learn sometin' useful from her, brainboy." and he laughed, a really sick laugh. "Huh-huh-huh. Yah baby back that thing up, right HERE." and Leroy spread his fat legs apart showing deep orange stains on his jeaned long pants from years of eating cheezos.

I looked on disgustedly. Even his T-shirt was too short and showed a worn and fat belly-button poking out desperate to be free of the wave of fat behind it.

He belched nasty and I swear, as I watched, a full cheezo twig flew out of his mouth, but before it could fall he arched his neck out at incredible speed and ate it in midair chomping noisily on it as orange powder collected more on his pants and even more so on the now- not- so clean carpet. Well, his neck was certainly muscular if not the rest of him.

A contestant walked out of a large cardboard box with a glittery question-mark on it, and as he stepped out, there was canned applause. He was dressed in way too BLUE a business suit. It was obvious he dressed this way just to show up well on TV. He peered straight at the camera and adjusted his glasses trying to read the cue card. "I'm - happy - to be here." he said slowly.

And then he spoke something unintelligible to the pretty girl. The girl in turn spoke to the money man. And then the camera closed up on the money man's pimply face as he said, and Leroy yelled at the same time, "I'd buy that for a dollar !"

"Huh-huh-huh !" Leroy was beside himself with glee, and cheezos I noticed, as I saw several uneaten ones on the carpet now since he pushed me out of the chair.

Okay, the stupidity of the show had disinterested me now and Leroy just plain disgusted me. I looked a bit at the girl on the TV. She sure was pretty and sparkled all around. Maybe I would meet her later in life for an autograph. But this was too much for me, I MISSED MY CAPTAIN CIRCUMFERENCE SHOW ! I backed away from the TV in a corner and started to cry.

"Shaddup." said Leroy unconcernedly. I cried on and hugged my action figure stroking his wavy-action-hair which is where all his super brainy powers came from.

"Shaddup you !" Leroy said more threateningly and held up his snack bag as if he was going to hit me with it.

Just then my Mom showed up to see that I not only was knocked out of my TV chair by rude Leroy, but somehow my show wasn't playing either, which I always watched this time of day.

"What did you say to my son ?" she asked Leroy in an angry voice.

He belched in reply, "Yah whatever, Susan." and then on TV, a dollar bill came down from the ceiling on a wire as the man in the blue business suit tried to jump up and get it. "Huh-huh-huh." Leroy said easily amused in his cheese-inebriated brain, and chomped down on more cheezos.

Someone played a cheap organ's tones in the background like it was suspenseful music to the man's predicament. Canned laughter played as he jumped in the air to catch the elusive dollar.

Mom looked at me and asked quietly, "Dev, did Leroy change your channel on the TV ?"

I sobbed, "No, they changed the show and took alla it out." I cried realizing I might never see my beloved Captain Circumference again.

Leroy growled and thumped his fat chest where cheezo powder fluffed in the air, "=I= took it off, Dev boy ! You gone to thank me later, too mucha them cartoons rots your brain yah !" and he spat more cheese powder on the carpet as if there wasn't enough on it already.

"YOU changed the TV lineup ?" My Mom asked him, incredulously.

* * *

He burped and a cloud of orange flew out of his mouth before he answered, "Yah uh, my brudder works at the Wanabee TV station soes I said get ridda that Capto Crumple Crap show and gimme my Dollar game-show back inner place."

Then he took on a terrible smile with orange powder stuck to every tooth he had as he bobbed his head back and forth, "And here it is ! La, dee-dah, dee-dah !"

My Mom was shaking with rage now, and hugged me tight. The tears then just flowed out of my eyes and I stroked my action figure's hair harder hoping he had an answer to all of this. Mom looked to me and I could see she also had tears in her eyes. This was really terrible. I didn't want Mom to cry now ! So I cried more for her.

Then she rocked me back and forth comfortingly and spoke to him with a seriousness I had never heard before, "Leroy, you have no idea what you have done. My son LIVES for that show. I know for a fact he's learned a great deal from it and I DOUBT very seriously he'll learn JACK from your stupid dollar game-show !"

Leroy burped long and hard in reply. The air was starting to smell like rancid cheese now. My Mom waited for an answer and finally he spoke, "Whatever Susan," he waved his fat arm in the air like trying to shoo a fly, "Man, I'm watching the show, kay ? You wanna save all this boo-hoo voodoo for after it maybe ?"

Mom mumbled quietly so only I could hear her, "My God, what is it going to COST me to get rid of his fat a*s ?"

As if in reply, the TV suddenly spoke directly to its listeners, "I'd buy that for a dollar !"

Mom turned her head to face the TV which showed the money man, holding out his hand which had a large dollar-sign tattoo in the middle of it, asking for payment to the latest game-show item that was selected from the Fortunate Wheel.

She smiled then kissed me and said, "Dev, do you still have the dollar allowance I gave you yesterday ?"

I nodded.

"Could I borrow it please ? It's terribly important." she said and held out her hand.

I knew Mom would pay me back if there was a problem so I reached in my pocket to pull it out and hand it to her.

Then she kissed me saying, "You're such a good little angel, you stay here sweetie. I'm going to take care of this problem now." and she stood up suddenly to speak directly and loudly to the TV, pointing to it as well, as Leroy watched, baffled at her curious actions, "Would you really, for only a dollar ? That's an awfully good price, sir."

She then held out the dollar I just gave her, flapping it between her thumbs and forefingers so Uncle Leroy could see it. "Here you go, it's a deal !" she said and put it on top of the TV set.

Leroy was beginning to chuckle at my Mom's puzzling behavior until she walked deliberately away from the TV to reach over and grab his elbow in a funny way, like I'd seen policemen do on TV. He jerked up in an instant.

"Hey Susie !" he said, afraid now and apparently in considerable pain, "Whatcha doing, you wanna talker bout it now huh ?" She held on to his twisted elbow and dragged him out of the TV room.

She explained carefully, "I just paid a dollar to the money man on your game-show who agreed with me to have you removed from my sight. It's a steal, really, at that price." and she smiled evilly at him.

Then she tossed him out the front door. Leroy's balance wasn't very good. I guess he was bottom-heavy from cheezos and he fell over the steps. No damage though, it was pure fat protecting him all the way around the middle.

I ran out of the TV room to hug my Mom standing on the front steps as I was a little scared at what Leroy might do now. He just sat on the steps and rolled off them slowly, burping cheezos as he went down all 4 of them. He was just a fat cheezo factory I thought to myself as cheese powder puffed off of his shirt with each step he fell.

Mom was beside herself with rage, "Uncle Leroy, you are NOT invited back until you can get back my sweet little Dev's show ! And that word is final ! As for your MONEY problem you came to me with, not a WORD until you fix things !"

Leroy floundered unable to find the right words, "Heyah, huh ? Whaddya mean ? What about my gameshow ? MY CHEEZOS !" he said angrily.

Mom bounced her head up and down as her mouth opened in shock to his priorities at this point. "You want your precious CHEEZOS ?" Mom asked him angrily.

Leroy smiled and licked his lips hungrily. "Well yeah, sure, they taste good huh !"

Mom scooted me back in, "Dev, you get back inside sweetie. Mommy's gonna take care of this. You be a big boy now, okay ?"

"Yes 'm." I said and, still holding the CC figure in my hand, went over to sit quietly in a chair in the living room. Mom came by and patted me on the head saying, "Good boy."

Then Mom went back to the TV room and I bounced out of my chair to watch her. She grabbed his nasty big bag of cheezos and pulling up her skirt and down her panties she squatted down to PEE in them !

I dropped my heavy plastic figure which fell with a clunk as I watched, shocked at what she was doing.

Mom looked back at me from the sound and I cried a little thinking I was in big trouble since I wasn't in my chair. But no, she said quietly, "Dev, please sit in the living room until I'm finished with your Uncle."

I picked back up my action figure and went back to the living room, but moved the chair over so I could watch her in the TV room. She continued to pee in them and then shook the bag. There were so many of those orange twigs in there I doubt he'd notice, and maybe that was the point.

She pulled back up her panties and hiked back down her skirt. Then she marched right past me with his cheezo bag out the front door. Not one drop of liquid fell out of the bag, she had balanced it correctly I guessed. I followed behind her but left my figure on the chair.

I watched from the front door, still, legally in the living room. She went over and politely helped him to his feet as he was wheezing out of breath from the fall.

She handed his precious snack bag back to him. "They got wet I'm afraid." she said and gave a sinister smile to him.

Uncle Leroy wasn't going to be put off that easily, "Yah well they taste great just the same !" he said and grabbed a handful to eat. Both me and Mom watched. I opened my mouth shocked as he chewed on the wet twigs.

He chewed twice, slowly, and paused speaking with his mouth full, "Taste kinna funny, Sue." he said slurping on her pee, as it dribbled down his fat chin.

"How about that." she said trying hard to keep a straight face, "Make sure you eat them all up !"

Then she spoke more seriously, "I'll send your things back to you. Call me from the hotel you're staying at when you get settled, and GET THAT PROGRAM CHANGED so Dev can enjoy his show again. You CAN'T come visit again until then !"

"Yeah whatevuh." He pulled out another handful of the wet twigs from his snack bag. The pee from them now trickled easily onto his shirt in a terrible yellow stain. He crunched hungrily into them unaware that his lips were now taking on the same horrid color.

He smacked his lips trying to place the unique and hard- to- place flavor added to his cheezos. "Really tangy, and pretty tasty actually." he commented, licking his fingers appreciatively.

Mom coughed hard to cover up her laughter as she tried to speak seriously. "That's good Uncle Leroy, because they're exactly what you deserve !" and then she slammed the door behind her, locking it. Then she turned to peek out of the window secretly, waiting for Leroy to drive away in his own car, which he did after about a minute of silence.

She sighed in relief. Then I ran up to Mom, I had my CC figure back in my hands and I was laughing at what she did. She couldn't hold back any longer and laughed out loud herself as she stroked my hair.

There was a moment of silence as we sat looking at each other with silly smiles on our face. Finally I commented, "Eww.. ya pee-peed on them." and left my action figure on the carpet to reach up and hold my nose with both hands saying quietly, "Pee yu."

She got very serious with me, "Dev, you can't tell Daddy about this or YOU might get a super bad spanking later, 'kay sweetie ?"

I nodded my head as I picked back up my action figure, and she pulled my hair comfortingly to her to rest against her side humming contentedly and rocked me back and forth humming the theme song to Captain Circumference.

I eventually drifted to sleep and found she had carefully carried my back into my bedroom where I had CC bedspreads, pillows, mini-posters, and lots of toys related to the series in a big treasure box that had a big picture of him on the cover saluting saying in a text bubble, "Learn something new each day, the Captain Circumerference way !"

Well, my show re-arrived on the air the next day and I was faithful to watch it, but Leroy never called back for his belongings. Mom was delighted to throw all his things in the trash the first day he didn't call back, and then paid $50 for professional house-cleaners to fumigate her house completely from the rancid cheese powder and lingering smell of Uncle Leroy himself.

And now I was back, with Tyr going to babysit me that evening, and seeing him 5 years later, at the age of 10. And while he still looked fat and dumpy, he was wearing a nice suit and didn't have a bit of cheese powder anywhere on him.


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© 2014 dw817

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Is captain circumference an actual show, I've seen it mentioned in like, four stories now.

Posted 6 Years Ago


6 Years Ago

It's a made-up show focusing on mathematical and verbal skills. Polly Rocket with Tyr watches is ano.. read more

6 Years Ago

Nice, sounds like you couldn't get to much more child-like

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